sweetbraid
Member
- Apr 15, 2018
- 60
I hope my extremely poetic, vague title is okay. For context: I'm two-spirit, and nehiyaw (cree) from Northern Manitoba, and Scottish and Italian. (also this isn't a goodbye thread)
I was supposed to be great. I was supposed to have a hand in changing the world, in decolonizing, in helping so many souls, so many of my kin. I was meant to use my art to help people, to show people other things, to help myself, to help those who didn't and don't have the chance to help themselves.
But the very things I'm supposed to change are what are keeping me from changing them. I was supposed to be born in a different body, in a more balanced body, not this awful, disabled, feminine one. I was supposed to be raised by trees, with drums and singing and ceremony all around, and bagpipes and bodhrans and jigs. I was supposed to know my family, and I've never felt less like I have one.
I wish I could do all these things.
And I wish I wasn't here at all.
I can't go back, I can't fix my father, or my mother, or my grandparents, or their lands and songs and dances and stories, I can't give any of it back to them. I can't dissolve capitalism and fix it with decolonization - I'm not even supposed to, but I can't do what I'm meant to do to help those whose roles it is. I can't fix my body and those who can refuse to. I can't have a dad, I can't bring my family back from the dead, I can't revive our stories and songs. I'm alone. All what I have has seemingly ceased to be enough anymore.
What am I doing here?
I was supposed to be great. I was supposed to have a hand in changing the world, in decolonizing, in helping so many souls, so many of my kin. I was meant to use my art to help people, to show people other things, to help myself, to help those who didn't and don't have the chance to help themselves.
But the very things I'm supposed to change are what are keeping me from changing them. I was supposed to be born in a different body, in a more balanced body, not this awful, disabled, feminine one. I was supposed to be raised by trees, with drums and singing and ceremony all around, and bagpipes and bodhrans and jigs. I was supposed to know my family, and I've never felt less like I have one.
I wish I could do all these things.
And I wish I wasn't here at all.
I can't go back, I can't fix my father, or my mother, or my grandparents, or their lands and songs and dances and stories, I can't give any of it back to them. I can't dissolve capitalism and fix it with decolonization - I'm not even supposed to, but I can't do what I'm meant to do to help those whose roles it is. I can't fix my body and those who can refuse to. I can't have a dad, I can't bring my family back from the dead, I can't revive our stories and songs. I'm alone. All what I have has seemingly ceased to be enough anymore.
What am I doing here?
