Venting I wish I never experienced friendship.

[MelancholyDolly]

I used to get bullied badly, back then I remember being so okay with being alone. I didn't have a single friend and while I did want friends I was capable enough to keep myself going without them. I just did what I liked and stayed quiet and peaceful... Eating alone, having no one to hang out with, playing single player. I did all that because it was all I knew.

Now I know what having a friend is like and I've had her for years, the thought of loosing her doesn't even make sense to me. I can't go back to my old self now that I know how fun it is to hear someone laugh at your jokes, to eat junk food together, to get scared in a horror game together. Being alone just doesn't compare, her scent alone comforts me, and maybe that's creepy but it's true.

Sometimes I wonder if my feelings for her are more than platonic because of just how much it hurt to think of our friendship crumbling. The thought of losing her hurts so bad like a breakup but I don't think I see her in a romantic way, I'm just so shocked by how much this friendship could hurt me.

I wish I never experienced friendship, love, or laughter. It's going to hurt 100x more once I lose it. I love her so much I really wanna ctb over blaming her for my misfortune rn, I'm truly just a gloomy little doll <\3