i wish i could pause time

[viljalauss]

i wish i could pause time for everyone else but still be able to move around. still be able to read, write, think without any tasks looming over my head. i wish i could stay in the place(s) i feel safest and most secure without being pulled back home. i have so many skills i want to develop, and while focusing issues are one hell of a beast i wouldn't mind at all if i had as long as i needed. i feel years and years behind (and yet so old), and there is some truth to that. i want to flesh out / complete the countless projects i've left behind cause of immediate work.

if i can't ctb, or even now that i know how few methods are actually viable, i want the time and the brainspace i spent thinking about them back. if i have to resign to living in the future, i want however long it takes to figure out what my roles in it are, and i want however long it takes to become skilled enough that i actually have something to offer, on professional levels and in general. as it stands, i truly have no prospects. zero. i initially planned to just stick it out through the final year of uni but 1) my degree in itself doesn't yield any career prospects, you have to have other interests, other skills, or even just solid academic interests you're versed in. i have none of those (which is a very immediate problem! considering i chose to do a dissertation thinking i would have the time or headspace to read around or take interest in anything and i just. couldn't. and the topic submission is due in 3 days. help) 2) there's no way i'm passing thanks to the problem i just mentioned, the fact (as i have recently learned) i physically cannot write both quickly and legibly, it's one or the other, and the fact i just cannot remember everything nor am i capable of extended argument unless i have all the information i need in front of me. which is not happening

this is a VERY long way to say i am absolutely fucked. it doesn't help that thinking about places to hang myself from and how to do it is not at all going to be helpful for deciding my thesis topic or the two essays i have due next week. et milia cetera. :)

 

[timf]

Having to deal with big things can overshadow the daily small things that give richness and depth to life. This can leave one feeling sort of empty. You might try taking a peripheral interest and writing (over time) on it to have it published. This would allow you the time to do something well. Many people construct a parallel life, such as with hobbies, that allow greater personal satisfaction out side of the demands of others.