I will meet this weekend the woman I text day and night with for the first time and I am anxious as fuck

[noname223]

We text since 2nd January A LOT from waking up until sleeping at night. My therapist, my friends and people in this forum recommended me to meet her as soon as possible IRL. I think me and her are a little bit scared that in real life don't actually fit that well. I think online our chemistry is almost perfect. How likely is it that in real life it does not work at all? She smokes and honestly I hate the smell of cigarettes and it will be very difficult to hide that from her. But we also spoke about this potential issue. We spoke about many potential issues. We are very open and honest to each other. We both know insecurities, anxieties and paranoia. I think I will pump myself full with benzos these days which might cause sexual issues. We also talked whether we might have sex on our first date. She is very experienced and sex positive. I am a virgin at 27 and she has no problem with that. We talk a lot about sex because we both are interested in it a lot. And we also did sort of sexting. She told me maybe we will have sex at our first date. Maybe it will happen way later when we are in a relationship. I will take condoms with me just in case.

There are so many things to say. I will take the train. It will take 3 hours. Maybe we change the plan and meet where I live. So many things could go wrong. I might literally turn insane. We will spend the whole Saturday and Sunday together from 12 a.m. Saturday until Sunday maybe 5 p.m. Is this too much for the first time? The distance is an issue for a standard date.

I wll talk about the details with my therapist tomorrow. I hope she has a good advice.

 

[ma0]

I know you'll handle it great. Good luck!

 

[Unrequitedlife]

This sounds really exciting for you good luck I hope it goes really well!!

 

[GoSan1]

We text since 2nd January A LOT from waking up until sleeping at night. My therapist, my friends and people in this forum recommended me to meet her as soon as possible IRL. I think me and her are a little bit scared that in real life don't actually fit that well. I think online our chemistry is almost perfect. How likely is it that in real life it does not work at all? She smokes and honestly I hate the smell of cigarettes and it will be very difficult to hide that from her. But we also spoke about this potential issue. We spoke about many potential issues. We are very open and honest to each other. We both know insecurities, anxieties and paranoia. I think I will pump myself full with benzos these days which might cause sexual issues. We also talked whether we might have sex on our first date. She is very experienced and sex positive. I am a virgin at 27 and she has no problem with that. We talk a lot about sex because we both are interested in it a lot. And we also did sort of sexting. She told me maybe we will have sex at our first date. Maybe it will happen way later when we are in a relationship. I will take condoms with me just in case.

There are so many things to say. I will take the train. It will take 3 hours. Maybe we change the plan and meet where I live. So many things could go wrong. I might literally turn insane. We will spend the whole Saturday and Sunday together from 12 a.m. Saturday until Sunday maybe 5 p.m. Is this too much for the first time? The distance is an issue for a standard date.

I wll talk about the details with my therapist tomorrow. I hope she has a good advice.

Please do not take any benzos, being nervous is normal, but killing your emotions off just cause you're scared could lead to a massive mistake.

Now I don't know about the rushing sex on the first date stuff, but that's each to their own. Just don't do anything you're not comfortable with :)
If you vibed online, you will vibe offline as well, don't worry. Just be yourself like you are on text and don't try to change yourself thinking it might look better...

Other than that, try to have some fun and I'm wishing you the best!

 

[Mirrory Me]

Glad you have being able to find a partner- if you can both support each other's growth, that would be great.

 

[noname223]

Please do not take any benzos, being nervous is normal, but killing your emotions off just cause you're scared could lead to a massive mistake.

Now I don't know about the rushing sex on the first date stuff, but that's each to their own. Just don't do anything you're not comfortable with :)
If you vibed online, you will vibe offline as well, don't worry. Just be yourself like you are on text and don't try to change yourself thinking it might look better...

Other than that, try to have some fun and I'm wishing you the best!

I am bipolar. Benzos don't really calm me very much down. It only Takes the edges of my insane anxiety. They don't kill my emotions at All. I have a strong magnitude of Intensity of them All the time.

 

[GoSan1]

I am bipolar. Benzos don't really calm me very much down. It only Takes the edges of my insane anxiety. They don't kill my emotions at All. I have a strong magnitude of Intensity of them All the time.

Well it was just advice, do what you feel most comfortable with. I think it would just make you "yourself" a bit more... But you got this! :D

 

[yousaidimsweet]

good luck! <3

 

[noname223]

We phoned again the whole Day. I got really paranoid and the house of Cards Fell apart. I was really paranoid about she understands how dependent I am on my Mom and that college has no future. I am pretty sure I won't survive this one. I am quite confident I kill myself soon. It is gonna be SN. Honestly, I don't See any way how to survive that. The pain is unbearable and I consider to ghost her. Maybe she will Do it on me.

I think I gonna buy the SN tomorrow. Same source as the last time. I feel like throwing up. The pain is undescribable.

 

[Young]

We phoned again the whole Day. I got really paranoid and the house of Cards Fell apart. I was really paranoid about she understands how dependent I am on my Mom and that college has no future. I am pretty sure I won't survive this one. I am quite confident I kill myself soon. It is gonna be SN. Honestly, I don't See any way how to survive that. The pain is unbearable and I consider to ghost her. Maybe she will Do it on me.

I think I gonna buy the SN tomorrow. Same source as the last time. I feel like throwing up. The pain is undescribable.

Didn't you meet her?

 

[noname223]

Didn't you meet her?

We wanted to next Week.

 

[Young]

We wanted to next Week.

Anxiety sucks, but you must give it a go. It'll be worth it to know if things work out for you guys.

 

[noname223]

Maybe it was all paranoia. I took a benzo and I am way calmer now. She reassured me couple of times she is still interested in me.

 

[noname223]

She confesses to me she has doubts whether we have a future. Also because of my college Situation. Bro I can't handle it. My mind plays limbo with instantly killing myself. I could cry it is very very Hard to handle

 

[KillingPain267]

She confesses to me she has doubts whether we have a future. Also because of my college Situation. Bro I can't handle it. My mind plays limbo with instantly killing myself. I could cry it is very very Hard to handle

Give it a go. Tell her you were just in a bad mood when you said that about college and that you still want a future. She might be the energy you need to build a future. Give it a go to meet her, you can always buy SN if it doesn't work out.

 

[taysontheory]

Unfortunately, I have reached a stage where talking on the Internet and real life have become the same thing. I hope you have a nice meeting. Sex on the first meeting is a little strange, but it's okay.

 

[noname223]

Update to the whole situation:

We never had a conversation like this before.

She told she has sometimes doubts and fears about our future. Maybe one day we will have nothing to say anymore because our interests are too different. I told I think this might be overthinking. We now have a conversation of 2 weeks from good morning to good night. There will always be new topics. However, after we might talk a little bit less. And she feared that. I told her I have no problem to keep texting like that.

She wanted to know my plans for the future in general marriage, children, house?
I got very very anxious. I told I will keep trying college maybe change to an online uni. I already made plans for that. However, in case I start uni again I could never in my whole life put out the same output in text messages. It is insane how much we text. But now in my free time I love it. I told her maybe I need another semester as hiatus. College re-starts in April. There is a deadline with the online uni and the meeting for the organization to change the uni was cancelled due to illness. I think I will never be able to work. But I never told her that explicitly. She wants kids and thinks the income of the man is essential for that. I told her I might inherit an apartment which is the truth but not safe (at all). I did not tell her thus far about the insurance money I receive. It is only 350 Euros per month anyway. And maybe up to 450 Euros.

And then the big one. I know she wants children. I am rather sceptical whether I really want children. I am such a mental wreck. I once was very much into antinatalism but quitted it a long time ago. There seems to exist a viable compromise for us. It is likely she cannot get childen for some reason. She asked me about my stance on adoption. And then I could reply honestly I always had fears of getting children and being the biological father due to my bad genes. But I could imagine adopting children with the right partner. That seems to be the better choice than biological children. And I think she was happy with that answer.

I was pretty insecure afer this exchange. But after that our texting continued as usual. I dowloaded instagram so that she can send me funny animal videos.

 

[noname223]

Really insane shit happened. Self-help group today. Friendly exchange with the chemistry master student before the group. After the group she followed me took the same bus as me. It is the one that cheats on her bf by dating me in the past and once it slipped of her that I am only an adventure for her.
She was so manipulative. Cried, tried to hug me. Before the group she actually ignored me and changed her mind while listening to me in the group rambling. She also was really manipulative in the past. And I felt used. She always used me when it was comfortable for her.

I told literally everything to the woman I text with. I wanted full transparency of what I am doing. And I wanted her support. It was a hard conversation with her too and on some parts she told me I was too harsh. I am so glad I did not become paranoid. I did not expect staying stable without benzos.

Tbh I never was in a relationship. I don't know how this work. We texted about sexual stuff and alluded feelings. I feel loyal to her. When it comes to sex I am quite loyal. I think she is all in all content with how I handled the situation. But she thinks maybe I was too rude. I told her the chemistry master students changes her "feelings" and loyalities all the time. I don't know. I hope I did well.

 

[noname223]

Very weird self-help group evening. I was forced to be the host in the evening and barely anyone wanted to talk so awkward.

So this week it seems like I will meet the woman from the dating app for the first time. We said no sex for the first date. My therapist recommended that. I am not 100% sure whether we will abide by that after what happened on Sunday. But I will try to keep my expectations low.

Spoiler: NSFW

We had very explicit cam sex together. She allowed me to talk about every single details with my friends. Some of my friends are no virgins anymore. But I am the first with cam sex. A could elaborate on all the details. But imagine it as vivid and explicit as possible I think that's enough.

First did she send me nudes. Then in a stream we had cam sex light. Yesterday I saw every single detail of her. It was very hardcore she even used toys. I would not have imagined I would go that far in a stream. But she went first. I hope it is a good preparation in case we get intimate in real life. The first time we texted sexually might flashed me even more because it happened out of nowhere. After the nudes happened and after the first stream I expected something like that to happen. At least the NSA had some entertainment.

 

[noname223]

Tomorrow we will meet for the first time.

She told me she sort of imagines how we run into each others arms hug each other tightly and kiss intensely and romantically. When we see us for the first time. Tbh this makes me a little bit anxious and nervous. However, we masturbated in front of each other on webcam this should cool down my anxiety. After we shared that we can share a lot more.

I am a kissless virgin with 27. But not hugless anymore. We talk about many things in details also sexuality. Over weird issues when one has sex for the first time. I am scared it could come to such issues. But I will take benzos anyway to cool down and protect me from psychosis related paranoia. We also talked about which contraception we would use and what would happen if I impregnated her.

She is experienced and also had sex with some virgins. I think I am overthinking it. I will take a small amount of lorazepam tonight and tomorrow. She smokes this could become an issue. I hate the smell of smoke. I don't know how much I will be able to hide it.

No matter how this will work it I hope I will find a narrrative with which I can continue living after this.

 

[Chinaski]

However, we masturbated in front of each other on webcam this should cool down my anxiety

Yes you'll be fine, i too often do this, very good for the old Mental Health

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck and have fun

 

[GoSan1]

Tomorrow we will meet for the first time.

She told me she sort of imagines how we run into each others arms hug each other tightly and kiss intensely and romantically. When we see us for the first time. Tbh this makes me a little bit anxious and nervous. However, we masturbated in front of each other on webcam this should cool down my anxiety. After we shared that we can share a lot more.

I am a kissless virgin with 27. But not hugless anymore. We talk about many things in details also sexuality. Over weird issues when one has sex for the first time. I am scared it could come to such issues. But I will take benzos anyway to cool down and protect me from psychosis related paranoia. We also talked about which contraception we would use and what would happen if I impregnated her.

She is experienced and also had sex with some virgins. I think I am overthinking it. I will take a small amount of lorazepam tonight and tomorrow. She smokes this could become an issue. I hate the smell of smoke. I don't know how much I will be able to hide it.

No matter how this will work it I hope I will find a narrrative with which I can continue living after this.

Came back to this thread, hope everything went well!

 

[noname223]

So it is the morning after the first night.

First of something that scares me the most. She told me the last Days her urges to cut herself get stronger and stronger. And she emphasized the reasons are not related to me. It is her Job and someone in real life that stalks her and sends inappropriate messages. But she cutted again yesterday after a long break.

Spoiler: NSFW

First, we hold Hands when we took a walk. At her home we kissed. Then we cuddled. She pressed her ass intentionally at my bottom Part. Often when initiated cuddling positions that make some parts touch I asked whether this too much. She suggested to change from her couch to her bed. By the way the smoking is less annoying than I imagined it. We watched a series and the cuddling continued. I asked whether I can kiss her neck because she loves that and it makes her horny. I tried but I think the wrong techique. I have to try it more often and improve. But she told me she got wet. As you See I was always careful and asked whether that or this is too much. Without asking she stood up and sat on me as if in a Sex Position. My bottom at her bottom. To make it short I Was allowed to grab her boobs and simulated Sex while having clothes on. We did this some time and it was quite fun. Our clothes got less and less. When we both only had one cloth on she drew a line. She told me she thinks it is too early for actual Sex. I asked whether she thinks petting might be okay. She took my Hand to her genitals. My fingers were inside her. But I Was very careful and told me that. Changed to two fingers. And yes she was really wet. By the way she also gave me the allowance to talk about such stuff with randoms on the internet. The afterwards she kissed my body and went more and more south. Until she reached my boxershorts I still had that on. The I took it off. And she pleasured my Penis for a short time, for a very short time she took it into her mouth. But the she stopped and told me that's too intimate. For her oral Sex is way more intimate than usual Sex. She still sleeps our sleeps rhythms are quiet different. She told me the cutting Was not my fault. But I will talk a lot about it with her later. Why am I that explicit about this? I don't SaSu is one of my Favorite places on the Internet and when I Post about it it is less likely I forget the Details of my first Sexual experience in real life.

 

[noname223]

I think it might be soon over between us two.

Our contact gets less and less. I have the feeling she might be consistingly lying since our first date. I have often have asked specific questions whether she has doubts and whether I have done something wrong. The last days she said she always feels tired and sleeps and cannot text me frequently anymore.
Todays she send me zero messages thus far. She told me she feels too ill for our date on Valentines day. And still she goes to work. She tells me she is so busy and overburdended with her job. But I have the feeling this not the full truth. I have the feeling there is something that she dislikes about my personality and she does not openly say it. If it is over I think one thing that will hurt me the most is her lying to me so often. And hide her real feelings.

I have theories of what has happened so it came to this. The most likely one seems to be the following. It is what has happened between us sexually at our first date. But I cannot really see where my fault is. Her approach to sexuality is weird. She initiated almost everthing. I think in our second or third week she started to send me nudes. Not full nudes. And not with her face. But still nudes. This made me wonder. I was not sure what to think about it. She clearly wanted to do sexting with me. I think she did a couple of times. First I was hesitant and finally I took part of it and I enjoyed it.
We had phone calls. And later video streams. In one stream she started to take her clothes off. Also in this instance I wondered. But thought well okay. If she wants that. I can enjoy it. Then in our next video stream it escalated further and we both masturbated in the stream. Fully nude. We had a deep talk about it and I thought everything was fine. And yes there were no problems for her with that not any. And I thought she initiated it everything is fine.

Then our first date. She often talked whether I should stay overnight at her home. we have a distance of 3 hours and she knows I need sleep. And being 6 hours in a train on one day is a little bit much. We both agreed that I stayed with her. We also talked whether we would have sex on that date. We talked a lot about that. And she said it is pretty unlikely. She thinks this could happen at our third date (in contrast to hert first thoughts about it.) And well I had no problem with that. I did not want to pressure her on that in anyway under all circumstances. We talked whether a guy should bring flowers to the first date as a present. I perceived her as ambivalent. Idk I brought her two flowers and her favorite chips to our date. And later she told me in a stream with a friend that really would have liked to hit me in my face for that. I was really confused in that stream she insulted me quite often in a "funny way". But some jokes sounded pretty serious. I asked her afterward and she brought only excuses she struggles to interact with new people. My theory is she considers present as moral corruption for sexual intimacy. It sounds weird and I would not have considered that. My therapist also was surprised about that. I only understood that retrospectively. We hugged and kissed on that date. But I think soon after I gave her the present she started our first sexual interaction. And I thought everything is fine. I already described what we did. I was very cautious all the time and asked for allowance in almost every single step. She later reassured me in that and confirmed that. She had a sexually abuse partner once. She initiated the most intimate thing we have done. She took my hand and guided me. But she told me sex would be too intimate for her for now. I fully accepted that and exceeded no pressure .Soon after our intimacy she cut herself. Which worried me a lot. But she blamed it in on a guy that aggressively harrasses her, sends her dick pics. And that school/her job overburdens her. She also insisted on that yesterday. It would not be my fault. She always insisted on that. But I am not sure anymore. I wanted to persuade her to block him yesterday. Maybe this was wrong. But I think it messes her up a lot. I think it is also bad for us. Idk. No message since yesterday 9 p.m. First we texted several hundred messages a day and had phone or video calls daily. After our first day it reduced to 100-150. And yesterday it was around 50. And today zero from her side. Furthermore, her messages lack any effort. I think there were some truth bombs in the video call with her "funny" insults on me. Damn this shit hurts as hell. It is not over yet. But damn this fucking hurts. Not sure how I Will cope with this.