Life Is My Coffin
One final action ⚰️⚰️⚰️
- Oct 13, 2023
- 310
Since last year in July I was in a relationship with a girl I've known 15 years and she straight up just doesn't even reply to things I send anymore. Any time I get into details to attempt to find some catharsis about it, I simply don't like most of the answers people or even ChatGPT gives me. But I did write a few poems about her to give an idea of how things went
I can't get her out of my head. Every thought of her as the days go on about her pulls me deeper into this feeling that maybe I shouldn't even be here. i used to be honest with her about how often I thought about dying, and now she says that my pain is making it harder for her to stay connected with me. that hurts in a way I can't explain, especially because not long ago, she was the one begging me to CTB with her while she had a phase where she was drowning in her own sadness.
But I guess that type of closeness is gone now. We're no longer in sync like we once were. Weeks would go by with no messages from her, like I was just forgotten. Meanwhile, everything in her life is taking off, she's doing well in school, working, making time for friends and family, and even chasing a new career. and I had to sit there and listen to it all, smile through the ache, and pretend I'm happy for her. And I am, but it still feels like she carved out a space in her life for me once, but now that space for me is gone now, no longer there at all - and it's not like she consciously wanted this to happen it's just the way things did.
That's what kills me the most. I don't fit into her world anymore. Maybe it makes sense for her to leave me behind, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hate it. I used to dream under the stars with her, like there was something beautiful waiting for us. Now I feel like I belong buried in the dirt. She doesn't need me anymore, and all I can feel is that my presence now would only drag her down.
Please if anyone can offer me any suggestions of where to go from here, because I just can't take this anymore: she's in my head all day long every day and nothing seems to work. I can't move on. I have a small shitty part time job myself now and im typing this while on the clock. Nothing will improve and thats ok. I just hope she knows when Im gone that i meant the things i said. The only thing that keeps me going is just hoping that she might miss our good times enough to try to start anew with me someday...
the hardest thing you have to come to terms with is when the relationship you had your heart set into starts to run its course.
you notice the small cracks, a quiet disagreement brushed off and they'll promise it won't happen again. you want to believe them, things continue as normal
but it comes back.
the same issue. the same as before but the tension is building the same feeling that you're not asking for too much
you try again.
you ask them to show up,
to hold the relationship the way you do. you want to feel like you're both on the same side, not slipping back into the same argument wearing different words.
but the arguments grow.
the respect once held for you is gone you fight more often than you laugh. the joy becomes rare, the peace even rarer.
and all you have is the memories of when things felt perfect to even want to keep going you don't want to let it go.
but it won't go back to how things you were and deep down, you know that.
you know the best thing is to let go of something you savored so much
not because you stopped loving them, but they stopped loving you a long time ago
you notice the small cracks, a quiet disagreement brushed off and they'll promise it won't happen again. you want to believe them, things continue as normal
but it comes back.
the same issue. the same as before but the tension is building the same feeling that you're not asking for too much
you try again.
you ask them to show up,
to hold the relationship the way you do. you want to feel like you're both on the same side, not slipping back into the same argument wearing different words.
but the arguments grow.
the respect once held for you is gone you fight more often than you laugh. the joy becomes rare, the peace even rarer.
and all you have is the memories of when things felt perfect to even want to keep going you don't want to let it go.
but it won't go back to how things you were and deep down, you know that.
you know the best thing is to let go of something you savored so much
not because you stopped loving them, but they stopped loving you a long time ago
I can't get her out of my head. Every thought of her as the days go on about her pulls me deeper into this feeling that maybe I shouldn't even be here. i used to be honest with her about how often I thought about dying, and now she says that my pain is making it harder for her to stay connected with me. that hurts in a way I can't explain, especially because not long ago, she was the one begging me to CTB with her while she had a phase where she was drowning in her own sadness.
But I guess that type of closeness is gone now. We're no longer in sync like we once were. Weeks would go by with no messages from her, like I was just forgotten. Meanwhile, everything in her life is taking off, she's doing well in school, working, making time for friends and family, and even chasing a new career. and I had to sit there and listen to it all, smile through the ache, and pretend I'm happy for her. And I am, but it still feels like she carved out a space in her life for me once, but now that space for me is gone now, no longer there at all - and it's not like she consciously wanted this to happen it's just the way things did.
That's what kills me the most. I don't fit into her world anymore. Maybe it makes sense for her to leave me behind, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hate it. I used to dream under the stars with her, like there was something beautiful waiting for us. Now I feel like I belong buried in the dirt. She doesn't need me anymore, and all I can feel is that my presence now would only drag her down.
Please if anyone can offer me any suggestions of where to go from here, because I just can't take this anymore: she's in my head all day long every day and nothing seems to work. I can't move on. I have a small shitty part time job myself now and im typing this while on the clock. Nothing will improve and thats ok. I just hope she knows when Im gone that i meant the things i said. The only thing that keeps me going is just hoping that she might miss our good times enough to try to start anew with me someday...
Last edited:
