Venting I want to get better

[SilverFog]

I just want to be happy. For a while things were looking a lot better for me, but now I'm back to where I was before. I just want to be able to fix myself but whenever I'm getting better for a bit something happens that destroys all the progress I made, and I go right back to pushing away my friends, and thinking everyone hates me and would be happier if I was dead. I guess it's a self fulfilling prophecy at this point. I got diagnosed with BPD not too long ago, but it didn't help with fixing my broken head. It just looks/feels like I'm stuck as a toxic, self destructive person, who gets too attached to anyone who makes me feel less alone, then inevitably something happens where I'm abandoned again and try to kill myself. I just feel like the universe wants me to stay broken and suffering, I'm trying to get a job but can't, I'm trying to get proper medication but my psychiatrist ghosts me and I can't get my prescription. I can barely eat anything anymore, and I think it's messing me up a lot. I'm Sorry for the whining, I'm just lost and idk what to do anymore.