Venting I want to die but i also don't. Im not the only one right..?

[LonelyPrince]

People from the outside see me taking steps into actively fixing my life and think I'm finally doing better.

Am I really tho?

Yes, I got a job. Yes, I'm planning to give art school another try.
Yet sometimes I still wish I had a pill I could swallow, fall asleep, and never wake up.

I'm debating whether to buy sn in the future, just to have the comfort of having way out.
However, sn seems anything but peaceful. By reading people's experiences it sounds fucking horrible and I don't think I have the capacity to put myself through that.
I don't have high anchor points in my house and I can't tie a noose knot for the life of me. I don't want to stand over a bridge in front of everybody and I don't have any drugs nor have enough will to actively search for them in the dark web.

I feel like no matter what I'll do, I'll never be happy.
What's the point of keeping up if I can't cultivate the one thing I'm "good" at? I have stories to tell through my drawings...but my hands don't produce what my fucking brain wants.
People get better and I don't. People train and train and I don't...wonder why?! Because I'm depressed and everything is too hard, too boring at this point.

Overdoses are fucking useless if you don't have like boxes and boxes of medication. What if I take all my medications combined and then don't pass out?! I'll just have to deal with he consequences and be punished for trying to overdose again.

 

[KnightOfSwords]

I feel you bro. I don't know if it gets better - never been there for now. But I DO know that one day you'll be able to create exactly (or really close to it) what your brain wants, and it's fucking great and makes life less miserable. You'll get there if you continue practicing even a little. I'm nowhere where I want myself to be in terms of art but I'm much more satisfied with my skill now, and you will be too.

 

[4colliez]

it's so easy to want to die. but being on here makes you realise the sheer complexity of dying peacefully, without fear or traumatising someone else.

i'm arguably doing better than i was a few months ago, i'm actively going to therapy, on meds.. but like you said if i had a magic pill that guaranteed i painlessly pass away in my sleep i'd take it instantly.

as a fellow artist i 100% feel what you're saying.. i'm going to say this because you posted in recovery, but healing isn't a linear process... you're gonna have days where you feel like all the progress you've made has led to nothing and that you're just the same as before. like all the things you've accomplished are meaningless, and that while people on the outside will think you'd be happy about, you just won't be. but you'll also have times where you'll feel fine, and as long as you're trying you're doing better than the day before

 

[tiokapaws]

Dont worry you're not the only one. Living is so hard but at the same time so is dying. No matter which path is chosen it won't be easy. And as a fellow artist, I understand the frustration felt when you can't properly execute your ideas into image.

But also don't be too hard on yourself! Like are you seriously telling me that if you compare your art from now to maybe 4 years ago that there's no improvement? I remember when I hit a sort of stagnant point with my art and even despite spending hours upon hours studying techniques, my art was crap. I saw other artists both irl and online who exceeded my skill effortlessly. But sometimes you just need time to grow (which can be a lifetime worth of learning) so there's no harm in taking breaks from art whether that be months or years. I always found I work best after one.

Also, forgive me if I'm overstepping, but if you're unhappy with where you are with your art, is art school really the right call? Doing art for school is lowk known for making people hate art and creating since alot of the times it's hitting checkpoints of what examiners and teachers want rather than for enjoyment. After all, you can always create art in your own time. Though, if your considering going into a specific artistic sector and need a degree or simply want to do it anyway, you can totally ignore me, I'm mostly just speaking from my own personal experience.

Either way, I hope times will get at least a little easier for you.