NSFW i want to be attractive even though i'm suicidal lol

[monetpompo]

i ate 2 samosas today
was pretty awesome​

I think my want to get laid is about the same level as how much I want to die. I know I'm not unattractive since people have called me conventionally attractive in the past and sometimes I look good in the mirror, but I used to use sex as a measure for how desirable I was both as a person and as a nameless naked person. I've gained a little weight because of my depression but I always think I look worse than I actually do when I'm depressed. Sometimes I dress up to compensate but I still think my face and my body are ugly and that no one really wants me. I've never been dated and I've only done hookups from online randoms. Being a trans guy doesn't help. I've only had sex with bi guys or straight guys that go on grindr to get laid. I really hate the personal questions I get about my body but I care about having sex more honestly. But even then, the sex isn't good and I only really want to meet up with randoms because I want attention and I want people to talk to me. I guess it's my own fault for seeking out hook ups anyways. Guys makes me anxious now since I feel too depressed and like I would let myself be taken advantage of just so someone would like me. Me meeting up with other trans people was a disaster since I would get ghosted or we would have nothing in common, lol. Most lonely people probably resort to hookups like me. Especially since it feels like the only real resort if you feel undesirable otherwise. I don't want to be judged for it even if I feel ashamed of it because I know other people would do it too if they felt like they had nothing else to offer people but their sex.

Hooking up with someone I found less attractive than me was common. I didn't really care since I could get laid. Every time it was really just for the attention. I know I shouldn't do it again but I get bored rotting in my house. What I tell people is that I don't need to care how someone looks when I can just take my glasses off (basically half-blind without them) and have the person's face melt in front of me. Guys like paying attention to me because they like objectifying my body. I feel more lonely the day after since I know it didn't mean anything and I'm still bored. I used to think that it was a way to feel like a normal person, since normal people get laid because people like them. The way I do it isn't normal since I don't like sex and I just want someone to want to be around me. I know that to most people, I'll be burden to them because of my financial situation anyway, so I always feel like I owe a part of myself. No one's ever manipulated me or forced me to bang them, so it's never been that bad. I just feel like I'm not really a person. I feel like I have no real way to denote my worth when I've always felt like I've never mattered to anyone.

 

[Pluto]

 

[TooLate2582]

In my darker times, I too have engaged in similar behavior. I don't know if it's the temporary connection that I wish was more permanent or the serotonin hit. The riskier/crazier the better, married women, public places, etc.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

For me, sex and everything that goes with it, is too complicated and I need my personal space. I gave up on the whole idea. How I ended up an old married man with a wife and two kids is one of life's mysteries. I just thought I would pop into this thread with a completely different point of view, I don't know why. But it makes sense to want to be attractive even though suicidal.

 

[monetpompo]

View attachment 168713

thank you pluto, very cool
the samosas were yummy and i ate 2 more for dinner

In my darker times, I too have engaged in similar behavior. I don't know if it's the temporary connection that I wish was more permanent or the serotonin hit. The riskier/crazier the better, married women, public places, etc.

i love just being able to be around people. i would do anything to be around people and be paid attention to, and the easiest way to get that is by taking my clothes off. if i didn't know any better, i'd engage in riskier behavior too. i stopped before a got an std because guys kept wanting to not use a condom, lol. i really do feel like i'm the kind of person that would be manipulated if someone kept offering me attention. it feels so good to feel like i matter to someone, even if it's all fake, because they act like they care about more. it's an awful feeling. i only contribute to the cycle when someone genuine comes along, because i want to use them for my own entertainment instead of treat them like a person. sex feels like the easiest way for me to feel something besides numbness.

 

[myucore]

Sorry if I'm start talking about myself... I would delete this if it makes you uncomfortable...

I only find suicidal people to be attractive. Both online and offline. I'm not interested in a bit to people who I couldn't relate to even they have the most attractive body I could ever imagine. Somehow, attractiveness for me is not about the body.

I'm having a hard time finding those people who I could relate with crippling loneliness and longing for acceptance. Speaking freely about my darkest internal thoughts and feelings, listening to their thoughts as well, taking care of each other where we understand what we need for each other-

I found that someone I could trust and I could vent on for hours or listening to them vent for hours, or maybe crying in their presence is the most desirable quality. Crying together in hopelessness might somehow become a hope for me to finally feel like I'm not alone and I mean something to someone...

Though I feel like this kind of relationship could be quite turbulent, mixing myself with their internal world and their trauma or the opposite... I've been in a lot of "karmic relationship" [These relationships are often intense, passionate, and full of emotional ups and downs, sometimes leading to feelings of being trapped or codependent. While they can be powerful catalysts for personal growth, they are not typically healthy or sustainable in the long term. - thanks AI~ ]

But yeah, being together in the same trauma might be attractive to someone...

Mostly I found them in community where venting is normal

 

[25jiyuki]

I feel you. For me, I have this longing to connect with someone on the deepest level. The feeling eats me alive when I'm alone. I'm nothing without another person with me, which is pretty pathetic. I've also been intimate with people just to feel something. To feel more complete.