I want out and soon

[SuicidalSymphonies]

These last couple of weeks have been very difficult and I wish I knew why.

I saw my doctor today and now I have to see a psychiatrist and get a tube down my throat to see why I always choke on my food... For now, it's water, gatorade and Boost. I don't know what to do.

I explained to him that my pain medication is doing nothing for me and he suggested the pain clinic. Again. Which could take a year or more. I won't be here. April and May feel like Light years away.

My SN is supposed to arrive near the end of the month. I even told my dr about the constant nausea and he didn't give me a single thing. How am I supposed to eat if they find out what's wrong if I feel sick all the time? How am I supposed to live this way? Apparently I've been through every kind of anti depressant, so now I'm off to see a psych, because that's not his expertise.

I feel like doing all of this is not worth it at all, but I'm doing it anyway to play the game. What do I do? How do I cope or even keep myself from going on impulse? It's true, I'm a hypocrite, but how do you guys avoid impulse decisions?

~ H x

 

[Stan]

I feel like doing all of this is not worth it at all, but I'm doing it anyway to play the game. What do I do? How do I cope or even keep myself from going on impulse? It's true, I'm a hypocrite, but how do you guys avoid impulse decisions?

I had one the other day. Took out all the components and knew that in a couple of hours I could be gone. I just had to walk away. And I mean walk, I went out and just walked and people watched for a while. I calmed down a bit which meant it was safe for me to go back home.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I had one the other day. Took out all the components and knew that in a couple of hours I could be gone. I just had to walk away. And I mean walk, I went out and just walked and people watched for a while. I calmed down a bit which meant it was safe for me to go back home.

That's probably a good idea. My body isn't the greatest lately and I've been very sick so it's hard to walk away. Usually I try to sleep it off but I can't even sleep. Times are tough as hell right now.

 

[Stan]

That's probably a good idea. My body isn't the greatest lately and I've been very sick so it's hard to walk away. Usually I try to sleep it off but I can't even sleep. Times are tough as hell right now.

I did something a bit stupid that night which gave me 12 hours sleep. I would not recommend it though

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I did something a bit stupid that night which gave me 12 hours sleep. I would not recommend it though

Been taking more than my recommended dose of meds if I want a chance at sleep at all. Similar or?

 

[Stan]

Been taking more than my recommended dose of meds if I want a chance at sleep at all. Similar or?

Took a bit of My plan B with a decent amount of scotch

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

Took a bit of My plan B with a decent amount of scotch

Yeah, drank a whole lot yesterday and smoked for the first time. 8 cigs later. I felt good but also screwed off the alcohol and then after all of that mess, I came home and took my meds. Some stuff happened that I regret but it wasn't because of me. I just wish it didn't happen. Wanted to ctb as soon as I came home.

 

[Stan]

Wanted to ctb as soon as I came home.

The important thing is that you got through it so well done!

 

[Hunter100]

Yeah, drank a whole lot yesterday and smoked for the first time. 8 cigs later. I felt good but also screwed off the alcohol and then after all of that mess, I came home and took my meds. Some stuff happened that I regret but it wasn't because of me. I just wish it didn't happen. Wanted to ctb as soon as I came home.

Im sorry you're feeling this way and going through thine. Nothing I can say to fix anything but just letting you know, I'm here if you want to talk

 

[WhiteDespair]

@Stan is right. Finding some distance is key. There's a non-zero chance I'd be in a hospital or psych ward instead of the board right now if I was within range of my SSRIs that morning.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

The important thing is that you got through it so well done!

Thanks, Stan. Such comforting words. x

Im sorry you're feeling this way and going through thine. Nothing I can say to fix anything but just letting you know, I'm here if you want to talk

Thank you so much. My PMs are also always open for chatting.

@Stan is right. Finding some distance is key. There's a non-zero chance I'd be in a hospital or psych ward instead of the board right now if I was within range of my SSRIs that morning.

I totally understand. I'm sorry you've been feeling under the weather, yourself... x