Venting I want help, but there is no help

[dreadedliving]

I want to recover even though I truely think I'm too far gone (been struggling with ideation for over 12 years) and I've been trying to reach out for as long as I could remember.

When I was a minor I had the barrier of my parents sheltering me and refusing to let me talk to anyone or even get a diagnosis of even depression.

College came and I tried reaching out. Was referred to outpatient heard nothing back. Following year different doctor, same thing. Referral new meds. Nothing. I stopped for a while there then tried again. Third doctor basically refused to prescribe me anything and straight up told me I'm just lonely and need more people (very well wasn't the case).

I finally got my own GP about 3 years ago and he's referred me to outpatient and was refused. He tried again, they took me, the psychiatrist had me spill my life story to them only to be told I'm fine and nothing is wrong with me and basically don't come back without even giving an assessment of any sort.

My GP was trying to handle it since then but last 6 months have been brutal with how fixated I am on CTB so he referred me again in hopes we get somewhere.

I truely don't think it'll get anywhere even if I'm lucky enough to get an appointment. I simply don't have the effort in me to keep trying to reach out again and again as it's been 6 years of me doing so.

The healthcare system in completely flooded. Even people who go to the ER who are actively dying have been turned away because "it's the usual" and have unfortunately passed.

How do you keep holding on and reaching out when clearly there's no one there?

 

[Jadeith]

How do you keep holding on and reaching out when clearly there's no one there?

Starting from the end - i don't. I do not reach out as i see no point in doing so. I do not trust people, especially therapists as they are "designed" to earn monies from our "instabilities". Besides, i don't think there's anything they could say that would make me feel better. And i do not want to alter my mind using advanced chemistry. I refuse to become chem induced smiling idiot only because society can't stand my darkness.

How do i keep holding on? Duties. I try to be useful to my fam. I love and care for them dearly. I have offspring and i must see it reach maturity and independence. Also i'd rather not go before my parents. They are good people and do not deserve to bury their child.

 

[timf]

Reaching out may not, as you have already discovered", get you the results you would like. Jadeith made a good point. Sometimes ideation can come when someone is too focused on themselves. If you can find a way to make an investment in others, it might give some relief. For example, if you did some volunteer work once a week like reading to the elderly, you might find that the satisfaction of helping someone else can drive back inner demons.