I told my psychiatrist I use this site (in broad terms- not the name or any details or clues

[stardewwindceres]

I didn't tell her the name or even what it was like, just that I found a place online where people openly discuss suicide without judgement and don't immediately try to talk you out of it, people who understand, things like that. And she wouldn't go looking anyway, In my almost 30 years of seeing doctors for some mental issue or another there has only been one other besides her that I can actually say I liked and, if they actually really don't, they were/are extremely good at acting like they give a shit about me and helping me. The other one retired and it took me forever to find her. It's very ironic that the one person I can tell I frequent this site is my actual psychiatrist. I even told her that I have been researching more ways to do it so that it is likely successful. Honestly, I was about maybe 3 percent worried that she would want me in the hospital, but she didn't. She told me from the very beginning right after I started seeing her a few times and she started to learn my history with mental illness that she essentially validates my experience with mental illness over her knowledge of it, regarding my case, and would not be pushing things onto me, etc. And she would never involuntarily have me locked up. I mean, if I showed up to her office or house or wherever with a gun or something that might be a different story. I don't know what she would do if I ever tried to commit suicide and it failed and I ended up in the ER- maybe then she would, I don't know, but it is really nice because it's just something I don't have to worry about with her and I can be open about what is going on in my head, which is why this came up. The one thing that sucks is that she is so busy, I only get to see her 3-4 times a year. She answers emails and returns phone calls promptly though, so I've talked to her a lot.

Sorry did my annoying getting off track thing. Anyway, A few weeks ago, I made short term decision that I would at least hold off on CTB until the beginning of next year. I figure, what's one more month and I am doing the extreme thing that I told myself I was never going to do again, ECT. This time though, the theory is that I do it the way it's usually done, for acute situations and issues and a short course of treatment. Not like last time, where the other doctor who actually does the ECT just kept telling me to come and over a year later I was still doing it.

It honestly could be a huge waste of time and do absolutely nothing. Or maybe I can get to a place where I can I don't know, think past the immediate suicidal thoughts and images that are just bombarding me whenever I am awake and, fuck, I don't know, it would open up some space at last. I have to get it scheduled- I wish she was the doctor I was going to deal with when it comes to this, but there is only one doctor at this practice who does it at the hospital. I am going to be able to do it outpatient thankfully. I am still waiting to be scheduled, but she suggested 10 treatments (they do them Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week and I don't know what the schedule will be like Christmas week) I can't stand the doctor that does the ECT within the group practice of psychiatrists and therapists, I don't know if he makes any extra money off of this or if he's just lazy and would rather tell people to just keep doing it than try to work with them or if he's just a psycho or something, but this time, much unlike last time where I only had him giving me options and advice, I have the support of a doctor that actually does work with, me and takes my experiences and opinions into considerations and actually gives a shit/does a damg good job at pretending like she does- the deal as far as I'm concerned is that he's the means to the end, but I will be discussing the effectiveness and assessing things as we go with her.

I'm calling it a hail mary at this point. I have the option, I know what not to do this time, and I have someone else besides just the ECT doc to actually use while I'm doing it. I won't have an appoitment until whenever it's over, but she told me to email her whenever I need to and she would call. And she's always done that so I don't doubt she will. If it's a bust, well, the SN is still here. I don't see the point going through yet another year unless something can be different. At the very least, I have literally not left my house in over 5 years, except to take my dog out, to see my psychiatrist in the office every 3 months, and those few months I was going for the ketamine treatments that faild spectacularly. So, literally, just being able to leave the house would be a step in a good direction. I don't know what I'm thinking this is going to accomplish really. or how. I know I'm reaching here and just plain desperate. Ever since I got the SN and meto I've felt like I actually have the option to CTB with a mostly successful outcome. This time I'll be doing the ECT in a short course of treatment, like it should be done. If it's a waste? When it's a waste? Well, I've got a box in the closet.

Anyway, no one has to reply to this, I just felt like typing it out to see if I could organize my thoughts a little better. It still seems pointless, but whatever. I don't know.

 

[braintorture]

I wish you good luck with your journey. Sending love and support

 

[sohopelessandempty]

I didn't tell her the name or even what it was like, just that I found a place online where people openly discuss suicide without judgement and don't immediately try to talk you out of it, people who understand, things like that. And she wouldn't go looking anyway, In my almost 30 years of seeing doctors for some mental issue or another there has only been one other besides her that I can actually say I liked and, if they actually really don't, they were/are extremely good at acting like they give a shit about me and helping me. The other one retired and it took me forever to find her. It's very ironic that the one person I can tell I frequent this site is my actual psychiatrist. I even told her that I have been researching more ways to do it so that it is likely successful. Honestly, I was about maybe 3 percent worried that she would want me in the hospital, but she didn't. She told me from the very beginning right after I started seeing her a few times and she started to learn my history with mental illness that she essentially validates my experience with mental illness over her knowledge of it, regarding my case, and would not be pushing things onto me, etc. And she would never involuntarily have me locked up. I mean, if I showed up to her office or house or wherever with a gun or something that might be a different story. I don't know what she would do if I ever tried to commit suicide and it failed and I ended up in the ER- maybe then she would, I don't know, but it is really nice because it's just something I don't have to worry about with her and I can be open about what is going on in my head, which is why this came up. The one thing that sucks is that she is so busy, I only get to see her 3-4 times a year. She answers emails and returns phone calls promptly though, so I've talked to her a lot.

Sorry did my annoying getting off track thing. Anyway, A few weeks ago, I made short term decision that I would at least hold off on CTB until the beginning of next year. I figure, what's one more month and I am doing the extreme thing that I told myself I was never going to do again, ECT. This time though, the theory is that I do it the way it's usually done, for acute situations and issues and a short course of treatment. Not like last time, where the other doctor who actually does the ECT just kept telling me to come and over a year later I was still doing it.

It honestly could be a huge waste of time and do absolutely nothing. Or maybe I can get to a place where I can I don't know, think past the immediate suicidal thoughts and images that are just bombarding me whenever I am awake and, fuck, I don't know, it would open up some space at last. I have to get it scheduled- I wish she was the doctor I was going to deal with when it comes to this, but there is only one doctor at this practice who does it at the hospital. I am going to be able to do it outpatient thankfully. I am still waiting to be scheduled, but she suggested 10 treatments (they do them Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week and I don't know what the schedule will be like Christmas week) I can't stand the doctor that does the ECT within the group practice of psychiatrists and therapists, I don't know if he makes any extra money off of this or if he's just lazy and would rather tell people to just keep doing it than try to work with them or if he's just a psycho or something, but this time, much unlike last time where I only had him giving me options and advice, I have the support of a doctor that actually does work with, me and takes my experiences and opinions into considerations and actually gives a shit/does a damg good job at pretending like she does- the deal as far as I'm concerned is that he's the means to the end, but I will be discussing the effectiveness and assessing things as we go with her.

I'm calling it a hail mary at this point. I have the option, I know what not to do this time, and I have someone else besides just the ECT doc to actually use while I'm doing it. I won't have an appoitment until whenever it's over, but she told me to email her whenever I need to and she would call. And she's always done that so I don't doubt she will. If it's a bust, well, the SN is still here. I don't see the point going through yet another year unless something can be different. At the very least, I have literally not left my house in over 5 years, except to take my dog out, to see my psychiatrist in the office every 3 months, and those few months I was going for the ketamine treatments that faild spectacularly. So, literally, just being able to leave the house would be a step in a good direction. I don't know what I'm thinking this is going to accomplish really. or how. I know I'm reaching here and just plain desperate. Ever since I got the SN and meto I've felt like I actually have the option to CTB with a mostly successful outcome. This time I'll be doing the ECT in a short course of treatment, like it should be done. If it's a waste? When it's a waste? Well, I've got a box in the closet.

Anyway, no one has to reply to this, I just felt like typing it out to see if I could organize my thoughts a little better. It still seems pointless, but whatever. I don't know.

I hope things go well for you, curious why the ECT didn't work the first time? I know you said the doctor was shitty but like did he do it wrong or something? You said it's meant to be done short term, or at least that's how people usually do it. Also same question about the ketamine, I've considered trying both of these things if in the future my condition doesn't improve, however I have heard many people say it doesn't work and feel discouraged. Everyone's different though, and it's not your fault or anything.

 

[Jadeith]

As they say, if you do nothing, nothing will change. If you do something, something might change. If for the better or worse, remains to be seen. But i'll keep my fingers crossed that you'll get a chance to get out of mental shithole you're currently in. Just in case ;-)

I just felt like typing it out to see if I could organize my thoughts a little better. It still seems pointless

Far from pointless. 1st - as you mentioned, it helps in thought organizing so it already has a purpose. 2nd - might serve as a kind of journal for documenting your journey, however it might end. 3rd - might give others in similar situation some insight or inspiration maybe.

 

[Tobacco]

I told a practicing psychologist about this place and he was absolutely disgusted with the idea. To no one's surprise, I stopped seeing him after a few weeks. I felt he lacked understanding.

Then I told my habitual psychiatrist and he just told me to try not to come here more often. I did and we left it at that.

 

[stardewwindceres]

I hope things go well for you, curious why the ECT didn't work the first time? I know you said the doctor was shitty but like did he do it wrong or something? You said it's meant to be done short term, or at least that's how people usually do it. Also same question about the ketamine, I've considered trying both of these things if in the future my condition doesn't improve, however I have heard many people say it doesn't work and feel discouraged. Everyone's different though, and it's not your fault or anything.

It's not so much that the ECT didn't work, it did get me out of immediate danger- I was extremely suicidal like I am now and had impulsively attempted through overdose, which ofc didn't work, so I ended up in the hospital that the doctors I see do rounds at the psych ward there and that's where I agreed to do the ECT and it did pull me out of that. It didn't touch my depression though. But I didn't feel like I was going to impulsively CTB or do it in the near future. The problem was for how long I did it, and how long he let me and, I honestly should take more blame on myself, because I could have stopped going. I was expecting more from it I think than I should have been. I just did it for way to long and the negative effects on cognitive things like my memory, headaches that eventually got better after a few years, a lot of confusion and trouble following trains of thought for a while afterwards, but honestly the affects on my memory were the worst. Whole chunks of time just randomly missing. Like somethings people will tell me happened, even from before the ECT and I have no idea. And more frequently things that I know happened but I just don't remember them. The main thing that still gets me to this day is I just feel dumber. Like it takes me so much longer to read now. No just because I read more slowly, but because I'll have to re-read the same sentences multiple times, I'll get character names, places, etc. confused sometimes, I'll get a few chapters in a book or paragraphs through something and then a plot point won't make sense because I forgot something I read earlier so I have to take the time to go back and remember- things like that. I hope that makes sense.

If he did it wrong, I have no idea. I assume I had the seizures like you're supposed to because they hooked me up to the machine and put me under anesthethia, but what they did while I was under is all them. From what I gather- he would just always ask me "how are you feeling" to which I would usually say- I'm not actively suicidal anymore but still extremely depressed- that never went away- and I don't know how he adjusted the "charge" of the electricity based on that so I have no idea as far as all of that. He just never tried to talk more than "How are you feeling" and if it wasn't a significant better, he'd just say to come back. And a lot of the people who were going had been going for a long time too, so honestly, that was just a whole blur of a few years there and then a plateau of nothing but a void before things just started to get worse to where they are now.

As for the ketamine, I didn't really have any negative effects from that except for headaches right afterwards that went away. It does have a pretty high success rate, anecdotally. It does statistically for sure, but I don't trust those numbers. It just didn't work for me. I did Spravato ketamine treatments though, which is like some kind of isolated particle in ketamine. There are treatments called "ketamine infusions" where you are hooked up to an IV and they run ketamine through you for a few hours I think (not quite sure on the time) and that has a higher success rate. I think Spravato is more drug company/ Big Pharma hype. I wanted to try the actual ketamine infusions, but my insurance doesn't cover any of it.

I don't want to discourage you from trying any of this. There were people I was doing Spravato treatments with and they did work for them. Same with ECT.

 

[NutOrat]

I was wondering that myself, whether it would be ok to mention SaSu in any covert way to the therapist. Obviously I would never say "yeah I use this website, it's called sanctioned-dash-suicide-dot-net", I'm not stupid. I don't want to bring any more unwanted attention to the website, it gets that enough I feel. But I also feel like I wouldn't be able to fully describe my life without somehow mentioning that I frequent a "forum for depressed and suicidal people's peer support". I think that's the softest way I can think of to call it . Despite not being on here for long, it's become a big part of my current life and beliefs, I feel like it has influenced me in both good and bad ways.

I'm glad you found a good psychiatrist though, she does sound like a kind person too! These two things together are somehow a rarity, many psychiatrists are very result-oriented and overly pragmatic, some are even judgemental, which is like... how? How do you work in a mental health field and are judgemental/belittling to others? Do you even enjoy your job? Lol, I'm ranting aren't I? Anyway, I wish you a smooth recovery!

The main thing that still gets me to this day is I just feel dumber. Like it takes me so much longer to read now. No just because I read more slowly, but because I'll have to re-read the same sentences multiple times, I'll get character names, places, etc. confused sometimes, I'll get a few chapters in a book or paragraphs through something and then a plot point won't make sense because I forgot something I read earlier so I have to take the time to go back and remember- things like that. I hope that makes sense.

Wait... you're implying most people don't have these issues since childhood?? I'm kidding, but seriously, I think I've been this way for as long as I can remember myself. My parents and teachers always called me lazy for not reading books thoroughly, or for being way too slow. But I have such trouble reading big walls of text, I constantly get lines mixed up, I needed a ruler to read at school (I still kinda do), I need to re-read things multiple times for it to "click", etc. Apparently some people never have to struggle with that, huh... must be nice. I totally feel you on this.

 

[wordsoutb4sumnelsin]

Counselor here. Always felt important to clarify that psychiatrists ARE doctors. They have to go through the same medical school ANY doctor goes through. It not having been my schooling, I don't know the details THAT much, but I know they tend not to get training/have the time/nor is it fitting their program to ACTUALLY be able to be an effective therapist. They are medication dispensers. Generally should be popping those out in their 15min. sessions.

Kinda similar with psychologists. There are many specialties in psychology. Other than clinical psychologists, again, they are not focusing on training to become therapists.

EVEN further, there are so many therapeutic modalities, different schools with different focuses.
For me, the school twice the cost of the other, but that required mental health counseling students to ACTUALLY have a certain number of their OWN counseling hours... It seemed crazy to me to NOT do so. (Especially cuz I already was...)

Anyways, what helped me and made me want to "pay it forward" was ultimately humanistic therapy.
If I were to want to find someone who actually cared, listened, didn't judge. That hopefully could be told about being on here. It would be a therapist with a strong humanistic core. And this stuff could be asked beforehand.

This stuff, dealing with insurance, employers, licensing, liability, HIPAA, on and on...
Plenty systems and reasons for there to be and have to encounter rigid, medicalized and result-oriented mental health practitioners.
Same as them NEEDING it to be "Behavioral Health"... Could always go on...

IDK, hopefully this is something that can have ANY meaning to someone. Or not, all good!