Discussion I think the only thing I care about now is that it fkn works,I'm done ruminating about this shit over and over

[fkyou]

I think the only thing I care about now is that it fkn works,I'm done ruminating about this shit over and over.its fked up to be in a dire situation with emotions and thaughts over the top, 1 inch from ending it and that 1 inch is " b-b-but is it gonna work,b-b-b-but what if it doesn't what if I end up with brain damage somehow" the same fkn one inch question over and over and over again.at this point it's not about whether I want to end it but that one obsession over and over again. I'm way past the time I wanted to leave. I'm miserable because I couldn't leave when I felt like I I want to. Left to be with my horrible thoughts that I wanted to avoid in the first place. I don't care about no Brain damage anymore. I wanted to leave way long before and I should have been able to .I should have been able to leave when I knew things will start breaking down.by that i mean my mental health.i think some people here could understand what I mean.thats because after I took the decision to ctb,that means I stopped fighting stoped being positive and definitely didn't wanna stick around seeing people live life like we all want.so leaving was so important for me.im not just staying here.im staying here to notice myself go downhill.which nobody wants.most of it I put the blame on the people around me . it's very hard to do anything around them. Obviously I blame all society that brings sentient beings to life and prohibits exit.iam very spiteful (I mean angry) towards my family.as they have been the biggest obstacle against my ability to leave when I wanted.in a good time.with no sore feelings.today I'm full of hate bad self esteem thoughts and crippling grief. It's not "timing doesn't matter now or later the act is the same" no I'm suffering here. It's been three years since I joined sasu since I dropped out of college and since I couldn't stay fighting anymore. Being able to leave when I wanted was the only comforting thing left to me but now I'm living the nightmare I wanted to avoid.during this time there was many nights when I felt like this is it I could go now.and members here know how few those moments are how SI is awful ( to know you have to go but not want to leave life) iam a human afterall I'm not a god. I didn't want to leave life behind, people assume those who commit suicide are heartless psychos who don't know what they're doing,no, I have to. it's hard for us. That's why leaving on time when I finally bring the courage to go is very important.its my only chance to escape this awful hell.and I expect to be able to do it. That's why I'm very resentful and hateful towards my family members because not only they couldn't help me with my problems they are the once making me suffer another type of hell. They are the reason I couldn't do it. Someone would say you can't blame your family no fk them the amount of time I felt like I'm doing them dirty by ctb is countless I could have done it in one of those times but I thought about them alot and it's the most emotionally abusive moments of my life. I'm living in hell and the least I expect from the people who doomede in this hell is to be able to leave it when I think so.i mourn the amount of nights I felt like i wanted to do it and couldn't, also I don't care about no brain damage anymore.if anything goes wrong it's their responsibility.i should be able to leave this hell. Those who births us or those who've been an obstacle in our way of ctb are responsible for it.