CrocHead66
New Member
- Oct 28, 2023
- 2
I've come to the realization I really do want to be alive, but this world doesn't want me to be alive. Not to collect minority stones or sound all woe is me I'm in a marginalized group of people but I'm recently diagnosed autistic , have mental health issues and transmasc. My parents don't support my transition even though I've been out for 5 years and on Testosterone for about 3. They don't "agree" with my autism diagnosis. I work in food service which is shit because customers are the meanest people on earth but I'm only at this fuck ass coffee shop to have insurance so I can get top surgery. I've realized I'm not good in food service it's too much people and interactions. I want to go back to warehousing and manual labor. But if I do that I'm gonna lose insurance. Anyways my point is there's kind of a lot against me. I'm on medication for my depression and bipolar and blah blah but that only helps a little and there's no medication for autism so that's super fun. I guess I just thought that after my first attempt in 2020 I'd be happier but I'm not . I survived and have grown but for what? This world is heartless and cruel. I'm only really sticking around so that the people in my life don't have to deal with grief. I want to be alive but for what? The world will keep spinning once I'm done. The flowers will still bloom, their petals plucked by small children. Everything stays the same. Soon enough my friends and family will heal and it won't matter. But no I'm selfish if I go through with it… how is it selfish to not want to suffer anymore? I don't function well without medication and with too much noise and stimulation. I don't function well without loads of people but I force myself to because I need to work towards my goals. And if I die my parents will just dead name me and put me in a dress for my funeral which is so disrespectful. I need to find a way to give my best friend rights over me. Anyways idk what the point of any of this is. What's the point of life… I just wish I was never born or that I had succeeded the first time I tried.
