I think I’m finally done

[dogdrool]

I'm tired. I'm genuinely so exhausted. I don't have any friends left, I fuck up and sabotage all of my relationships and that's left me with nothing. I lost my friends of 7 years because I needed to take some time to myself for a few months and it seems like they never even cared in the first place. My apologies are being left on read and I've been shut out.

I feel so disconnected from my appearance, mind and body as-well as my life in general. It feels like everybody besides me has a life, even if they don't know what they're doing with it. I used to love art, I've known since I was so young that I'd be an artist and now I don't give a fuck about it, nothing seems worth it anymore. I have nightmares and I cut myself and I can't cope by myself. When I look in the mirror, I don't even see someone I recognise. I'm familiar and comfortable but in a way that feels distant, like a video game avatar.
I've tried reaching out for help but it makes no difference.

My mum is suicidal and I've watched so many friends die to and attempt suicide. I tried 3 times last year and bailed every time because I'm a coward who fears death. I need to get over it.

I'm about to go into my second semester of my second year in university and I really don't think I can do it.

I don't actively want to kill myself right now which is what frustrates me the most. I just can't do it, I'm genuinely so tired and lonely and isolated and overwhelmed and stressed. I've asked for help so many times but nobody will take me seriously. I just want to kill myself out of spite at this point.

 

[dogdrool]

Just gonna add to this because I already have a few posts going around right now and I don't wanna make a new one.

I'm genuinely struggling so much. I keep trying to make things better and it feels like I'm constantly failing, I don't think I've ever been so lonely in my life. I just spend my evenings crying because I miss all the relationships I ruined and wasn't forgiven for. I've told people how isolated I feel but nobody has time.

None of this feels worth it, not at all. I don't look at things and think they're beautiful anymore, I don't enjoy things, I can't uphold friendships. Everybody is too busy and nobody truly cares about me. I've tried asking for help in so many ways. I just sit in my room feeling empty and isolated and upset. I wish people would forgive me and support me the way I try to for others. I like to think if the friends I've lost really understood that I was this close to the edge that they'd run back to help me.


I really really hope I feel actively suicidal again. I think about it every single day. I want to get that insatiable itch to travel to my location and throw myself on the rails. I don't care anymore

 

[itsgone2]

I'm genuinely struggling so much. I keep trying to make things better and it feels like I'm constantly failing, I don't think I've ever been so lonely in my life

Sorry. Just want to say I'm with. Lots of us in a similar spot. I hate it too. Every day is the same nightmare

I wish I could do something to end this for us. Everyone suffering really

 

[dogdrool]

I just want to rip my hair out and explode. I think this is gonna become just THE thread I use to say random shit.

I've only ever been romantically interested in one person in my life, EVER. It was some random guy I met when we were 16 and he blocked me, I've genuinely missed him since that day and it's been 4 years almost.
He's managed to rebuild a relationship with our mutual friends and we're seeing eachother next Thursday(for one of said mutual friends' birthdays) but he has made it very clear that he wants nothing to do with me despite being friends with everyone else. Quote 'I don't want him to be a part of my life, but I can tolerate him and be civil'. We haven't spoken since we were 16, I'm so different now. I feel isolated and singled out.

It really hurts, I just feel invisible and I can't handle all these small things. I just want to be friends at least. I think I'm just so lonely that every failure at potential connection genuinely feels so detrimental. I feel like I have no impact on anybody in my life, like I'm just forgettable and disposable. I know this seems so stupid and dramatic, just some random person who cut me off years ago but I really have thought of him a lot and I thought maybe if we grew separately for a while we'd be able to come back and reconnect eventually, not even necessarily romantically. We weren't even dating, we didn't break up or something, just mutual attraction that I think made him uneasy.

Ontop of that, I still just feel like shit. I feel like a lazy piece of crap and I lose more and more people every day. Every attempt I make at rebuilding the friendships I lost around when I last attempted has failed. I'm genuinely just begging for a second chance with anybody. I'm begging for someone to be going about their day and think 'oh I should check up on him'. I don't think anybody will ever think that about me.

 

[SanagiMezamete]

I know this seems so stupid and dramatic,

None of it is stupid. And I think a dramatic response is warranted in dramatic circumstances. Losing a friend or a crush can cause grief and be very traumatic depending on the circumstances. Especially if you're already feeling lonely and don't have a strong support network to fall back on.

I'm sorry you've been damaged in this way. I can sense so much pain reading through this thread. I can relate in a lot of ways, feeling like it's just not worth trying to get the things I want anymore. Or even if it is that I'm just too tired and apathetic to bother. Feeling lonely and stressed all the time takes a toll, which it seems you are acutely aware of.

Wishing you a boyfriend who truly cares and friends who will accept you as you are and not invalidate you. Everyone deserves that. Or at the very least some relief from your suffering. I know just saying that might not mean much though. And good luck at the birthday.

 

[dogdrool]

None of it is stupid. And I think a dramatic response is warranted in dramatic circumstances. Losing a friend or a crush can cause grief and be very traumatic depending on the circumstances. Especially if you're already feeling lonely and don't have a strong support network to fall back on.

I'm sorry you've been damaged in this way. I can sense so much pain reading through this thread. I can relate in a lot of ways, feeling like it's just not worth trying to get the things I want anymore. Or even if it is that I'm just too tired and apathetic to bother. Feeling lonely and stressed all the time takes a toll, which it seems you are acutely aware of.

Wishing you a boyfriend who truly cares and friends who will accept you as you are and not invalidate you. Everyone deserves that. Or at the very least some relief from your suffering. I know just saying that might not mean much though. And good luck at the birthday.

Thank you for not letting me feel silly. I do have bigger problems going on that feel more 'valid' but I think they've worn me down as far as they can and now it's just these sillier things that are chipping away at me.

I'm sorry that you feel similarly, it's really hard to ever figure out how to feel like things are worth it again. How to want to help yourself.