i think i might've seen my friends for the last time ever and they don't know.

[chloeburbank]

some friends that i barely see (different colleges) came back to visit and i got to hang out with them last friday. even though we barely see each other, i would consider them my closest friends cause honestly i dont have many at my school. they dont know that i plan on ctbing april/may. not like i would ever tell anyone other than on SaSu lol.

i felt so happy the day i got to hang out with them!! there were no thoughts about ctbing that day- i even forgot about the SN that has been sitting in my closet while they were in my room. now that they left to go back to school, everything kinda dropped again. the contrast of warmth and distraction then back to being alone and miserable. it feels like ive experienced something important that nobody else noticed. to them, it was probably just a normal hangout but i knew it might've been the last time i ever see them again. the urges have never been higher and the only thing stopping me is the fact that i only have the SN, nothing else that is recommended for protocol. is anybody else going through something like this? i dont really have anyone to talk to as my sasu friend ctb'd last week :(

 

[HopelessScientist]

It's horrible... I feel like I am betraying them, but if I tell them, they might try and interfere.

 

[CenturiesEnd]

I always think about the last time I'm going to see my friends. I actually thought it'd happen already but I postponed the end so many times, probably because of laziness and anxiety. Like you, I'm just waiting for my benzos, painkillers, and meto which will probably arrive sometime later in April.

What particularly bothers me the last few times I've seen my friends is that I couldn't help but think of what things would be like after I'm gone. It's so worrying and awkward to think of how they'll get along with a -1 to the group. Knowing this, I slowly try to drift away from them so hopefully they'll move on quick. I've never been like most of them to be honest, and I'm not sure how many even consider me friends the way I do. Which to be honest, they have every right to think so at this point.

 

[chloeburbank]

I always think about the last time I'm going to see my friends. I actually thought it'd happen already but I postponed the end so many times, probably because of laziness and anxiety. Like you, I'm just waiting for my benzos, painkillers, and meto which will probably arrive sometime later in April.

What particularly bothers me the last few times I've seen my friends is that I couldn't help but think of what things would be like after I'm gone. It's so worrying and awkward to think of how they'll get along with a -1 to the group. Knowing this, I slowly try to drift away from them so hopefully they'll move on quick. I've never been like most of them to be honest, and I'm not sure how many even consider me friends the way I do. Which to be honest, they have every right to think so at this point.

I hope I don't keep postponing mine. I really need to order the rest of my stuff lol. Do you have a source for benzos or are you prescribed? I'm scared of ordering from DH.

I try not to think of how people will react after I'm gone. I know its my choice but I can't help but feel a little guilty. I'm sure your friends will miss you a lot but they'll understand that you just wanted to find peace.

It's horrible... I feel like I am betraying them, but if I tell them, they might try and interfere.

Right!!! I hope the guilt doesn't overwhelm me when I decide to ctb. That's why I think SN is a good method for me. You just have to drink it. I'm horrible at asking for help so I doubt I'll call out for anyone as I ctb.

 

[CenturiesEnd]

I hope I don't keep postponing mine. I really need to order the rest of my stuff lol. Do you have a source for benzos or are you prescribed? I'm scared of ordering from DH.

I decided to bite the bullet and just order from DH. They have surprisingly reputable vendors there that have good reviews and the one I ordered from looked very promising. I don't think it would be too hard for most people here to be prescribed but I have absolutely no medical history of anxiety or anything of the sort that would warrant benzos and I'm only in my early 20s so I'm afraid I would have to pull a lot of strings and do a lot of lying just to maybe get a decent prescription. Not a very confrontational person in that sense. In terms of actual effectiveness of ctbing, benzos are not actually super essential so for me, taking the path of least resistance (DH) seemed attractive.

It takes a while to setup the crypto payment but I can help if needed.