I think I may ctb again soon

[DUDale]

I actually did ctb on March 16, 2025. However because an asshole didn't want to mind his own business, I was cruelly and inhumanely brought back to life only to suffer. To force someone to live after they already made the decision not to is the moral equivalent of murder. It's really the same thing. Making a life/death decision about a life not your own. I was in a hospital until they considered my physical condition stable. Approximately 2 weeks. I was then taken to a mental health facility and involuntarily committed. I was there for another 2 months. There was never any help or concern for the very valid issues that caused me to end my life initially. They didn't even pretend that they were trying to help me in any way. It was a horrible place, even in context of mental health facilities, which are usually horrible places. I was treated cruelly and inhumanely. I was exploited, abused and robbed. They stole my wallet, my cash, IDs. They even stole my damn clothes. They kept me in so long that caused me to lose everything else I owned. I had horrible harmful and inappropriate medications forced on me involuntarily. This is the moral equivalent of rape. Both are forcing something harmful and painful into your body against your will. The psychiatrist there couldn't have been more evil. In U.S. state of Pennsylvania, a person in this situation has absolutely no rights whatsoever and this is not uncommon or unique what happened to me. I was released with nothing and in bad physical condition having not completely recovering from dying and being brought back to life. I was denied any type of treatment for the pain and agonizing physical symptoms the entire 2 months. I am now considering very seriously ending my life again as many people on this site are. I'm being torn apart emotionally by intense struggle between death wish and survival instinct. I feel that I must die and death is my only viable option but human survival instinct is a real and powerful thing and the internal battle rages. I would appreciate anyone here who wants to communicate with me and help me sort it out. 988 is a shallow phony scam. Not possible to have any meaningful honest dialogue. Same with any other so-called crisis hotline entities and I can't be completely honest with any for fear of ending up back in the horrific "hospital". I would rather die right now then end up back in that venue for any length of time. Thanks for reading about my dilemma whoever does and please reply with any thoughts. I welcome all replies, thoughts, ideas and comments.

 

[bpdwriter]

First, I am so sorry you went through all of that. Everyone failed you at every stage. I can't even imagine the level of dehumanization you went through against your will repeatedly. It's so shitty how people want folks to not ctb, but fail to provide actual support when they force us to stay.

It's impossible to give any conclusive advice without knowing your original situation, but can I ask how is your day to day these days? What are your main concerns leading you to want to ctb? Is moving at all possible in your future? Are you 100% decided on ctb or is there still a part of you, even tiny, that wants to try living?

For me, as trivial as it is, my reason is financial. I think I could live with depression & mental issues for the rest of my predicted lifespan, but depression + shitty circumstances is a big nono. But what I've decided for now is, there is still time to try. Though I hate my therapist and there is looming debt in my near future, I've yet to exhaust all of my options. After that, then, if my circumstances are still shitty, there is a good chance I CTB.

Oddly enough, wanting to ctb has made enjoy some things more. Like I won't feel as bad eating extra calories or buying something that will make me smile, even temporarily because there's a good chance I won't even make it that far.

 

[unluckysadness]

It's so sad and unfair. I wish you peace. Nobody deserves this

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrific what you've been through, it truly is the most horrifying world where suicide is treated as a crime with the suffering and torture of existing seen as to force and prolong no matter what, it really sounds like you've suffered so much, there's just so much cruelty in how people are treat so badly for wanting to decide when they die, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[darksouls]

I wish you peace

 

[DUDale]

First, I am so sorry you went through all of that. Everyone failed you at every stage. I can't even imagine the level of dehumanization you went through against your will repeatedly. It's so shitty how people want folks to not ctb, but fail to provide actual support when they force us to stay.

It's impossible to give any conclusive advice without knowing your original situation, but can I ask how is your day to day these days? What are your main concerns leading you to want to ctb? Is moving at all possible in your future? Are you 100% decided on ctb or is there still a part of you, even tiny, that wants to try living?

For me, as trivial as it is, my reason is financial. I think I could live with depression & mental issues for the rest of my predicted lifespan, but depression + shitty circumstances is a big nono. But what I've decided for now is, there is still time to try. Though I hate my therapist and there is looming debt in my near future, I've yet to exhaust all of my options. After that, then, if my circumstances are still shitty, there is a good chance I CTB.

Oddly enough, wanting to ctb has made enjoy some things more. Like I won't feel as bad eating extra calories or buying something that will make me smile, even temporarily because there's a good chance I won't even make it that far.

I am over 70 years old and severely disabled with multiple disabilities and painful health issues. I am losing my hearing and eyesight. Have already lost all my teeth and most of my hair. Hair not a big deal though. Losing mental sharpness. Lost sex drive. Also have the financial issues. I have been disabled for 20 years and every year social security has screwed us on the cost of living adjustments. Government has unrealistic numbers that never reflect the actual impact of inflation. For example the last 2 years increases were 3.2 and 2.5 percent in years when actual inflation was double digits. My social security check is not enough to live on anywhere in America anymore. Add all that to the fact that I haven't seen anything remotely close to adequate health care in nearly a decade. I should have already died. Oh wait a second. I actually did in March. I actually should have way before then really. Those are the real reasons I ended my life and they locked me in a mental health facility and none of those things are mental health issues. Not every suicide is a mental health issue. Many are not. Everything about the mental health facility I was locked down in is bad for anyone's mental health. I believe intentionally. From the drugs they force on you to them not allowing you proper grooming and hygiene to ignoring physical health issues and being locked in. Mental health industry in America is beyond a scam! I'm rambling on too long now but I have just scratched the surface of how bad this place is.