Venting I think I got sa'ed

[cut.isnt.my.name]

this happened a little over a month ago. honestly I just want to get it out so that it will maybe stop clouding my mind.
TW: alcohol, SA?, nsfw?

it was a sunday. there was a event and everyone was dressed up in costumes. as a little explanation its kind of like carnival. its mainly for the kids. but teens and adults get drunk after the kids part. I was wasted pretty early into the evening. drinks were either free or paid for me. I was with my best friend. we decided to go to a near by bar. on the way there we saw a guy on the street and i started talking to him because he was also dressed up. i can't remember his face. we arrived at the bar and my best friends boyfriend met us there. we got in and pretty soon my friends boyfriend wanted to leave. my friend urged me to leave too. me in my drunk state who btw just got offered a free drink by this random guy I talked to before, didnt want to leave. so she left. a girl i was acquaintanced with but didnt really knew asked me to accompany her to the bathroom so i did. when i got back that guy handed me the drink. (tbh i have no idea if he put anything in there) I can barely remember what happened next. Suddenly me and this guy were walking somewhere. i think it was slightly raining. another blank. and then we were walking down the stairs into a basement. we were making out. another blank. suddenly we were somewhere upstairs, i know this because i remember looking out a window and being 2-3 stories up. we kept making out. he kept mentioning how young i was. he took off my clothes. he touched me. with his fingers. with his mouth. i think i consented in the moment? I can't remember. I just remember repeatedly mentioning that I had to go home. I went home in the night. no idea how i found to the train station. i woke up the next day and went on as usual but i wasnt acting like usual. i went home early. i sobbed the rest of the day. the next three days were filled with tears.
i told a close friend of mine and his response was just that now i knew to not drink as much.
almost as if it was my fault.
was it my fault?
I guess i gave consent in the moment but i still felt, feel so violated. i kinda started crying again while writing this.

 

[yotaka]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. For what my take is worth, you are not to blame AT ALL. You can only give consent when you're in a state of thinking clearly, which you obviously weren't. Do you know what kind of resources are available to sa survivors in your area?

 

[Quietist]

You can't give full consent when you're literally missing time and blacking out thinking you're upstairs one moment, and in a basement the next.

Even if you may have "wanted" it in a fleeting moment of desire, there's no way you were operating from full conscious logical decision-making.

It's not your fault that you were assaulted, but it is your responsibility to maintain awareness of situations and try to make the best choices for your highest good.

 

[cut.isnt.my.name]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. For what my take is worth, you are not to blame AT ALL. You can only give consent when you're in a state of thinking clearly, which you obviously weren't. Do you know what kind of resources are available to sa survivors in your area?

tbh no. but you're right maybe i should check out if something is available or at least speak to a qualified person

It's not your fault that you were assaulted, but it is your responsibility to maintain awareness of situations and try to make the best choices for your highest good.

thank you. i like the way you worded that and it makes sense to me. I'm gonna assume my friend meant it in this way too but didnt exactly word it right.

 

[Seneca65AD]

No - it is not your fault. You were the victim of a sexual assault. Full Stop. (assuming North American and European jurisdictions).

To give consent, you must have the capacity to give consent. The question becomes whether your intoxication rose to the level of "incapacity" - which in law is treated the same as being unconscious - i.e. not able to give consent. If you can't remember giving consent, that is probably a good indication that you could not....but that would be tricky from a crimiinal law perspective. For example, the Minnesota Court of Appeal's, overturned a conviction because the woman was "voluntarily drunk" during the time of the assault. Fortunately, other cases in the US and Canada have really limited that decision (especially since around 50% of SA's have some alcohol involvement).

From a legal perspective, once you said you wanted to go home, then you withdrew your consent and the other person should have stopped. Words or actions that can be reasonably interpreted as withdrawing consent are sufficient - you don't need to utter "I hereby withdraw my previous given consent for sexual contact".

It would be a difficult case to push criminally unless the guy has a history of doing this type of assault and several others came forward. From a civil perspective, it would be much easier but still not a slam-dunk (again, depending on jurisdiction).

At the very least, speak with a counsellor and get some therapy. Then consider at least reporting it to the police - I doubt they would prosecute but at least you would have given them the guy's name just in case this is a pattern. But remember, this is not your fault - yes, you got drunk, and it may not have been a wise decision in the first place but there is no "free pass" for assaulting someone who is drunk, or wearing skimpy clothing, or initially consenting but then withdrawing that consent.

Speak to a a professional and try to heal the best you can.

Edit: I dug out some points from one of my old memos - this may shed some light on "incapacitation".....

Observable signs of incapacitation often include:
​

• A lack of control over physical movements, such as stumbling or swaying
• An inability to walk without assistance
• Slurred speech or an inability to communicate coherently
• Confusion about one's surroundings
• Vomiting

A person who is asleep, unconscious, or experiencing memory loss (a blackout) is considered incapacitated.

​

 

[SASU-KE]

This is such a hard thing to be able to get over. I don't know how someone can take so much from another person just for the sake of pleasure. I hope you are able to heal from this soon.Goes without saying that it wasn't your fault.

 

[cut.isnt.my.name]

No - it is not your fault. You were the victim of a sexual assault. Full Stop. (assuming North American and European jurisdictions).

To give consent, you must have the capacity to give consent. The question becomes whether your intoxication rose to the level of "incapacity" - which in law is treated the same as being unconscious - i.e. not able to give consent. If you can't remember giving consent, that is probably a good indication that you could not....but that would be tricky from a crimiinal law perspective. For example, the Minnesota Court of Appeal's, overturned a conviction because the woman was "voluntarily drunk" during the time of the assault. Fortunately, other cases in the US and Canada have really limited that decision (especially since around 50% of SA's have some alcohol involvement).

From a legal perspective, once you said you wanted to go home, then you withdrew your consent and the other person should have stopped. Words or actions that can be reasonably interpreted as withdrawing consent are sufficient - you don't need to utter "I hereby withdraw my previous given consent for sexual contact".

It would be a difficult case to push criminally unless the guy has a history of doing this type of assault and several others came forward. From a civil perspective, it would be much easier but still not a slam-dunk (again, depending on jurisdiction).

At the very least, speak with a counsellor and get some therapy. Then consider at least reporting it to the police - I doubt they would prosecute but at least you would have given them the guy's name just in case this is a pattern. But remember, this is not your fault - yes, you got drunk, and it may not have been a wise decision in the first place but there is no "free pass" for assaulting someone who is drunk, or wearing skimpy clothing, or initially consenting but then withdrawing that consent.

Speak to a a professional and try to heal the best you can.

Edit: I dug out some points from one of my old memos - this may shed some light on "incapacitation".....

Observable signs of incapacitation often include:
​

• A lack of control over physical movements, such as stumbling or swaying
• An inability to walk without assistance
• Slurred speech or an inability to communicate coherently
• Confusion about one's surroundings
• Vomiting

A person who is asleep, unconscious, or experiencing memory loss (a blackout) is considered incapacitated.

​

wow, truly thank you for giving such an in depth answer and taking the time to write it. it means a lot tome and makes me feel seen and heard.

i sadly think going to the police under my circumstances wouldn't do much for my case and rather even shed a bad light on myself. i will look into giving an anonymous tip though. if he ever does something again to someone else, hopefully that might help them.
I will get in touch with a professional asap.

Thanks again for the reply. i appreciate it