i still have my sn that i bought last year. i did have an account from last year but i deleted it because things were getting better for a while and i really thought my life had changed. i started uni and made friends instantly and finally had a friend group and became extroverted but things were obviously still hard. i wasn't excited going into uni because i was extremely suicidal and i was planning on ctb on december 20th last year but i couldn't go through with it. i still haven't found any luck with relationships or crushes because i'm always too much for everyone and too mentally ill. when things were getting better i imagined throwing my sn away because i thought my life had changed forever. but i kept it just in case things go wrong. i think about it every now and then. i was lucky to get it when i did because idek how i could get it now in the uk. i think i have two or three years left until it expires(?) but the thought of actually attempting suicide makes me scared now. it always did but now all i can do is think about it instead of actually making plans. i don't think anyone will care if i die tho. being murdered would probably be better at least people won't make fun of me for that cos it won't be my fault. but i want to control my own death so i can control how people find out. idek what to do anymore. i have good days and i'm optimistic about a lot of things but not when it comes to someone loving me. i don't think i can ever trust any man that tells me he likes me again. it's never true. and there's nothing to like about me anyway. i don't want to be idealised. i can't even imagine being in a relationship with a real person anymore because i can't imagine anyone ever loving me or me loving someone in an actual healthy way
