Venting I self-harmed again

[rotten_hrtz]

It had been exactly 41 days since I last did it. I was supposed to have the courage to stop hurting myself, but I see now that I can't. I feel so empty and depressed.

A few days ago I heard my younger sister talking on the phone with my dad and I even felt like I missed him a lot even though he had hurt me, I suppose that's why I hurt myself, since it frustrates me that I can never truly hate the people who hurt me.

I know I have a lot of love to give, but it simply angers me how I always forgive. My dad doesn't deserve even a shred of affection, and yet I still feel affection for him, I've never felt so depressed as I do today, and I feel like nothing is getting better in my life

Everyone says I'm young and I'll surely get through this "stage," but I don't think I can. I don't want to suffer anymore, and I'm tired of pretending I'm recovering.

I'd like to end all this, but I'm a coward and I'm afraid I'll probably regret it when it's too late (I don't know if that makes sense) I tried everything to avoid thinking about my pain: I exercised, I distanced myself a bit from the forum, I tried not to listen to sad music and I even avoided certain topics of conversation, but I'm still depressed.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I think I'll just keep pretending that everything is great and that my mental health isn't declining again.

 

[Wolff603]

" I can never truly hate the people who hurt me."
"But it simply angers me how I always forgive. My dad doesn't deserve even a shred of affection"
"I'm tired of pretending I'm recovering."


In every single way I relate to you, even in the fact that today sits as one of the worst days. Wanting to show affection is sadly part of brain chemistry linked to parents; it's like fighting anesthesia, you'll postpone it and make it work less, but it won't fully disappear. One of the only ways I found to fix that is to try to fill the gap of the parent. You stated that you missed him despite the misery he gave you, which means a part of the puzzle is missing. I hope for the absolute best for you bro. I see myself in you.