dragonofenvy
Wizard
- Oct 8, 2023
- 688
This isn't to say I don't have friends. I do, but they don't feel like friends. They only time they talk to me is when they're bored and want to play a video game, and even then it's only when I initiate it first. That's it. They don't talk to me because they like having conversations with me. They never reach out to me to do anything. Everything feels one-sided. I have a friend group that makes me feel like I'm alone. I don't know if I wish they'd just cut me off or not either, because then at least I wouldn't feel the envy and resentment I have towards them.
I think about it a lot. I only ever exchange a couple words here and there per week. I get excited when I see one of the few notifications on my phone per week, only to realize it's just bills being paid, or a modding discord server I'm in making an update announcement. When I was in school I used to count how many words I exchanged with others per day. Unfortunately, I had to start counting per week. 9 per week if you were wondering.
So when I hear them talking about hanging out with friends, going on trips to Disney World with 20 people, going to amusement parks, going on dates, going to parties, or even just sitting in a call together and talking, I can't help but feel resentment towards them, and hatred to myself for being unable to be like them. They talk about it so casually, the thing that I dream about, having real friends, feeling like someone genuinely cares about me, and being liked enough that someone wants to be around me. For them it's so normal as to be mundane. Meanwhile, I lay awake at night mired in depressive thoughts about how alone I was in my childhood, and now my adulthood, while having to listen to people I know talk about how overwhelming it is to try to keep up with how many things they do with people they love.
Most frustrating to me, is how I'm bullied constantly for not having friends. For being the loner loser who can't get their life together. Funny how the people who claim that we have a mental health crisis in the west, and that people need to be more empathetic and caring for one another, seem to have no qualms doing the opposite with me. Why? Because they can get away with it. I can't push back because they can simply cut me off and move onto other friend groups. Whenever there's a conflict I do my best to try to resolve it, capitulating even if I think I don't think it's right for me to do so. I've done this so many times, tried to be nice, and admitted wrongdoing when I fucked up. Yet I'm still punished for it. For some reason nothing I do is reciprocated, and I have to sit there and have them remind me how I'll never be like them. I'll always be the friendless loser.
I know that it is at least partially my fault. When it comes to relationships, I am the common denominator, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Now, even if I'm presented with the opportunity I don't think I'll take it. I'm so used to things going badly, to fucking something up, that it's easier to protect myself rather than feel the pain I'm so used to feeling. Yet still I sit at night feeling a longing for connection, and resentment for those who have it.
I want to do something about it. I want to fix it. I know I'll never get my childhood back, but I don't want to spend my entire adulthood alone as well. I'm just so tired of this. Every single day it's the same, but I don't know what to do. I've spent my whole life alone that I'm convinced that this is how it's meant to me. I'm nothing more than a punching bag for people who are successful. I've exhausted every option I could think of and what people have told me. There's only one option left, and I'm too much of a pussy to take it.
I think about it a lot. I only ever exchange a couple words here and there per week. I get excited when I see one of the few notifications on my phone per week, only to realize it's just bills being paid, or a modding discord server I'm in making an update announcement. When I was in school I used to count how many words I exchanged with others per day. Unfortunately, I had to start counting per week. 9 per week if you were wondering.
So when I hear them talking about hanging out with friends, going on trips to Disney World with 20 people, going to amusement parks, going on dates, going to parties, or even just sitting in a call together and talking, I can't help but feel resentment towards them, and hatred to myself for being unable to be like them. They talk about it so casually, the thing that I dream about, having real friends, feeling like someone genuinely cares about me, and being liked enough that someone wants to be around me. For them it's so normal as to be mundane. Meanwhile, I lay awake at night mired in depressive thoughts about how alone I was in my childhood, and now my adulthood, while having to listen to people I know talk about how overwhelming it is to try to keep up with how many things they do with people they love.
Most frustrating to me, is how I'm bullied constantly for not having friends. For being the loner loser who can't get their life together. Funny how the people who claim that we have a mental health crisis in the west, and that people need to be more empathetic and caring for one another, seem to have no qualms doing the opposite with me. Why? Because they can get away with it. I can't push back because they can simply cut me off and move onto other friend groups. Whenever there's a conflict I do my best to try to resolve it, capitulating even if I think I don't think it's right for me to do so. I've done this so many times, tried to be nice, and admitted wrongdoing when I fucked up. Yet I'm still punished for it. For some reason nothing I do is reciprocated, and I have to sit there and have them remind me how I'll never be like them. I'll always be the friendless loser.
I know that it is at least partially my fault. When it comes to relationships, I am the common denominator, but I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Now, even if I'm presented with the opportunity I don't think I'll take it. I'm so used to things going badly, to fucking something up, that it's easier to protect myself rather than feel the pain I'm so used to feeling. Yet still I sit at night feeling a longing for connection, and resentment for those who have it.
I want to do something about it. I want to fix it. I know I'll never get my childhood back, but I don't want to spend my entire adulthood alone as well. I'm just so tired of this. Every single day it's the same, but I don't know what to do. I've spent my whole life alone that I'm convinced that this is how it's meant to me. I'm nothing more than a punching bag for people who are successful. I've exhausted every option I could think of and what people have told me. There's only one option left, and I'm too much of a pussy to take it.
