Hi. I'm sorry if my english is not perfect as it's not my native language. I don't really know why I'm writing this for the moment, maybe I just wanna vent, maybe I search for answers, but at the end of the day I write it to ease my mind.
I'm 25, and i went through a lot of traumas in life such as SA, psychological abuse, the loss of my father at a young age, emotionnal negligence from family, relationships, frienships, and even school back then, that I can't feel like I can recover from anymore as it's just simply too much for me to handle and it had been for probably 3 to 4 years now.
I went for professional help for a time these last couple of years, and as I am from a country where mental health is not a thing that is well received and recognized in the society with poor structural and human ressources it was a hard and painful step that i finaly got the courage to take at some point. I only got clinical depression diagnosed even though people I know that study in the psychological field told me a LOT of times that I have BPD and CPTSD traits, things that I was never able to get diagnosed with profesionnal help (maybe my fault in some ways, I couldn't engage with a psychiatrist for more than 6 months and it needs time to be diagnosed). And it always ended up like this as a cycle : I reach for professional help, after some sessions I get prescribed medicines, months passes and even though it numbs the pain as soon as something traumatic/way too heavy to handle happens it leads me to take all my pills in hope that I will die. It happened 2 times these last couple of years and every time I got saved by family and friends somehow.
At the end of the day professionnal help didn't help me at all, it even made things worse by destroying my body with pills that had a lot of side effects, I was about to be forced to go to a psychiatrist hospital but they couldn't as I refused until the end (I know that it wouldn't help me anyway).
My question is pretty simple, is it worth to give a CTB a try again and how would be the right way to do it as I don't wanna be saved anymore? Or what should I do in my situation because the pain is getting harder and harder to handle and I'm coming to the point where I don't have the energy to keep being alive anymore.
My support system is a bit chaotic too, all my closest friends all flew away to study overseas, my mother is getting older and even though she started understanding me these last 2 years I feel like she's lost with how to help me and it makes things even worse as to be honest with you she the main reason why I was neglected when I was a kid (but I forgave her, she was dealing with so much shit too), my actual partner is someone that I beg not to leave and I feel like I can't rely on her anymore as anything that would be too heavy for her will make her go away again (She left me again right when I was writing this (it took me 2 days) BTW but I'll keep it as it is for full context).
I don't fear death, I fear pain to be fully honest that's why everytime i went with OD.
Thanks.
I'm 25, and i went through a lot of traumas in life such as SA, psychological abuse, the loss of my father at a young age, emotionnal negligence from family, relationships, frienships, and even school back then, that I can't feel like I can recover from anymore as it's just simply too much for me to handle and it had been for probably 3 to 4 years now.
I went for professional help for a time these last couple of years, and as I am from a country where mental health is not a thing that is well received and recognized in the society with poor structural and human ressources it was a hard and painful step that i finaly got the courage to take at some point. I only got clinical depression diagnosed even though people I know that study in the psychological field told me a LOT of times that I have BPD and CPTSD traits, things that I was never able to get diagnosed with profesionnal help (maybe my fault in some ways, I couldn't engage with a psychiatrist for more than 6 months and it needs time to be diagnosed). And it always ended up like this as a cycle : I reach for professional help, after some sessions I get prescribed medicines, months passes and even though it numbs the pain as soon as something traumatic/way too heavy to handle happens it leads me to take all my pills in hope that I will die. It happened 2 times these last couple of years and every time I got saved by family and friends somehow.
At the end of the day professionnal help didn't help me at all, it even made things worse by destroying my body with pills that had a lot of side effects, I was about to be forced to go to a psychiatrist hospital but they couldn't as I refused until the end (I know that it wouldn't help me anyway).
My question is pretty simple, is it worth to give a CTB a try again and how would be the right way to do it as I don't wanna be saved anymore? Or what should I do in my situation because the pain is getting harder and harder to handle and I'm coming to the point where I don't have the energy to keep being alive anymore.
My support system is a bit chaotic too, all my closest friends all flew away to study overseas, my mother is getting older and even though she started understanding me these last 2 years I feel like she's lost with how to help me and it makes things even worse as to be honest with you she the main reason why I was neglected when I was a kid (but I forgave her, she was dealing with so much shit too), my actual partner is someone that I beg not to leave and I feel like I can't rely on her anymore as anything that would be too heavy for her will make her go away again (She left me again right when I was writing this (it took me 2 days) BTW but I'll keep it as it is for full context).
I don't fear death, I fear pain to be fully honest that's why everytime i went with OD.
Thanks.
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