I pussied out and am looking for advice

[jakerjays]

Obviously, I survived. I'm incredibly ashamed once more, but trying to remain open and honest.

There's a lot to say about what happened, but also not much happened at all. In short, I'm actually quite proud of what happened and every time I attempt I get a little closer.

Everything went pretty perfectly, actually. I was at the tracks by 7.15pm with 12-15 shots down the hatch and the train due at 8. I recorded a 10 minute video about how I was feeling and why I was going to CTB and I left my bag by the beach and walked to the tracks.
A lot of people were worried about me being seen by the operator before being struck, and hopefully this image illustrates well that there was no chance of me being seen (if the image file works). Essentially, its pretty fucking dark and there are no lampposts as the train approaches the corrner where I was. There are also no cameras!

My plan was to stand or sit, but somehow I actually ended up laying down? 10 minutes before the train was due, my legs were a bit wobbly, so I sat down and eventually laid my neck on the tracks but it was super uncomfy lmao. So, I settled on this 'draw me like one of your french girls' pose where I was laying on my side, facing away from the direction of the train with my waist rested on the rail (I actually have decent bruising from this position as the rocks under the tracks were digging into my hip). I laid there for about 2 minutes before getting up at 7.56.
I genuinely do think that I could've laid there until the train came which is why I don't feel terribly. It's given me more confidence for my next try.
Each attempt just works to dull down my SIs a little more each time.

I'm mainly confused because what I felt wasn't something I thought would come up, but I guess in a way my brain was just desperately pulling at straws to get me to stop.
I was really scared of what would happen after I died, eventhough I've always felt a lot of peace with that because I believe in reincarnation and 'second chances', but I just couldn't stopthinking about what would happen.
The good thing about this is that it's something I can easily work on to change. Last time my only thought was my mum and thinking about her made me pull out (a lot earlier than I did this time, I didn't even make it onto the tracks close to the arrival time last time) and I can't change the way my mum will feel about my death, so this is at least an improvement.

I do feel quite traumatised by this attempt, to be vulnerable. It was pitch black and freezing and I honestly can't shake the picture of staring forwards while my body was over the rail. I'm also really ashamed. It's hard for me to make this post, but I had quite an awkward situation in regards to my previous attempt where I disappeared from the internet for 20 days post attempt and everybody had spread misinfomation about ways in which my death had been 'confirmed' and it made me feel really terrible, so I'm not letting that happen again.
I feel much more terrible than I did before and I understand now why my last two previous attempts were in such close proximity. Although I'm more confident in my next attempt, I still feel really trapped and disappointed in myself. I think I've enterred another depressive episode and everything feels even less worth it than before. I feel like I should be dead.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to target feelings about what will happen after death? I genuinely think that sudden fear was just a desperate (and successful) attempt by my SI's to get me to get up, but I still feel like it's something I should think about.

I'm kind of just struggling with... what now? Life just goes on as normal and I'm just supposed to... go with it?
I am going to try again, this month or next, and I'm very confident that the next will be my last. I'll go for the same position again. My waist is about 30-35cm in width and therefore, if on my side, the train would have to suck in and crush that height, which I'm assuming is possible because my clothes should get caught. I know it would make more sense to lay on my back or belly to decrease the height of my body on the rail but I don't want to.

I also just want to thank @_RustyLeaf321 , who left a really encouraging comment on my previous post reassuring me that survival is okay and that I should return if I don't end up dying. I really appreciate that.
I'd also appreciate if people could refrain from leaving comments about me backing out because I'm 'just not ready'. That doesn't make me feel better and I know that I am ready.

 

[LettinGooo]

I had my own failed attempt last Friday with Helium. Id mentally prepared myself dressed myself in my finest regalia (cringe but if I'm gonna be left haunting as a ghost I at least wanted to be dressed) and through a Yukata over me while stuffing my pockets with some silly objects like the pocket watch from Fullmetal Alchemist, some necklaces and bracelets from bands I love and two coins for Charons obel (gotta cover your bases yknow) but after passing out I woke up on the floor of my room having knocked over my computer chair and someone flipping a projector sitting on a light coffee table 180 degrees. So obviously after I passed out I was violently spasming (believe the helium was pure but yeah method probably isn't going to work out).

After waking up I was a complete mess, apologizing to God, my parents whoever for being such a coward but shortly after that I became detached from everything and stopped caring. That feeling lasted until maybe Tuesday this week and now I'm pretty much back to my "baseline"

I can't answer how you'll target how to confront feelings after death, from my own experience one moment I was passing out from the gas and the next I was on the floor disorientated and sobbing there was unfortunately nothing in between, no NDE, no flashbacks, no void just a complete break in consciousness and personally from this I don't think there's anything after. Assuming I survive another attempt I'll definitely update if I experience anything though.

Your own chosen method though, that honestly feels like it would take a lot more courage than hanging, SN ect. Having to remain there for 10 minutes even after preparing yourself to go takes so much courage. If I were in your position I don't think I'd been able to hold out for so long.

I'm sorry your ctb plans failed, I know how devastating in the moment it is.

 

[Galahad]

Obviously, I survived. I'm incredibly ashamed once more, but trying to remain open and honest.

There's a lot to say about what happened, but also not much happened at all. In short, I'm actually quite proud of what happened and every time I attempt I get a little closer.

Everything went pretty perfectly, actually. I was at the tracks by 7.15pm with 12-15 shots down the hatch and the train due at 8. I recorded a 10 minute video about how I was feeling and why I was going to CTB and I left my bag by the beach and walked to the tracks.
A lot of people were worried about me being seen by the operator before being struck, and hopefully this image illustrates well that there was no chance of me being seen (if the image file works). Essentially, its pretty fucking dark and there are no lampposts as the train approaches the corrner where I was. There are also no cameras!

My plan was to stand or sit, but somehow I actually ended up laying down? 10 minutes before the train was due, my legs were a bit wobbly, so I sat down and eventually laid my neck on the tracks but it was super uncomfy lmao. So, I settled on this 'draw me like one of your french girls' pose where I was laying on my side, facing away from the direction of the train with my waist rested on the rail (I actually have decent bruising from this position as the rocks under the tracks were digging into my hip). I laid there for about 2 minutes before getting up at 7.56.
I genuinely do think that I could've laid there until the train came which is why I don't feel terribly. It's given me more confidence for my next try.
Each attempt just works to dull down my SIs a little more each time.

I'm mainly confused because what I felt wasn't something I thought would come up, but I guess in a way my brain was just desperately pulling at straws to get me to stop.
I was really scared of what would happen after I died, eventhough I've always felt a lot of peace with that because I believe in reincarnation and 'second chances', but I just couldn't stopthinking about what would happen.
The good thing about this is that it's something I can easily work on to change. Last time my only thought was my mum and thinking about her made me pull out (a lot earlier than I did this time, I didn't even make it onto the tracks close to the arrival time last time) and I can't change the way my mum will feel about my death, so this is at least an improvement.

I do feel quite traumatised by this attempt, to be vulnerable. It was pitch black and freezing and I honestly can't shake the picture of staring forwards while my body was over the rail. I'm also really ashamed. It's hard for me to make this post, but I had quite an awkward situation in regards to my previous attempt where I disappeared from the internet for 20 days post attempt and everybody had spread misinfomation about ways in which my death had been 'confirmed' and it made me feel really terrible, so I'm not letting that happen again.
I feel much more terrible than I did before and I understand now why my last two previous attempts were in such close proximity. Although I'm more confident in my next attempt, I still feel really trapped and disappointed in myself. I think I've enterred another depressive episode and everything feels even less worth it than before. I feel like I should be dead.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to target feelings about what will happen after death? I genuinely think that sudden fear was just a desperate (and successful) attempt by my SI's to get me to get up, but I still feel like it's something I should think about.

I'm kind of just struggling with... what now? Life just goes on as normal and I'm just supposed to... go with it?
I am going to try again, this month or next, and I'm very confident that the next will be my last. I'll go for the same position again. My waist is about 30-35cm in width and therefore, if on my side, the train would have to suck in and crush that height, which I'm assuming is possible because my clothes should get caught. I know it would make more sense to lay on my back or belly to decrease the height of my body on the rail but I don't want to.

I also just want to thank @_RustyLeaf321 , who left a really encouraging comment on my previous post reassuring me that survival is okay and that I should return if I don't end up dying. I really appreciate that.
I'd also appreciate if people could refrain from leaving comments about me backing out because I'm 'just not ready'. That doesn't make me feel better and I know that I am ready.

I just want to say you should never feel ashamed. Thank goodness you've come back to people who will comfort you.

It wasn't meant to be your time, it's that simple.

When the time is right you'll know

Much love, stay strong

 

[jakerjays]

I had my own failed attempt last Friday with Helium. Id mentally prepared myself dressed myself in my finest regalia (cringe but if I'm gonna be left haunting as a ghost I at least wanted to be dressed) and through a Yukata over me while stuffing my pockets with some silly objects like the pocket watch from Fullmetal Alchemist, some necklaces and bracelets from bands I love and two coins for Charons obel (gotta cover your bases yknow) but after passing out I woke up on the floor of my room having knocked over my computer chair and someone flipping a projector sitting on a light coffee table 180 degrees. So obviously after I passed out I was violently spasming (believe the helium was pure but yeah method probably isn't going to work out).

After waking up I was a complete mess, apologizing to God, my parents whoever for being such a coward but shortly after that I became detached from everything and stopped caring. That feeling lasted until maybe Tuesday this week and now I'm pretty much back to my "baseline"

I can't answer how you'll target how to confront feelings after death, from my own experience one moment I was passing out from the gas and the next I was on the floor disorientated and sobbing there was unfortunately nothing in between, no NDE, no flashbacks, no void just a complete break in consciousness and personally from this I don't think there's anything after. Assuming I survive another attempt I'll definitely update if I experience anything though.

Your own chosen method though, that honestly feels like it would take a lot more courage than hanging, SN ect. Having to remain there for 10 minutes even after preparing yourself to go takes so much courage. If I were in your position I don't think I'd been able to hold out for so long.

I'm sorry your ctb plans failed, I know how devastating in the moment it is.

I've heard a lot about people saying that they kind of just... experienced nothing and honestly, thats okay too. Existing is tiring and anything other than being alive in my current conciousness is an improvement. I'm really sorry you survived, the moments after really are devastating. I actually recorded a video from the moment I got off the tracks that I don't think I'll ever be able to watch back.

I think next time I'll probably wait until around two minutes before the trains arrival to lay down. I was suprised by my sheer capability to lay down in the first place that I wasn't really thinking. Back in July, I had to abandon that position previously (begrugingly, because I know it would be the most likely fatal) because I couldn't get my body to do it. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the fact these last two months have really worn me down. Either way, I am impressed, I guess. I laid there for around 5 minutes.

I just have to quiet my mind next time. I have to focus on my own needs and not whatever doubt my brain springs upon me. I just kept thinking, 'all you have to do is lay there, you don't have to do anything, just lay there and don't get up' but I couldn't focus because the doubt I had wasn't about something that I expected, if that makes sense? I've never feared death itself before.

Also, I also had some silly items with me :) I had some of my favourite comics and some sonic figures in my backpack.

I just want to say you should never feel ashamed. Thank goodness you've come back to people who will comfort you.

It wasn't meant to be your time, it's that simple.

When the time is right you'll know

Much love, stay strong

I'm incredibly grateful. I made a post, since deleted, begging for people to call or message me immediately after I ran off of the tracks and the people here came to help me. I can't be more grateful. I haven't got anybody elses support in regards to my mental health and I don't have anybody who I can open up to about these attempts, so this forum is very important to me.
Thank you for your comment, I really do appreciate it.