Synfrome
"normal" "well-adjusted" member of society
- Apr 18, 2023
- 13
I stopped posting on here for a while because I found out my best friend of 9 years tried to kill himself via overdose. I'd had people attempt on me before, but never this close to home. I visited him in the "recovery house" the hospital put him in. It'd been the first time I'd seen him in months. I just hugged and cried as he kept telling me he was sorry. I've never felt so powerless in my life.
Even though that put me in an awful state, up until this point I couldn't bring myself to post on here, not after that. But things have gotten so bad and I have no where else to go. Awful things keep happening to me and the people I love - my friend's mother died, my other friend was assaulted by her flatmate, and the list goes on. Another one of my friends (my ex girlfriend) ended up in A&E after I told her I saw her as just a friend. She told me not to blame myself but how can't I? My words were obviously one of the straws that broke the camel's back. I'm part of the reason she had a mental breakdown so bad she had to go to a crisis centre. I've been horrible to her, always avoidant, always ticked off at the slightest thing she's said and done. The way she depends on me is not ideal but I've pushed her away at every opportunity just because I lack the self control to rangle the worm in my head that says she wants to hurt me. I've always been this avoidant/anxious monster who can't form stable relationships with people. I just hurt and hurt and hurt. My other friend told me today that they think I'm a nice person and I wish I could believe it. I don't feel human, just a selfish and wretched creature. Something where if you get too near it'll bite you but then when you try and leave it will cling to you and beg you not to go. I've been in counselling for almost five years and nothing's worked.
I would say that the people around me would be better off if I was dead, but that's not the real reason I've ever wanted to die. I know deep down that I'm doomed to a life of loneliness because of my attachment issues as there's never been a scenario where I've been strong enough to fight the urge to run away. All I ever do is run, not matter how firmly and consistently I try and plant my feet on the ground. I can't keep up with my assignments, my cleaning, my meals, my social life or anything important. I feel like I just look incompetent to my work placement colleagues, to my lecturers, to anyone who's ever put any expectations on me I haven't met. Ever since I went into secondary school I've been plagued with the knowledge that I was never the excelling student I was told I was when I was young. The best I can manage even now is moderately above average, but at my worst it barely gets done. I am not the person my parents and school thought I'd grow up to be and that thought has wracked me with guilt for almost a decade. I am an unmedicated mess of ADHD riddled with anxiety and socially stunted by autism. The other day I made a list of the people I'd like to become friends and how I would do it. That made me realise how fucking hopeless I truly am. Allistic people don't have to script this shit, they just make friends. I hate the way my disabilities and mental illness have ravaged my life and how them going ignored for most of it contributed to how dysfunctional I am today.
I'm worthless on this Earth, I may as well be gone. Even in my best moments I can't shake the feeling I've let everyone down by being the person that I am. The guilt, the pain, the anxiety. That's all my life is. If I slowly stopped talking to everyone I have a feeling no one would notice. I could disappear slowly and quietly, become a ghost among people. That's how I've spent most of my life, invisible to most. Always the last one to be considered, always overlooked, just because I was born with a socially-impeding condition that I never asked for.
I just hope that when I finally leave this Earth it doesn't hurt too much for the people who do care about me. I'll ask the universe if it can make it so no one has to cry.
Even though that put me in an awful state, up until this point I couldn't bring myself to post on here, not after that. But things have gotten so bad and I have no where else to go. Awful things keep happening to me and the people I love - my friend's mother died, my other friend was assaulted by her flatmate, and the list goes on. Another one of my friends (my ex girlfriend) ended up in A&E after I told her I saw her as just a friend. She told me not to blame myself but how can't I? My words were obviously one of the straws that broke the camel's back. I'm part of the reason she had a mental breakdown so bad she had to go to a crisis centre. I've been horrible to her, always avoidant, always ticked off at the slightest thing she's said and done. The way she depends on me is not ideal but I've pushed her away at every opportunity just because I lack the self control to rangle the worm in my head that says she wants to hurt me. I've always been this avoidant/anxious monster who can't form stable relationships with people. I just hurt and hurt and hurt. My other friend told me today that they think I'm a nice person and I wish I could believe it. I don't feel human, just a selfish and wretched creature. Something where if you get too near it'll bite you but then when you try and leave it will cling to you and beg you not to go. I've been in counselling for almost five years and nothing's worked.
I would say that the people around me would be better off if I was dead, but that's not the real reason I've ever wanted to die. I know deep down that I'm doomed to a life of loneliness because of my attachment issues as there's never been a scenario where I've been strong enough to fight the urge to run away. All I ever do is run, not matter how firmly and consistently I try and plant my feet on the ground. I can't keep up with my assignments, my cleaning, my meals, my social life or anything important. I feel like I just look incompetent to my work placement colleagues, to my lecturers, to anyone who's ever put any expectations on me I haven't met. Ever since I went into secondary school I've been plagued with the knowledge that I was never the excelling student I was told I was when I was young. The best I can manage even now is moderately above average, but at my worst it barely gets done. I am not the person my parents and school thought I'd grow up to be and that thought has wracked me with guilt for almost a decade. I am an unmedicated mess of ADHD riddled with anxiety and socially stunted by autism. The other day I made a list of the people I'd like to become friends and how I would do it. That made me realise how fucking hopeless I truly am. Allistic people don't have to script this shit, they just make friends. I hate the way my disabilities and mental illness have ravaged my life and how them going ignored for most of it contributed to how dysfunctional I am today.
I'm worthless on this Earth, I may as well be gone. Even in my best moments I can't shake the feeling I've let everyone down by being the person that I am. The guilt, the pain, the anxiety. That's all my life is. If I slowly stopped talking to everyone I have a feeling no one would notice. I could disappear slowly and quietly, become a ghost among people. That's how I've spent most of my life, invisible to most. Always the last one to be considered, always overlooked, just because I was born with a socially-impeding condition that I never asked for.
I just hope that when I finally leave this Earth it doesn't hurt too much for the people who do care about me. I'll ask the universe if it can make it so no one has to cry.
