Venting I lost my wife

[meowmeowwife]

my wife ctb and was on this site a lot. She would trigger herself and do research and eventually she lost her fight. It's been 46 days. at 2:24pm itll be 47 days. Her birthday is on friday. everything in me is telling me to run to her for her birthday, to visit her, to go be with her again. I'm still not sleeping right. I'm not eating. I'm barely working, I have no plans for the future. She was my everything. She was the heart outside my chest and it doesn't matter how many strands of her hair I find or how much of her clothing i bag because it still smells like her and I want to save it for as long as I can. it all just hurts. she never got rid of her pain, she gave it to me. and now I get it. now I get why she was on here. now I get why she did what she did. she was so upset with me for stopping her so many times. Maybe if I think of it right I can justify it to myself. she didn't even believe in an afterlife. But she promised me she would wait for me if there was one. but im just not sure anymore. If there is none, then she made this choice and chose to leave me forever. if there is one, I think of all the times when she attempted but took steps to try to align her death with the practices of my religion. Her family all say she loved me to the end, but I still love her. I can't wait. I can't do this without her. I don't know what to do. I'm just hoping something kills me. i wish this was all a horrific, awful nightmare. I wish I could wake back up 3 months ago and hard pivot into anything that she needed. I don't know what to do. I can't leave because I have pet rats and I don't know what will happen to them. but sometimes that voice gets pushed to the very very very back corner of my mind and stomped into a little box of nothingness. They're old, but they deserve good lives. I'm scared of so many things. I just want to be with my wife. I wish something would kill me. that would make her birthday lovely. I hope for her birthday I can give myself to her

 

[claracatchingthebus]

im so sorry for your loss

Im also partly on here after losing someone.

At 46 days, it's still too new to consider ending things from a place of clarity.

Find a grief group, please. There are ones specific for survivors of suicide.

The first 3 months for me were just being crazy with grief, next 3 were hell but less crazy. It was only month 8 at which I felt awful in a way that was painful but manageable. After a year or so, it's still terrible but slightly different.

At 46 days, you shouldn't be on this site. Nothing good will come of it. Not only will you not be able to make a clear choice but even the preparation will be a disorganized mess if you want to catch the bus. Please, get help, come back in many months if not a year only if you feel like it's not going to change. Do a grief group, get pills or see people who help with grief. You shouldn't make any major decisions in a state like this.

Have you gone to a grief group? Do you have a grief counselor? Can you afford counseling? This is not the time to make decisions on this.

There are also 24 hour hotlines for people. If you are not terrified of psychiatry and involuntary medication/hospitalization, and don't feel like involuntary hospitalization and associated charges would be bad, that's an option too... I am biased against psychiatry because of horrifyong experiences, but some people are helped by it possibly. I would be careful when talking with them however if you do not have someone to feed animals because if they involuntarily hospitalized you they probably wouldn't care if it killed the animals; my experience is they are not nice. Again, I am very biased against psychiatry. This concern is not about grief groups or a grief therpist/psychiatrist, but instead for suicide hotlines, which sometimes try to get people to involuntary care, regardless of circumstances. You should get a grief group and grief counselor.

If you have someone to take care of your animals and involuntary/voluntary inpatient care wont leave you destitute or worse off due to financial reasons, you could go into locked care and just be there for a month or so. It's an option.

 

[wine is fine but]

sorry for your loss too

this will seem impossible to make happen at present,
but you can almost be certain, that she would have wanted you to lead a long and happy life, even without her

as clara said, it is much too early to be thinking of trying to join her. this is not the right type of place to be at present. while there is nothing wrong with this place, someone in your position needs to grieve and not be in a place that has so many sad threads. your situation is already sad enough, and is more than enough to have to deal with at present

i obviously did not know her or you, but she most likely would have wanted you to stay strong. i would love to be able to tell you it gets easier straight away, but hopefully, you can do what is right for you, which probably means to stay strong and somehow live your best life. if in the future, you can be happy, please do not feel guilty. you deserve as much happiness as you are able to feel

sadly, you could not hard pivot into anything she needed. it seems you were everything she did need. if someone is going to take their own life, then there is nothing anyone else could have done to stop it. and for what it is worth, since you mentioned you wish you could have changed into what she needed, it seems to me, that you do not want to take such drastic action as to join her. no one can ever stop someone from leaving this world. at best, they can just delay the inevitable. i hope you can somehow get around or through this horrible and tragic situation and be able to one day smile again. your wife would have wanted that

 

[Zardoz]

I am truly sorry for your loss.
You must be in a terrible place yourself at the present time.

You mention you have religious faith, maybe you can draw some comfort from that?
(I used to be firmly on the atheist/agnostic persuasion, but lately I'm not so sure. I recently read "Journey of Souls" by Michael Newton. Quite eye-opening. There is a commonality that is not easily dismissed. It covers our soul life and spiritual existence between lives on Earth, and our connections to our eternal soulmates, amongst other topics. If it's true then all is will be well in the grand scheme of things, if not and it's simply a flight of fantasy and only one of many possibilities, then that's fine too. If this is unwarranted or inappropriate then I apologise and please ignore me / mods please delete this post).

Life can be so cruel.
Sincerely wishing you well.

 

[Elzar]

my wife ctb and was on this site a lot. She would trigger herself and do research and eventually she lost her fight. It's been 46 days. at 2:24pm itll be 47 days. Her birthday is on friday. everything in me is telling me to run to her for her birthday, to visit her, to go be with her again. I'm still not sleeping right. I'm not eating. I'm barely working, I have no plans for the future. She was my everything. She was the heart outside my chest and it doesn't matter how many strands of her hair I find or how much of her clothing i bag because it still smells like her and I want to save it for as long as I can. it all just hurts. she never got rid of her pain, she gave it to me. and now I get it. now I get why she was on here. now I get why she did what she did. she was so upset with me for stopping her so many times. Maybe if I think of it right I can justify it to myself. she didn't even believe in an afterlife. But she promised me she would wait for me if there was one. but im just not sure anymore. If there is none, then she made this choice and chose to leave me forever. if there is one, I think of all the times when she attempted but took steps to try to align her death with the practices of my religion. Her family all say she loved me to the end, but I still love her. I can't wait. I can't do this without her. I don't know what to do. I'm just hoping something kills me. i wish this was all a horrific, awful nightmare. I wish I could wake back up 3 months ago and hard pivot into anything that she needed. I don't know what to do. I can't leave because I have pet rats and I don't know what will happen to them. but sometimes that voice gets pushed to the very very very back corner of my mind and stomped into a little box of nothingness. They're old, but they deserve good lives. I'm scared of so many things. I just want to be with my wife. I wish something would kill me. that would make her birthday lovely. I hope for her birthday I can give myself to her

I find it touching that you're thinking of your rats. Try to give them a good life and after that decide.