I lost my friend

[Dante_]

Well, there's nowhere else I can be unfiltered about this so here goes...

I've been around sasu for a lot longer than my account let's on and in my time, I've seen a lot of users go, some of whom I'm very glad are still here..I know that is part of how things are on the forum but sometimes you get to part of someone's story, in a way, you don't expect at all.

Sadly, my friend @CocoToxBase left this world on August 9th which, earlier that afternoon, was our last conversation with each other but I had no idea that would be the last time, I only found out a week later on Friday thanks to another good friend of mine on here to which, at first, upon seeing the tribute page itself made me recoil in denial and continuous laughter, fighting back tears in disbelief that she's been gone for a week already until...it was confirmed, I even messaged her prior earlier that morning to see if she was there but the truth behind seeing a picture she sent me back in December on a hike with her close companion in her dog on the tribute page and personal social media just sent the worst waves of grief and shock I've ever felt upon realization.

Back to the meaning behind being part of someone's story, for just over a year, I was gifted the opportunity to be good friends with her, shared and saw a lot of her life through everything we spoke about even the some of the deepest thoughts no one in her real life was aware of such as her struggles of asking why it was worth it to contend living in a world like this when she knew a peaceful way out, which I agree with myself not knowing when my own time will come even though on a lot of days, i think it isn't far off anymore because since her ctb..things have become muted, darker and murkier than before and full of unknowns I wish I wouldn't have to experience when I look at the world and my own place in it, to be as honest as possible, I even contemplated following in her footsteps soon after which i suppose is part of the process of grief, in understanding that the loss I've incurred is deeply intertwined with the questions behind my own continued existence especially when i...i knew so much about her own struggles and attempts going back to even before she became a member of this great community and after her activity here ceased for a good while.

I guess its also because we shared a lot of commonality when it came to ctb in general even if our reasons were different. I cannot look anywhere else but blame the cruel and twisted nature of what occurred during her final days of which I know a great detail of, what pushed her to the edge, beyond the brink that ultimately led to deafening silence after her life faded.

I'm forever grateful, for the fact that, chance allowed us to be friends in the first place, to walk alongside her as she lived her life through the good and bad she shared with me, a closeness I never quite expected when we first met after she attempted last April after she posted about surviving her SN attempt.

She had a few attempts this year alone of which no one but i knew about since we were able to say goodbye each time she did, one in particular back in January she said "I hate that I'm still here" after she narrowly survived, looking back, i was fortunate it allowed her to be around for a bit longer, as selfish as that is when I was aware what she wanted in the end, but being shown someone's life from that lens introduced not just attachment but the desire to know where it went next, i hoped, would be something good.

While I've spent weeks away from here, navigating this loss as its hit harder on some days followed by numbness, stress, and a deep depression I'm still working through with the love and support that I have from others here i cherish and care about deeply but..between the random full-on breakdowns and indifference to the world around me, its led to a lot of questions, why did she have to go through all that she did just to arrive at a juncture where her life ended, why did the systems people hail as the solution fail her so horribly when they should have been better for those out there among us who've lived with pain and trauma yet how many more will tragically conclude the same way, why did those who knew her irl, mourning and recounting memories with her as I speak, fail to truly recognize the harm they should hold themselves responsible for, why did I have to watch her final days unfold like that...I hate that to such a depth i can't quantify.

The biggest questions left, for me, are why couldn't I be given the chance to say goodbye to her just as I did the other times, why did I have to find out a week later when her final breathe had long been taken, I'm still torn by that whenever my thoughts are still. This is no doubt, a loss like no other, I've changed in ways I cannot quite yet fully understand, not that I was a pro-lifer who believed and fervently defended that life was worth living before this, quite far from that but if anything, this has solidified so much for me.

I don't look at the world with the same extremely tiny bit of hope i had left reserved just in case I'd be proven wrong however in that, there are still people i care about, I want to hold a place in their lives until that inevitable time comes where all is lost to time and none of this is remembered fondly even if it feels like nothing but more despair, loss, heartache, disappointment and sadness is all that is left to live through especially when I look at how fast things are falling apart with the state of the world, with how many are barely able to survive, carrying the burdens that they do with no relief to be found.

I'll even say I'm a bit jealous she found her peace but I reject such a notion at the same time since it isn't fair as a measure, knowing how long she wanted to leave and why for so long even if she still had plans I wish she lived to experience which i will not hide is part of having wanted to see our friendship extended for a bit longer however in the face of it, when reaching a breaking point, whatever that could have prolonged reasons to live life doesn't matter, no matter the little moments of joy that lay ahead, none of it.

I have a quite a bit of resentment, anger, frustration and fear, all of which mixed together each take turns turns to remind of the gravity of this loss as each day passes, in the deep synopsis I've made for myself, messages i still leave for her and reflection in the form of writings I've composed, attempting to reach hopelessly for relief again and again and again and again, I've completely given up on this world, not the first time its been said here nor the last sadly as for many of you, life has been nothing but strife, witnesses to cruelty and suffering but seeing her life end the way it did, I think i can be forgiven for that. I truly have in a way that can't be fixed by adopting a new perspective or something else to try to live with this.

In the end, I'm left..wondering and dreading what is next as I resume my duty to this community, my part in that story is over and that book is closed but the memories, I still hold them closely, I learned so much from her, moments I will never ever lose touch with for as long as I find myself on this wretched planet until I leave it...just as we all will. Till then, i wish the world would show kindness perhaps, just once, to those i see pass through here.

Thank you for allowing me the space to get this out there but since I find myself where I am, there is no better place but here.

I felt it right to be open to this place, fitting i post this with her funeral later today.

 

[PI3.14]

I'm so sorry for your loss Dante. Your deep feeling speak for themselves, you were indeed a great friend of her.

It's a sad realty we live in, people here come and go, each carrying with them a story of pain and suffering that was so much for them to handle.

I don't know what to say, I feel a sadness whenever someone CTB. In one had, they're no longer in pain, but I still wish they were able to live a happy life instead where there dreams come true. Unfortunately though, life isn't fair, it's a cruel place, and luck plays a huge role in it.

You can take as much time off as you need Dante, don't force yourself to be here if you don't feel well.

I hope you get better soon.

 

[Upon a hanging Body]

I don't have the right words to make this less painful, but I want you to know I felt this one in my bones. I read your post and it landed the same way all those final messages from my friends and partners who died from suicide landed for me ... with that weird, hollow shock, the disbelief, and the kind of anger that tastes like grief.
Every single one of those deaths rewired me. We traded secrets, hard truths, and the kind of darkness most people don't see. I watched people I loved hurt and try to leave not just once but try and try again, and the memory of all that keeps living inside me ...a weight I carry every day.
...I've made two big attempts in recent months. Each time, there was a quiet part of me that felt closer to the peace your friend found ...and I'm honest enough to say it takes enormous willpower to keep going forward when all you want to do is die.
I guess what im saying is I know that kind of loss. I know the weird mix of guilt, anger, and relief that sits like a stone in your chest. I know what it's like to want to curl into silence and what it's like to stay because someone else needs you to. I'm struggling too .. not separate from you, but with you. I want you to know, I see her, I see you, and I recognize the depth of what you've lost.
I'll be here for you. If you want to rage, cry, replay memories, or just sit in silence with someone who knows how heavy this is ... I'll be here. We hold what we can hold for each other, even when the world is cruel and quiet. You're not alone in the dark. You have a whole community here that is with you in this and understand what this is all about.
You're an amazing friend and I appreciate all that you've done for me and I'm very sure that I'm not alone in saying this .
If you need to talk right now, send me a message. If you want someone to sit with the pain without fixing it, I can do that. Take whatever tiny steps you can today... even just letting someone else know you exist and you're hurting. I see you and I'm with you.

 

[iamanavalanche]

im so so sorry for your loss.
its heartbreaking to know that someone we held dearly to our heart suffered into ctb. i hope she has found peace in the afterlife with lots of warmth
i hope you know you are greatly cared about by me and a lot of others on this site ♡ take care of yourself through this grief and ill send pigeons to treat u with cakes and cookies ^_^
love u very much !! wish u well

 

[Aiyuxiao]

Im so sorry for your loss Dante :( She sounds like an amazing human being and friend. We're here for you! Sending you support and hugs

 

[nowherelilies]

dante :( you have always been warm and kind to everyone here, and i know she felt the same kindness too. i'm so sorry for your loss. may her soul rest in peace and warmth. take all the time you need, we'll be here.

 

[Dante_]

You can take as much time off as you need Dante, don't force yourself to be here if you don't feel well.

Thank you Pie, i know how much respect and appreciation we have for each other but im okay, just wrote this yesterday and decided to post it as soon as I could because I missed being here, im still not entirely okay but I'd rather be here, in the community I care about a lot, talking to people who understand better than many do out there so I'll be okay, changed but okay nevertheless.

im so so sorry for your loss.
its heartbreaking to know that someone we held dearly to our heart suffered into ctb. i hope she has found peace in the afterlife with lots of warmth
i hope you know you are greatly cared about by me and a lot of others on this site ♡ take care of yourself through this grief and ill send pigeons to treat u with cakes and cookies ^_^
love u very much !! wish u well

Ava, as always, I thank you. It definitely hasnt been easy, not one bit at all but im really glad to be here and decided to just get this out there as I wasn't sure if I should at first. Thank for the beautiful words and yeah, looking forward to the pigeons sent my way with cakes and cookies, haha.

dante :( you have always been warm and kind to everyone here, and i know she felt the same kindness too. i'm so sorry for your loss. may her soul rest in peace and warmth. take all the time you need, we'll be here.

Thank you, im grateful Im able to even speak about this here but I thought no place better than here, all the messages here have been nothing but the very best I could ask for.

 

[Edge_of_the_Grave]

She would have been happy to read this thread. Never let go of those memories... let them live forever within you.

 

[TBONTB]

I don't know you but I am sorry to hear about how much your friend meant to you and of the pain of their loss.

I hope the fact that you had that friendship can become a comfort in time, and hope you recover soon.

 

[Redleaf1992]

I'm really sorry Dante. I can't imagine how much pain you have been feeling recently, but your words have as beautifully as they can expressed it and your deep care for her.

Coco was a special person. Although I didn't get to know her on a level like you did, I was always amazed about the amount of shenanigans she got up to. Your words have clearly expressed how speacal she was for you, the world, and our other friends we knew who cared for her deeply- who now have sadly passed. She was clearly very special to be loved so much.

Goodbye Coco, I hope whatever is next has treated you better than this life. Though it's difficult now Dante I hope things improve for you soon.

 

[Obliviate]

I was wondering where you went. Completely understandable, take all the time you need to rightfully grieve. We'll be here. RIP to your friend.

 

[CatLvr]

I can't find anything to say that hasn't already been said. Except, while you may not know me well, I have followed you posts because I find you to be an exceptional young man. Your kindness and sensitivity is, as you are finding now, both a blessing and a curse. Your friend was of the same constitution -- her kindness and love for those around her, and sensitivity to the injustices of this world became more than she could carry.

There is no rhyme or reason as to why so many of us want to go on and haven't -- especially those of us who have multiple attempts. Like your friend. Hell, I'm an old woman and I haven't figured that out yet. All I can come up with is whether we like it or not, there are still lessons for us to learn. And lessons for us to teach others. We are all part of a much larger world than we can see right now. And we will all get back there -- to the peace. And the self-acceptance. And the unconditional love. But today may not be our day -- in fact, for most of us it is not. Because we still have "work" to do.

Those of us who are like you, and feel everything so much more intensely than others, ARE here as teachers. I believe, anyway. You already see what it important, even essential, to our being. And you shared that knowledge with your friend. She was grateful for your friendship. I can feel that. She loves you still and is at peace where she is now. Let that knowledge comfort you as you complete your journey here.

There are people here who love you. And believe in you and your ability to affect good in this world. Just like your friend. Remember the time you two had -- the laughs, the serious conversations about philosophy, the times when you were both the only thing the other had to hold on to. And then honor her by sharing that part of yourself with others -- like you have done here.

I cannot tell you she would not want you to be sad. In fact, I don't understand at all why people say that shit. That sadness is as much a way of honoring her as your joy at certain other memories. Don't let anyone take ANY of this experience from you. She may not be here with you physically, but her spirit is and she knows you hurt. And don't understand some things. But you will. Someday. You may never be okay -- but until your time you will have others who you are just as important to as you were to each other. Honor her by leaning on them.

 

[-Link-]

The biggest questions left, for me, are why couldn't I be given the chance to say goodbye to her just as I did the other times, why did I have to find out a week later when her final breathe had long been taken, I'm still torn by that whenever my thoughts are still.

Given the strength of the connection you're describing here, please be assured: You were there with her. In her own mind and in her own heart, you were there with her in those final moments. When you have a connection so strong, and through all the care and support you showed each other over time, there is no question about it: She will have heard your goodbye, even if you weren't able to literally say it.

The other side of this of course is that you weren't able to hear a goodbye from her. I'm not sure there's anything that can be said that would alleviate the hurt of not being able to hear from her one last time. In trying to come to terms with this, I think primarily you could look at her perspective and try to remember that when someone is in those final moments, the weight of their pain is just so unbearable and so overwhelming that it gets to a point where they're literally incapable of thinking in terms of leaving messages or closure.

But even though you didn't hear from her, know that she still had (and felt) all that mutual care and support in her that helped define your friendship. And know that in any connection of this strength, the "goodbye" (or the sentiment behind the "goodbye") is already a part of the very fabric of the relationship. That although the words went unspoken, the good feelings, gratitude, support, and care she had for you, were always there.

This is no doubt, a loss like no other, I've changed in ways I cannot quite yet fully understand

I know there are other members who have gone through (still going through) profound loss and grief for having lost friends here. When you're going through such darkness, some of the best support you'll ever find is in talking with other people who are dealing with the very same kind of darkness. I'd encourage you, if you can find some of these members and if you think it might help, reach out to one of them (or a few of them) and then maybe that could become a mutual support as you try to get through this.

I am sorry for your loss and am especially sorry that you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her.

I hope you can get to feeling something better, soon, and wish you as well as can be under the circumstances.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

@Dante_ you're an amazing friend, no matter where someone might be. I will always count myself as lucky to know and work with you. i've got your back til the curtain falls. you know the rest

to Coco, you are greatly missed esp by my best friend. I understand why you had to go no matter how much continued loss is painful. but I know you've found peace. may you continue to rest easy and keep close to our mutual friend, if you wouldn't mind. I wish I had gotten the luck to know you.

if anyone who wants to would like to light a candle, today would be a good day.

 

[Dante_]

Given the strength of the connection you're describing here, please be assured: You were there with her. In her own mind and in her own heart, you were there with her in those final moments. When you have a connection so strong, and through all the care and support you showed each other over time, there is no question about it: She will have heard your goodbye, even if you weren't able to literally say it.

The other side of this of course is that you weren't able to hear a goodbye from her. I'm not sure there's anything that can be said that would alleviate the hurt of not being able to hear from her one last time. In trying to come to terms with this, I think primarily you could look at her perspective and try to remember that when someone is in those final moments, the weight of their pain is just so unbearable and so overwhelming that it gets to a point where they're literally incapable of thinking in terms of leaving messages or closure.

But even though you didn't hear from her, know that she still had (and felt) all that mutual care and support in her that helped define your friendship. And know that in any connection of this strength, the "goodbye" (or the sentiment behind the "goodbye") is already a part of the very fabric of the relationship. That although the words went unspoken, the good feelings, gratitude, support, and care she had for you, were always there.


I know there are other members who have gone through (still going through) profound loss and grief for having lost friends here. When you're going through such darkness, some of the best support you'll ever find is in talking with other people who are dealing with the very same kind of darkness. I'd encourage you, if you can find some of these members and if you think it might help, reach out to one of them (or a few of them) and then maybe that could become a mutual support as you try to get through this.

I am sorry for your loss and am especially sorry that you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her.

I hope you can get to feeling something better, soon, and wish you as well as can be under the circumstances.

Link, I can't thank you enough for sharing that as its a perspective i never thought about it. When it comes to goodbyes, I guess we're used to them being a certain way, the type of action we only think about when moment comes but i really appreciate how you said she would have heard my goodbye even if i didn't literally say it like the times before that where it was communicated between us, I've come to terms with it a bit more even if it does come across my mind at times but she was already going through a lot she told me about during those last days so I do understand that the pain she experienced to arrive at that point was unbearable, in that, i accept that it would've been hard to leave behind messages of closure so for me, i hold nothing but love for her. There was just so much in her that was tired, tired of putting everyone first to make sure they were happy just as the world expects us to be sacrificial of ourselves in that effort.

There's literally no better community out there for me than here, im grateful to have an active role and the mutual support is better than anything I've ever witnessed in my own life, the entirety of it. This is such a difficult loss, its asked a lot of myself internally but talking about here helps me more than I thought since im usually reserved about things in general. Finally, I'd really like to thank you, what's been said here is what I will carry within my thoughts going forward.