Venting I just want to make my bestie happy

[livershapedbox]

My best friend has been depressed too since before we met, it was kind of the reason we got so close I think. She understands me so well and I feel like I don't have to hide anything from her, for some reason talking with her usually calms me down when I'm feeling very bad as well. We used to talk a lot everyday, I got so used to it that now that she's isolating it feels weird to not be able to talk much to her.

It was a bit more than 2 months ago when she started seeming a lot more depressed and getting more distant, and started talking about wanting to cbt a lot. I even got scared she had done it a few times because she'd go offline for days right after saying very suicidal stuff, I'm kind of used to her sometimes suddenly disappearing for days by now, so at least it doesn't scare me anymore.
She doesn't have other friends so this is isolation as a whole, I thought I might have just fucked up but she told me she's just depressed.

She seems to be feeling a bit later lately, and at least usually sends me a lot of messages in bulk once a day before isolating for the rest of the day, having conversations like that is difficult but it's better than before.
I feel selfish for not wanting her to isolate, I guess it's her own way of coping, but I don't think it's healthy and I miss having proper conversations a lot. I love her a lot and would do anything to make her happy, but I don't know what to try at this point, anything I say seems meaningless now.

The last big thing I tried was telling her we could live together someday, she often says she wishes I lived closer so I thought this could be a solution to make her happier (and I really wanted it for myself too, but that's kind of embarrassing to say). She told me she'd have jumped at the chance to be my roommate in the past, but after she got hurt a lot by people last year she's traumatized and struggles to trust anyone that much. I'll still be open to it if she ever heals or trusts me enough sometime in the future, but I guess I can't hope on that solution for sure now.

To be honest I have a huge crush on her, I never really asked her out because I don't think I could make her happy and she's probably straight anyway, but I did admit it a few months ago because I don't like hiding things from her. she told me there's nothing wrong with my feelings, and she had known for a while anyway and doesn't care. I don't know if it was appropriate to offer to be roommates given that, but she didn't mention it so I guess it's not weird.

Some things she has said make me suspect she might like me too, but I hate myself too much to allow myself to ask out someone as wonderful as her. Besides, she's a lot older than me (I'm 19, she's 42) and I wouldn't want her to get criticized by people for that

Anyways, I just want her to be happy, I don't think I'll ever be truly happy myself, but if I can make her happy as a friend that's enough to make living with all my pain worth it. Is that a weird way to feel? I don't know.

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

Its hard to help somebody so depressed i always try to get into my parents shoes and its so damm painful and i couldnt even imagine how much harder its for u. I think u are doing everything absolutly right it must feel bad to see her isolating and talk about CTB but its a choice she has to make u cant "fix" somebody it has to come from somebody themselfs. Dont feel selfish for caring about the person u care and not wanting her to isolate or to CTB its completly valid and it only shows how much u care for her and its not toxic to any degree just like for example jelousy in a relationships shows only that u care and love somebody. Like i said before there is nothing that could make her happier and no easy solution she has to make the choice herself what she wants going forward and all u can do is support her and be there for her no matter what. About the crush part i think its better to wait and see what she choses to do going forward dont "burden" her with your feeling in what might be the most important choice of her life, later on if she decides to live on and your contact resumes back to normal u can have this converstation. The age gap might seem "problematic" but u yourself know that u were not pressured or used in any capacity so all the talking people will do is just empty words from people who "care". so to TLDR it a bit all u can do is just wait for her to make the decision and if she chooses not to CTB u can have a talk about love. I wish u all the best and hope u can make your feelings of love towards her real. Much love and good luck