I'm so fucking sick of this, I want to ctb so bad but so far all i've looked into didn't work, i was supposed to be dead last sunday but the method i wanted to use wasn't going to work, I wrote all my suicide letters and i'm waiting to hear from a dealer i contacted to get me what i need to SN. he told me he has the prescriptions for the oxazepam and metoclopramide but im still waiting to hear from the sn (i couldn't find any so ive asked him). If this doesn't work out i won't have a reliable way to ctb and that's not good. ive got important exams comming soon and i need to die before that (ideally before next wednesday). I'm so sick of not being able to talk to anyone about this. I have good friends and a loving family but if i tell anyone they'll stop me (but everyone here knows the feeling lmao). I used to be an extremely calm person but now (i still never act out in public) i often feel the need to rip my skin off or beat someone to death with an iron bar. I can't imagine a single universe in which i can be happy, i've never had a partner, i've always been rejected, on top of that i learned that one of my closest friends was a victim of rape and this just makes me want to leave this fucked up world even more. I can't stand this fucking shit anymore and i need to ctb. also i don't know if this is anyone else's case but i've become apathetic. I know that if i kill myself it will destroy my family, my previously mentionned friend will kill herself as well even though she has everything to succeed and be happy in life, and i still don't have any regrets. I am uncapable of crying more than two drops and i fucking hate that. my biggest priority right now is to die. im so fucking sick of every detail of my life
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 44,562
I do understand that it's horrible feeling trapped in an existence that you hate, I really hate how suicide is so difficult in this hellish world, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.
Yeah it builds and builds and builds. Everyone has a breaking point. Apathy isn't uncommon either-again we can only take so much and shutting down is a natural response to being pushed past our limits. I'm sorry about your situation and that we can't offer more than words.
