I have recovered a lot.

[Parnate]

My mental state is much better than before but the last 15 years have been a torture one way or the other. Very often I remember painful memories. People including my own family have been extremely abusive to me as I was a docile and submissive person, no matter how much i tried I could never please them.
Today they have changed, but my hearts is so wounded by all those years of abuse.
Since last two years I have been daydreaming about an alternate life devoid of all the problems of my life.
Today when my life has gotten so better I still consider that alternate life as a benchmark and compare this with that and feel bad.
Today I want to die not cause my life is bad, or I am sick but because I want another , different life .

 

[Gangrel]

Healing isn't linear, and sometimes the pain resurfaces after things get better, when you finally have space to feel it.

 

[honeythunder]

They say its so easy to change your life but its daunting. You could move away and start over, get a new job, hopefully find new friends. Might be generic advice but its an option

 

[dontwakemeup]

I don't think people truly can recover from traumatic experiences, but I hope I'm wrong. Maybe change scenery. Redesign your place, meet new people and try to get out more. This is all advice I don't take for myself but it seems you're trying. Just take it 1 day at a time. Congrats on your recovery.