So I have very severe OCD, mostly pure OCD I'm pretty sure, and the theme right now that has absolutely FUCKED my life up and is making it currently excrutiatingly unbearable is existential OCD especially solipsism and consciousness OCD, it's gotten to the point where it literally doesn't actually feel like OCD anymore or any mental illness, it truly feels like I have just genuinely realised too much and noticed too much about this existence I'm currently trapped in
24/7 I am constantly plagued with this UNBEARABLE, EXCRUCIATING overawareness of the fact that I am essentially stuck in existence and stuck being conscious, it's like this intuitive knowing that consciousness is infinite and can't EVER be escaped, and I am constantly without any breaks whatsoever, aware that I am stuck inside my body, like I'm literally fucking trapped as this one person forever until I die, and this makes me feel incredibly unbearably physically claustrophobic, like I literally feel physically claustrophobic inside my own fucking head like I want to "escape"' but knowing I can't... I can't stress how excrutiatingly and hopelessly claustrophobic this feels, the claustrophobia and panic is so fucking intense that it would make someone buried alive under miles of concrete feel like they are standing on a wide open beach by comparison to this feeling I constantly experience 24/7, the solipsism panic attacks are the worst particular types of panic attacks, I start freaking the fuck out because I can only experience my own thoughts and literally nothing else and I realise everything I see and hear and touch is still filtered through my mind so I'm still basically experiencing my own mind whenever I look at or do anything, no words can describe how terrifying this is, it's truly the absolute worst type of fear someone can experience IMHO
This gives me the most absolutely excruciating panic attacks and nonstop sense of terror, my nervous system is basically shot because of these truths I for some cruel fucking reason, have become aware of, it's turned me into a full on alcoholic now and I drink heavily every day because getting drunk is the only thing that gives me any amount of peace and distraction from this agonizing overawareness I have about existence and consciousness, I literally feel so fucking insane 24/7 with panic and every second I feel like I'm going to freak out and scream and get myself institutionalised or slit my own throat during a particularly severe panic attack to make it fucking stop
I feel like suicide is the only way because I've been dealing with panic attacks my whole life basically and this particular existential dread for 6 years now, I was on medication for a time but i ended up getting a tolerance for it and the feeling of general craziness returned, and I don't want to be the type of guy who needs like 3 different meds just to function, and that's not the life I want for myself, my ADHD is so fucking bad I could hardly remind myself to just take one medication a day let alone multiple, I just don't know what to do besides kill myself, I've been knuckling through this awareness for 6 fucking years and it's finally just getting too much for me to handle, we aren't meant to become this aware of existence and consciousness and it's even worse for me because I have OCD and I can't stop thinking about it the way a normal person probably could
I still haven't decided on a method yet but all I do know is I literally can't tolerate existence anymore, it's too strange and too terrifying, I don't even know who I am anymore and I spend most days completely bedridden and I just can't understand why I'm trapped in this specific persons body, it's just so fucking ridiculous and absurd and I can't take it anymore I really fucking can't, maybe I won't be able to escape consciousness ever but hopefully I can incarnate into a different being or form of consciousness that doesn't become aware of this feeling or at least isn't absolutely horrified by it
24/7 I am constantly plagued with this UNBEARABLE, EXCRUCIATING overawareness of the fact that I am essentially stuck in existence and stuck being conscious, it's like this intuitive knowing that consciousness is infinite and can't EVER be escaped, and I am constantly without any breaks whatsoever, aware that I am stuck inside my body, like I'm literally fucking trapped as this one person forever until I die, and this makes me feel incredibly unbearably physically claustrophobic, like I literally feel physically claustrophobic inside my own fucking head like I want to "escape"' but knowing I can't... I can't stress how excrutiatingly and hopelessly claustrophobic this feels, the claustrophobia and panic is so fucking intense that it would make someone buried alive under miles of concrete feel like they are standing on a wide open beach by comparison to this feeling I constantly experience 24/7, the solipsism panic attacks are the worst particular types of panic attacks, I start freaking the fuck out because I can only experience my own thoughts and literally nothing else and I realise everything I see and hear and touch is still filtered through my mind so I'm still basically experiencing my own mind whenever I look at or do anything, no words can describe how terrifying this is, it's truly the absolute worst type of fear someone can experience IMHO
This gives me the most absolutely excruciating panic attacks and nonstop sense of terror, my nervous system is basically shot because of these truths I for some cruel fucking reason, have become aware of, it's turned me into a full on alcoholic now and I drink heavily every day because getting drunk is the only thing that gives me any amount of peace and distraction from this agonizing overawareness I have about existence and consciousness, I literally feel so fucking insane 24/7 with panic and every second I feel like I'm going to freak out and scream and get myself institutionalised or slit my own throat during a particularly severe panic attack to make it fucking stop
I feel like suicide is the only way because I've been dealing with panic attacks my whole life basically and this particular existential dread for 6 years now, I was on medication for a time but i ended up getting a tolerance for it and the feeling of general craziness returned, and I don't want to be the type of guy who needs like 3 different meds just to function, and that's not the life I want for myself, my ADHD is so fucking bad I could hardly remind myself to just take one medication a day let alone multiple, I just don't know what to do besides kill myself, I've been knuckling through this awareness for 6 fucking years and it's finally just getting too much for me to handle, we aren't meant to become this aware of existence and consciousness and it's even worse for me because I have OCD and I can't stop thinking about it the way a normal person probably could
I still haven't decided on a method yet but all I do know is I literally can't tolerate existence anymore, it's too strange and too terrifying, I don't even know who I am anymore and I spend most days completely bedridden and I just can't understand why I'm trapped in this specific persons body, it's just so fucking ridiculous and absurd and I can't take it anymore I really fucking can't, maybe I won't be able to escape consciousness ever but hopefully I can incarnate into a different being or form of consciousness that doesn't become aware of this feeling or at least isn't absolutely horrified by it
