usernamesarehard
Life sucks and then you die
- Dec 22, 2021
- 267
I'm just screaming into the void, hoping someone hears, but knowing there's a good chance no one will.
I'm planning on ctb on the 31st. I guess we'll see if that happens, wouldn't be the first time someone here plans a ctb date and doesn't go through with it for some reason.
I'm just tired. Physically I'm in a constant state of being perpetually tired. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I going through my first break up and I can't stop thinking of all the fun stuff we did together. I can't stop missing him. Seeing him on Wednesdays helped break up the week and seeing him on the weekends always gave me something to look forward to at the end of the week. Now I don't have that. The weeks drag by, simultaneously going too fast and too slow. I've been on dating sites, but haven't gotten date yet. Most matches don't send a message and the few that do stop replying within a day or so. And of those conversations, maybe half of those turn sexual. I'm not against sex, I love sex and have a pretty high libido, that said I do want to be in a relationship, not a fwb thing and I want to feel like the guy I'm dating is with me because he actually likes ME, not that he just wants sex. The few conversations that go on for longer than a month go nowhere. Guys don't really approach irl these days, so that's not really a good way to find guys. I'm just frustrated and exhausted. It feels like the only decent guy I'm actually attracted to has left me and I'll never find someone else.
Nothing else in my life is really working out either. I have no purpose. Nothing excites me and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I have no dreams. My ex was working towards being an electrical engineer because he's like electronics since he was in highschool. I don't have a passion for anything. I don't have a hobby that I love so much that it gives me a reason to live. My job is ok, but I'm aware that I'm not that important and easily replaceable. All my friends abandon me at some point. The friends that are extremely difficult for me to make.
I'm extremely lonely. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere or felt important to anyone. Maybe that's why I want to be in a relationship, to help with the loneliness and to have someone have care for me. I had that, but he's gone now. He claimed that he'd kill himself too if I killed myself. He constantly says he loves me, he just doesn't have romantic feeling for me. What the fuck is wrong with some people? Why would he kill himself if I did? Why does he care enough to leave a good life behind for a woman he says he doesn't love? He has a family that loves him and he's on the way to getting a job making 6 figures. He has friends and he can actually get dates unlike me. My own father left when I was 19 and hasn't called me in probably a year. I think he called maybe once or twice in the 3-4 years he's been gone. And he's willing to throw away all that for a woman he's not even in love with. Again, what the fuck is wrong with some people?
I'm ready to catch my bus. And I'm also not. I don't want to die, per se. But things aren't getting better and I'm fucking tired. I haven't even gotten into my job shit. I've been applying to jobs out of my state. I hate living in this city, I never wanted to be here, but 11 year olds don't have much of a say in where they live. I couldn't get a job out of state and I still can't now that I'm applying again. I already hated this place, constantly being reminded of my ex just makes things worse. I'm both terrified for the 31st ad excited. I want to leave, but I'm terrified at the prospect of dying.
I'm also just tired of my shitty social life. I don't have friends and can't make any. Everyone who I manage to be friends with leaves me eventually. I constantly reach out, but hear nothing back. I'm tired of being abandoned and not mattering to anyone.
I'm not good at anything I try. Videogames, art, self learning. I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired now and to be honest I didn't really want to make this poost in the first place. I guess actually telling someon I won't be here come next month makes things too real. I have been cleaning and preparing things for my death though. I cleaned my car so my mom doesn't have to. I plan on getting all my stuff out of my lockers at work and leaving anything that belongs to the company (keys, things like that) in my locker and taking my locks with me, of course. This is the most work I've ever done. I mean in terms of suicide. Usually it's just a passive thing, sometimes I'll gather supplies for a method I want to do but never even attempt. I guess all this prep work makes things more real.
I'm planning on ctb on the 31st. I guess we'll see if that happens, wouldn't be the first time someone here plans a ctb date and doesn't go through with it for some reason.
I'm just tired. Physically I'm in a constant state of being perpetually tired. Mentally, I'm exhausted. I going through my first break up and I can't stop thinking of all the fun stuff we did together. I can't stop missing him. Seeing him on Wednesdays helped break up the week and seeing him on the weekends always gave me something to look forward to at the end of the week. Now I don't have that. The weeks drag by, simultaneously going too fast and too slow. I've been on dating sites, but haven't gotten date yet. Most matches don't send a message and the few that do stop replying within a day or so. And of those conversations, maybe half of those turn sexual. I'm not against sex, I love sex and have a pretty high libido, that said I do want to be in a relationship, not a fwb thing and I want to feel like the guy I'm dating is with me because he actually likes ME, not that he just wants sex. The few conversations that go on for longer than a month go nowhere. Guys don't really approach irl these days, so that's not really a good way to find guys. I'm just frustrated and exhausted. It feels like the only decent guy I'm actually attracted to has left me and I'll never find someone else.
Nothing else in my life is really working out either. I have no purpose. Nothing excites me and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. I have no dreams. My ex was working towards being an electrical engineer because he's like electronics since he was in highschool. I don't have a passion for anything. I don't have a hobby that I love so much that it gives me a reason to live. My job is ok, but I'm aware that I'm not that important and easily replaceable. All my friends abandon me at some point. The friends that are extremely difficult for me to make.
I'm extremely lonely. I've never felt like I belonged anywhere or felt important to anyone. Maybe that's why I want to be in a relationship, to help with the loneliness and to have someone have care for me. I had that, but he's gone now. He claimed that he'd kill himself too if I killed myself. He constantly says he loves me, he just doesn't have romantic feeling for me. What the fuck is wrong with some people? Why would he kill himself if I did? Why does he care enough to leave a good life behind for a woman he says he doesn't love? He has a family that loves him and he's on the way to getting a job making 6 figures. He has friends and he can actually get dates unlike me. My own father left when I was 19 and hasn't called me in probably a year. I think he called maybe once or twice in the 3-4 years he's been gone. And he's willing to throw away all that for a woman he's not even in love with. Again, what the fuck is wrong with some people?
I'm ready to catch my bus. And I'm also not. I don't want to die, per se. But things aren't getting better and I'm fucking tired. I haven't even gotten into my job shit. I've been applying to jobs out of my state. I hate living in this city, I never wanted to be here, but 11 year olds don't have much of a say in where they live. I couldn't get a job out of state and I still can't now that I'm applying again. I already hated this place, constantly being reminded of my ex just makes things worse. I'm both terrified for the 31st ad excited. I want to leave, but I'm terrified at the prospect of dying.
I'm also just tired of my shitty social life. I don't have friends and can't make any. Everyone who I manage to be friends with leaves me eventually. I constantly reach out, but hear nothing back. I'm tired of being abandoned and not mattering to anyone.
I'm not good at anything I try. Videogames, art, self learning. I'm sure there's more, but I'm tired now and to be honest I didn't really want to make this poost in the first place. I guess actually telling someon I won't be here come next month makes things too real. I have been cleaning and preparing things for my death though. I cleaned my car so my mom doesn't have to. I plan on getting all my stuff out of my lockers at work and leaving anything that belongs to the company (keys, things like that) in my locker and taking my locks with me, of course. This is the most work I've ever done. I mean in terms of suicide. Usually it's just a passive thing, sometimes I'll gather supplies for a method I want to do but never even attempt. I guess all this prep work makes things more real.
