Venting I have never hated anything more in life than myself

[in2thespiral]

I don't even hold this level of hatred towards the people who abused, raped, neglected, and violated me. I feel like the most disgusting person walking on this planet. I will never be loved properly. I will always be seen as an object to be used. I will always be left behind to swallow my tears. No matter how much I try to change, I'm still this pathetic waste of life. I just want to be wanted. I want to be loved and cherished. I want to feel important and worthy. Instead, I am faced with the torment of my memories and the continuous pain of everyday life. I hate letting people in just for them to be another stain on my brain. I'm tired of being hurt over and over again. To give someone my mind, body and soul and then experience betrayal and heartache is torture. I live in fear everyday. I don't ever want to let my walls slip again. I am constantly on high alert. I'm not cautious, I'm paranoid. I can't escape from the sick reality I live in. I am never free from the things that haunt me. I feel like I was put on this earth to suffer. There is no end. I'm just bound to live in misery.

 

[derpyderpins]

This is heartbreaking. I'm sorry life has been so unfair to you.

Your wants are reasonable. Your difficulty trusting is earned. Can you really call it paranoia if you've been genuinely wronged when trusting before?

Self-hatred, given all of this, is definitely your ego trying to protect you in some way. It sucks because it's like allergies where your body (mind) is attacking itself in a panic.

I had someone ask me recently why self-hatred happens. My answer was something like this:

When faced with repeated bad outcomes, the ego might conclude the safest action going forward is to pre-emptively kill any hope to avoid the situation where the bad outcome might occur. You mentioned putting up walls, which is pretty spot-on if you've ever listened to "The Wall" by Pink Floyd: repeated trauma/abuse in childhood leads the main character to hide himself from everyone behind a mental wall.

Typically, when we fail, having a "good attitude" and pressing on and trying to improve things is the reaction we're supposed to have. But, eventually, everyone can be worn down, and there's no energy left for that good attitude reaction, and trying it will lead to full collapse, so we really need to rest first. But hope is our built-in natural reaction, so the ego has to say really mean things to us to get us to give up that hope.

For instance, you are not an "object to be used," because no one is. Even the worst people on the planet shouldn't be dehumanized in that way. Using someone else like an object is evil.

Back to paranoia v. caution: when you're in a critical state of danger, you're going to be more cautious, right? HP is low, there's frantic beeping and alarm bells: the natural instinct is to throw out all offense and focus on defense. It's healthy to identify that you're in that state of extreme caution and know that it isn't always the proper strategy, but right now, you need rest.

You deserve rest. You deserve to feel safe. It's far easier said than done but I think you need to try letting yourself rest. Now is not the time to search for love and acceptance. Now is not the time to accomplish things to make people want you. Now is the time for rest and self-care.

You might genuinely hate yourself, but you still are the one who has to care for yourself - you can think of it like taking care of a houseplant if you want to depersonalize it. That's another problem with the self-hatred that the ego doesn't anticipate: self-hatred leads to not taking care of the self which creates a circular void of feeling worse and worse.

It can always get worse. That's one of the saddest truths of this existence. But, because of that, even if you hate yourself, you should take care of yourself to reduce the misery, or at least stop the bleeding.

I really hope things can get a little less bad.

 

[in2thespiral]

This is heartbreaking. I'm sorry life has been so unfair to you.

Your wants are reasonable. Your difficulty trusting is earned. Can you really call it paranoia if you've been genuinely wronged when trusting before?

Self-hatred, given all of this, is definitely your ego trying to protect you in some way. It sucks because it's like allergies where your body (mind) is attacking itself in a panic.

I had someone ask me recently why self-hatred happens. My answer was something like this:

When faced with repeated bad outcomes, the ego might conclude the safest action going forward is to pre-emptively kill any hope to avoid the situation where the bad outcome might occur. You mentioned putting up walls, which is pretty spot-on if you've ever listened to "The Wall" by Pink Floyd: repeated trauma/abuse in childhood leads the main character to hide himself from everyone behind a mental wall.

Typically, when we fail, having a "good attitude" and pressing on and trying to improve things is the reaction we're supposed to have. But, eventually, everyone can be worn down, and there's no energy left for that good attitude reaction, and trying it will lead to full collapse, so we really need to rest first. But hope is our built-in natural reaction, so the ego has to say really mean things to us to get us to give up that hope.

For instance, you are not an "object to be used," because no one is. Even the worst people on the planet shouldn't be dehumanized in that way. Using someone else like an object is evil.

Back to paranoia v. caution: when you're in a critical state of danger, you're going to be more cautious, right? HP is low, there's frantic beeping and alarm bells: the natural instinct is to throw out all offense and focus on defense. It's healthy to identify that you're in that state of extreme caution and know that it isn't always the proper strategy, but right now, you need rest.

You deserve rest. You deserve to feel safe. It's far easier said than done but I think you need to try letting yourself rest. Now is not the time to search for love and acceptance. Now is not the time to accomplish things to make people want you. Now is the time for rest and self-care.

You might genuinely hate yourself, but you still are the one who has to care for yourself - you can think of it like taking care of a houseplant if you want to depersonalize it. That's another problem with the self-hatred that the ego doesn't anticipate: self-hatred leads to not taking care of the self which creates a circular void of feeling worse and worse.

It can always get worse. That's one of the saddest truths of this existence. But, because of that, even if you hate yourself, you should take care of yourself to reduce the misery, or at least stop the bleeding.

I really hope things can get a little less bad.

Thank u for ur response. I wish people were this insightful and kind in real life. It's difficult to find that.

Why must I project this hatred into my skull over other people's selfish actions? I want to find peace within myself but I have found myself to be stuck in a cavernous hole that is simply hard to climb out of. I won't say it's impossible but I have lost any hope that I had many years ago.

I have felt this way since I was 6 years old. As a small child I would stare out the window and wish death upon myself every single day without fail. This self hatred is deeply rooted inside of me. I don't know if I'll ever be free from it.

 

[derpyderpins]

Thank u for ur response. I wish people were this insightful and kind in real life. It's difficult to find that.

Why must I project this hatred into my skull over other people's selfish actions? I want to find peace within myself but I have found myself to be stuck in a cavernous hole that is simply hard to climb out of. I won't say it's impossible but I have lost any hope that I had many years ago.

I have felt this way since I was 6 years old. As a small child I would stare out the window and wish death upon myself every single day without fail. This self hatred is deeply rooted inside of me. I don't know if I'll ever be free from it.

No problem at all.

I think most of the time people are struggling (whether they know it or not) with their own messed-up thought processes. We say "mental health crisis" and some people think that not having a diagnosis means that their mind is functioning in a healthy way, but the reality is most people are affected by our modern way of being.

But one must lookout for themselves and do the best they can within the system we're given.

I was first suicidal at 11. At that time, I was really still a child, and should have still had childlike innocence, but obviously that was torn apart by something. When we're children, we're learning about the world, ourselves, and our place in it. What I remember is anxiety and fear. That's an awful situation for a child. I always had a soft spot for children who were struggling or suffering, and I always said I hated it because children are innocent: they've done nothing to deserve that fate.

The crazy thing is that it wasn't until the past few years (I'm in my 30s now) that I gave myself the same kindness and said 'I was only 11. It couldn't have been my fault that I wanted to kill myself at that point. Something was wrong, and I was failed by whoever or whatever was supposed to protect me.'

You were only 6, which - again - is heartbreaking. For a six year old to be looking out the window wishing for death. . . that's not natural. It may feel rooted because it's been internalized so deeply, but that is the consequence of something and/or someone failing you at that time when you should have been carefree and just existing to learn through experience.

I don't know if you'll ever be free from the self-hatred, but I'm certain it's possible, and it's even more certainly possible to lessen it, which begins by acknowledging where it comes from. You don't have to love yourself right away, just try to treat yourself as kindly as a stranger at first. If a stranger told you that they wanted to die at age 6, wouldn't you tell them 'it can't be your fault'?

 

[in2thespiral]

No problem at all.

I think most of the time people are struggling (whether they know it or not) with their own messed-up thought processes. We say "mental health crisis" and some people think that not having a diagnosis means that their mind is functioning in a healthy way, but the reality is most people are affected by our modern way of being.

But one must lookout for themselves and do the best they can within the system we're given.

I was first suicidal at 11. At that time, I was really still a child, and should have still had childlike innocence, but obviously that was torn apart by something. When we're children, we're learning about the world, ourselves, and our place in it. What I remember is anxiety and fear. That's an awful situation for a child. I always had a soft spot for children who were struggling or suffering, and I always said I hated it because children are innocent: they've done nothing to deserve that fate.

The crazy thing is that it wasn't until the past few years (I'm in my 30s now) that I gave myself the same kindness and said 'I was only 11. It couldn't have been my fault that I wanted to kill myself at that point. Something was wrong, and I was failed by whoever or whatever was supposed to protect me.'

You were only 6, which - again - is heartbreaking. For a six year old to be looking out the window wishing for death. . . that's not natural. It may feel rooted because it's been internalized so deeply, but that is the consequence of something and/or someone failing you at that time when you should have been carefree and just existing to learn through experience.

I don't know if you'll ever be free from the self-hatred, but I'm certain it's possible, and it's even more certainly possible to lessen it, which begins by acknowledging where it comes from. You don't have to love yourself right away, just try to treat yourself as kindly as a stranger at first. If a stranger told you that they wanted to die at age 6, wouldn't you tell them 'it can't be your fault'?

I'm sorry to hear that. No child should live that way. You didn't deserve to look fear in the eyes and feel something so gut wrenching as a kid. No kid should experience that. I'm happy that you gave yourself some kindness, even if it took awhile. That's not an easy thing to do, especially in our positions. I'm so very proud of you. On the other side of the coin, It's simultaneously comforting to hear that someone else has experienced a suicidal mindset that young. No one has ever related to that little part of my story. They were just disturbed. How could that be? A child feeling something so intense is unheard of to most. It would be a mouthful comprehend and probably feel like a taboo subject.

You're completely right on something happening to trigger that constant desire to die. A lot of traumatic events have occurred throughout my life but a huge chunk of it took place during that time. There were many things that altered my brain such as the neglect, abuse, witnessing death, poverty, bullying, etc. but the major ones were my father sexually abusing me and my uncle being brutally murdered on a sidewalk (he was a better dad to me than mine ever was). That is the moment things took a turn. My mind should've been thinking about playing with friends, chasing butterflies, eating cake. That was hard to write actually. I could only come up with three things that seemed childlike. I'm not actually sure what a child should be thinking about but I know it's not death.

Anyways, when your childhood is thieved and your innocence is gutted out of you, your mind will naturally falter. The self hatred that comes with it is incredibly tiresome. I want to see the worth in myself instead berating my reflection until I am in tears. I want to be confident and not hide from the outside because of how tainted and ugly I feel. I want nothing more than to be positive instead of pessimistic. I think people are scary and I have no hope in them being good but I understand what your saying about stepping into an outsider perspective. Of course, if a child were suicidal at 6 years old I would instantly suspect something was going on. Something is affecting them. That's not something to ignore as it's a major red flag. I don't know how anyone could just sweep that under the rug and disregard that child's plea for help whether it was intentional or not.

I think today I will try to be positive towards myself, even if it feels fake. That broken little girl is still inside of me and I want to show her that it's possible to take your life back from the hands of evil and experience genuine happiness. I don't have to live in the memories, flashbacks, and nightmares. Although they'll always be there (trauma isn't something that happened to you, it's something that continues to happen to you because it can't just disappear,) I will find better ways to manage and cope with it. I will always have to live with it but I don't have to live in it. I have to seperate the past from the present, which is extremely difficult, but that little girl in me deserves to at least have an adulthood that's not soaked in misery and shame.