I have mixed emotions

[weakest gd player]

I had an account on here a few years ago where I talked about my perspective on life and how i thought it wasn't worth it. I spoke about how I have everything I could ever want and yet i was still depressed, feeling empty, extreme social anxiety and couldn't stop doing drugs. My life was miserable yet I had loving parents that would die for me, friends that would do anything for me regardless of how poorly I might have been treating them at the time and I'm quite an attractive man who goes to the gym and regularly works out. The list can go on but to put it simply I had no problems in life other than the fact that I hate it and would rather do nothing.

However things have changed quite a lot since then. I'm now at uni and enjoy going out, I socialise much more than I ever used to due to my incredibly poor social skills (I didn't know how to introduce myself to strangers, know how to stand, when to speak ect) I have really worked so damn hard learning to talk to people. There was months of just going out with my friends who are social butterflies and sitting in silence learning how to talk by just watching them and asking questions in the car after social interactions. Yet after all everyone has done for me and all the work I've put in learning how to act normal i still want it to fucking end. I'm always looking for a way to get high to numb the feeling in my chest just so i don't start cutting myself. i just can't wrap my head around how and why I feel the way it do. I want to order SN to the uk and end this all but, at the same time, I'm conflicted and want to hear people opinions to maybe give me more clarity and
it may open me up to ideas that i may have not considered.

I'm high asf writing this so it might not make sense but I wanted to try get this off my chest

 

[penguinl0v3s]

There was months of just going out with my friends who are social butterflies and sitting in silence learning how to talk by just watching them and asking questions in the car after social interactions. Yet after all everyone has done for me and all the work I've put in learning how to act normal i still want it to fucking end.

I could be wrong, but that sounds like autism. I was crushed when I was diagnosed with autism, because it meant that it is impossible to ever be normal. Autistic people become happy by accepting that, but I can't accept that. Usually people know how to socialize as an instinct, but if you have autism you can spend your life observing people and watching tutorials and putting in 1000x more effort than normal people, only to still be left out. This condition is a curse that has no cure.

I want to order SN to the uk and end this all but, at the same time, I'm conflicted and want to hear people opinions to maybe give me more clarity and
it may open me up to ideas that i may have not considered.

You're in a rough spot. It's impossible to get these things in the UK without a welfare check. My condolences.

 

[weakest gd player]

I could be wrong, but that sounds like autism. I was crushed when I was diagnosed with autism, because it meant that it is impossible to ever be normal. Autistic people become happy by accepting that, but I can't accept that. Usually people know how to socialize as an instinct, but if you have autism you can spend your life observing people and watching tutorials and putting in 1000x more effort than normal people, only to still be left out. This condition is a curse that has no cure.

You're in a rough spot. It's impossible to get these things in the UK without a welfare check. My condolences.

I am autistic. Its not a curse. I can ACT normal its just a case that i have to put more effort into it than others. Ive made plenty of friends at uni and have plenty of friends at home too, I don't think its fair or right to blame my mental on something I can't control, especially when I've managed to fix myself and learn how to do it right. I'm just feeling like an idiot and i feel like I'm ruining my life by doing drugs again and I feel like its going to spiral.