It is horrible in the longrun if I don't have a purpose in life or when I actually have a purpose in life. I think severe bipolar, psychosis and asperger is a nasty mix.
If I have a purpose in life (like fighting a legal battle (lol), working for university, reading about politics, posting on here) I become really really excessive and obsessive.
The worst battles were this legal battle against my therapist and college. Both was extremely toxic and I had to take a lot of emergency medication to cope with it. But when this time period was over or a had a break if felt actually really really good. Like I fulfilled my mission and I earned giving me a break.
When I am in a situation I am hyperfocused. I fade out other problems in my life. And sometimes this aspect is good. Being in the situation itself is not good at all though. But it gives me this happniess illusion. If I just get rid of these college exercises everything will be fine and I will be happy. I think my life quality improved a lot since I quit college. But my mind is like a labyrinth and often I lose myself in it. If there is nothing that structures my thoughts this can destabilize me.
I think it was good going to a self-help group once a week. I had to be stable enough to go there. I couldn't allow me to lose myself. However, sometimes I was unstable in that group and I had to overplay it. The group became more and more toxic. And I couldn't just quit. I was scared to have nothing when I leave. But the self-help group became really insanely toxic and when I quit it felt really good to leave them behind.
The best approach I found thus was the following. Having obsessions that are not extremely harmful. Going to college was horrible for my mental health. I almost killed myself due to the aftermath. I like posting on here and in some ways it gives me purpose. I think I am too ill for a purpose with more responsibility. But sometimes it can feel like a duty and chore. Overall I think the impact on my mental health is very good posting on here regularly. I have a clearer mind when I am reflecting on myself. Trying to read as much about politics and media as a I can. In some way it is a goal of me to become a political expert. But I always worry about not being good enough. I think politics is my autistic special interest. And I have many politically interested friends. In some ways it is also sad that politics occupies my mind so much. Especially, when I am actually better in introspection
I think the best approach for me. To a have several purposes in lives while balancing them. I think though this is not enough. I thought a lot why I was in some sense more stable in emergency situations where I am hypoerfocused on a threat. Yes, college exams felt like a threat to me. One reason might be the structure and routines these threats gave me. But maybe partly the emergency medication played a part too. When there were no real duties for me I tried to live completely without emergency medication and trying to live without benzos is certainly the right choice. But I noticed it is good for my mental health to take from time to time a half z-medication (addictive sleeping pill). It is very important to regulate my sleep. The sleep is decisive for my well-being. I had the goal to never take any emergency medication. But if I do that it becomes like a cycle where I wake up earlier and earlier. This also happened recently. And it is not good for my stability. Z-medication overall has a pretty good impact on my mind. And they are not nearly as dangerous as benzos. I don't like the notion to take something addictive but when it is used very carefully it helps me a lot.
If I have a purpose in life (like fighting a legal battle (lol), working for university, reading about politics, posting on here) I become really really excessive and obsessive.
The worst battles were this legal battle against my therapist and college. Both was extremely toxic and I had to take a lot of emergency medication to cope with it. But when this time period was over or a had a break if felt actually really really good. Like I fulfilled my mission and I earned giving me a break.
When I am in a situation I am hyperfocused. I fade out other problems in my life. And sometimes this aspect is good. Being in the situation itself is not good at all though. But it gives me this happniess illusion. If I just get rid of these college exercises everything will be fine and I will be happy. I think my life quality improved a lot since I quit college. But my mind is like a labyrinth and often I lose myself in it. If there is nothing that structures my thoughts this can destabilize me.
I think it was good going to a self-help group once a week. I had to be stable enough to go there. I couldn't allow me to lose myself. However, sometimes I was unstable in that group and I had to overplay it. The group became more and more toxic. And I couldn't just quit. I was scared to have nothing when I leave. But the self-help group became really insanely toxic and when I quit it felt really good to leave them behind.
The best approach I found thus was the following. Having obsessions that are not extremely harmful. Going to college was horrible for my mental health. I almost killed myself due to the aftermath. I like posting on here and in some ways it gives me purpose. I think I am too ill for a purpose with more responsibility. But sometimes it can feel like a duty and chore. Overall I think the impact on my mental health is very good posting on here regularly. I have a clearer mind when I am reflecting on myself. Trying to read as much about politics and media as a I can. In some way it is a goal of me to become a political expert. But I always worry about not being good enough. I think politics is my autistic special interest. And I have many politically interested friends. In some ways it is also sad that politics occupies my mind so much. Especially, when I am actually better in introspection
I think the best approach for me. To a have several purposes in lives while balancing them. I think though this is not enough. I thought a lot why I was in some sense more stable in emergency situations where I am hypoerfocused on a threat. Yes, college exams felt like a threat to me. One reason might be the structure and routines these threats gave me. But maybe partly the emergency medication played a part too. When there were no real duties for me I tried to live completely without emergency medication and trying to live without benzos is certainly the right choice. But I noticed it is good for my mental health to take from time to time a half z-medication (addictive sleeping pill). It is very important to regulate my sleep. The sleep is decisive for my well-being. I had the goal to never take any emergency medication. But if I do that it becomes like a cycle where I wake up earlier and earlier. This also happened recently. And it is not good for my stability. Z-medication overall has a pretty good impact on my mind. And they are not nearly as dangerous as benzos. I don't like the notion to take something addictive but when it is used very carefully it helps me a lot.
