necrotix
cutter ☆ attempts : 2
- Jan 17, 2026
- 3
i have gone my whole life horrifically mentally ill. it's a mixture of both extensive trauma and also just being born this way
i have been cutting and starving since i was 7. i have been an alcoholic and drug addict since 12. all still ongoing
got an infection from a failed opioid OD administered intravenously, and now i have horrible chronic pain. insufflated the second time and went to the emergency room
i have accepted this is how i will go out. maybe not soon, but some day. i have more than just accepted it, i want it
i am a violent, sadistic person sometimes. i feel a weird sense of pleasure knowing somebody will find what i did to myself and be horrified. i am not really edgy, i wouldn't say, but i suppose just desensitized, and even attracted to, those morbid sorts of things
i have too much to live for right now. odd to say here of all places, i know, but i have people that i care about. they won't last forever, though. both of my attempts were even made while these people were on my life. they barely even save me as is. i just do not wish that harm upon them, even if i do not feel as loved as i wish i was
the biggest problem with having bpd is that suicide can feel like the only answer one moment and then be completely out of the question the next. either that, or i am simply too depressed to be motivated to try. preperation is more than enough time to give up. it wastes my energy to even get up in the morning, nonetheless do all of that for something that doesn't even make me feel peace. i just feel nothing
despite this, i know it will happen. probably not ODing like i have tried before as it was unsuccessful and i have a major tolerance now. i am thinking firearms as they are easy to access where i am and i think i may have some sense of excitement out of making a gorey scene like that (i know how it sounds when i admit that, but this my story. i want to tell the whole truth)
i will likely be drunk or high, if not both, as well. being sober bores me, and the only thing that really makes this life bright and beautiful is when i am too stupid to see it truthfully. this is a bad decision, i know, but i don't want to think rationally. i don't care about being smart about it. i don't care about thinking it through. the only way life has ever been enjoyable for me is if it is impulsive, adventurous, and destructive. i want to die that way too
i have been cutting and starving since i was 7. i have been an alcoholic and drug addict since 12. all still ongoing
got an infection from a failed opioid OD administered intravenously, and now i have horrible chronic pain. insufflated the second time and went to the emergency room
i have accepted this is how i will go out. maybe not soon, but some day. i have more than just accepted it, i want it
i am a violent, sadistic person sometimes. i feel a weird sense of pleasure knowing somebody will find what i did to myself and be horrified. i am not really edgy, i wouldn't say, but i suppose just desensitized, and even attracted to, those morbid sorts of things
i have too much to live for right now. odd to say here of all places, i know, but i have people that i care about. they won't last forever, though. both of my attempts were even made while these people were on my life. they barely even save me as is. i just do not wish that harm upon them, even if i do not feel as loved as i wish i was
the biggest problem with having bpd is that suicide can feel like the only answer one moment and then be completely out of the question the next. either that, or i am simply too depressed to be motivated to try. preperation is more than enough time to give up. it wastes my energy to even get up in the morning, nonetheless do all of that for something that doesn't even make me feel peace. i just feel nothing
despite this, i know it will happen. probably not ODing like i have tried before as it was unsuccessful and i have a major tolerance now. i am thinking firearms as they are easy to access where i am and i think i may have some sense of excitement out of making a gorey scene like that (i know how it sounds when i admit that, but this my story. i want to tell the whole truth)
i will likely be drunk or high, if not both, as well. being sober bores me, and the only thing that really makes this life bright and beautiful is when i am too stupid to see it truthfully. this is a bad decision, i know, but i don't want to think rationally. i don't care about being smart about it. i don't care about thinking it through. the only way life has ever been enjoyable for me is if it is impulsive, adventurous, and destructive. i want to die that way too
