Discussion i hate my emotions

[ScaredCutter]

I hate being so reactive, so sensitive, so overdramatic and what not. i just want to express happiness and love but all this anger, sadness and jealousy builds up and covers it so im only able to express that. i know i can love and be happy but these other feelings just overshaodw it and its so unfair.

i hate that i cant look at a situation like a normal person, why do i have to feel jealous and angry over it? its not like im apart of whats happening, but all my mind does is constantly imagine whats happening, whats being said and such and i believe something much horrible is going on. ive tried just veiwing things as, "theres nothing bad going on, its fine because (reason, xyz)" but, that never works.

i also hate how i will just cry over feeling like im being left out, replaced or forgotten like as if its happening when theres NOTHING going on. im just so dramatic and cant see things as how it really is, i make up these false narratives and stick to them so much that it affects my relationship, i cant even hide it all that well because it bothers me so much.

i dont even understand why i think like this or react this way. i dont even know why in my head, i start making up lies and end up believing so much because i dont know whats actually going on. i try to not poke my nose in things im not supposed to but these stupid fucking narratives make me feel like i need to. im constantly breaking boundariea because of how stupid i am.

i wish i was normal bruh. i dont even understand this myself.

ill try to add on more if i can remember other situations.

 

[AtreusMacabre]

You are able to articulate them well. I aim to develop a closed-loop brain-computer interface for real-time control of emotions at will. Understand, Regulate, Control, Transcend.

But until then the best way I know to stay in control and maintain objectivity is to correctly identify and detach the emotions from the cognitions which might play in my head like a movie, with no emotional content whatsoever, and whose truth I can rationally evaluate. Expressing them out loud while you experience them helps too.

It's hard, but it's the best we have for now. They're fickle, illusory, distressful, transient. They suck. But they are supposed to contain some sort of valuable signals that wish to be understood by you, taken apart and analyzed to change whatever it is that you need to change- write, speak, record, experiment, just do not lose hope.

I am learning too. So I might be wrong or naive about some of that stuff. But I hope it gets better.

 

[ScaredCutter]

im always repeating myself but, i only understand half of why i hate my bfs friends. i hate their banter, i hate those friends because of how they made me feel, i hate seeing them online, i despie knowing they are around.

https://sanctionedsuicide.site/threads/hate-jealousy-and-being-envy.223041/

i always compare them to a past situation becaise i believe itll happen again. i cant even trust the people he likes playing with. but, no matter how many times im reminded and anything else, i keep thinking and feeling the same way.

i honestly hate myself.

i used to be semi attatched to some old friends i had, i hated how they invited people in, i felt usually left out and sad/angry but i only expressed the feeling of loneliness because id just avoid them.

im so immature man.

 

[ScaredCutter]

i used to have pretty bad anger issues (idk if id call it that cuz i just see myself as an asshole) but, i used to throw things in anger because of being pushed to my limits, id hit myself, maybe bite myself or even break something (nothing thats rlly valuable). i used to yell extremely loud, at the top of my lungs until my voice would go faint, i used to threaten things too.

though, all of it has calmed down to an extent but, i still hit myself in anger, pull at my face, yank my hair, have suicidal thoughts from whats making me really upset, be avoidant/mute to whoever is pissing me off. i only yell when i feel like im not being heard or that i have to repeat something ive said countless times.

my expression of anger usually came from what my dad says to me because it always feels like hes trying to attack me for who i am as a person. sometimes i can get into an argument with people and ill become furious and say extremely harmful things to others but, ive managed to control myself and not do those. when something happens between someone close to me, i usually try to express the anger by throwing it onto others (strangers online) or, if i mess up on something id just get really mad and take it on myself.

my younger brother pisses me off so bad, i hate him and cant handle him. i hate hearing him in any sort of way, i hate knowing hes in the same house. i hate it that he wont shut up. i have urges because of how furious i feel towards him. we have both attacked eachother in some capcity but nothing life threatening, just minor injuries. but, i hate him so bad.

this is more on my relationship but, usually when an smth bad happens i start thinking "maybe i dont love him" and other things denying my feelings and it just makes me so miserable and angruy because, its not true. i wouldnt lkeave him, i wouldnt hate him, id keep on loving him forever. i hate how my brain will try to warp my thoughts and feelings on somebody who i hold so dearly and closely. i dont even know why it happens :(

 

[ScaredCutter]

i keep having conflicting thoughts about what ive been diagnosed with. i cant come to terms knowing i have autism, social anxiety and selective mutism. whenever im reminded of it, i feel like im faking it, maybe i was lying in the assessments idk.

i get anxious and sad because i just dont know anymore. am i who i am? do i really have these problems? ive been fed to see that my struggles are nothing because (im not disregarding or belittling others) ive been tild others have it harder. i used to be on tiktok and thered always be these arguments about "if ur life was like this and that, u shouldnt be complaining" or other shit to throw others down.

i find it hard to accept and acknowledge my problems because of other things that happen around me. when my emotions shift quickly in a heated moment, when i feel scared, sad and all of a sudden i just "stop" feeling that way. i dont understand it at all, am i faking things?

 

[ScaredCutter]

would it even be smart to go through the process of bpd? maybe im just a bitch, its mostly all ive known for my life.
ive looked up bpd stmptons and seen some other vairying things so that i can gain a decent understanding. but, im so afraid of asking to go through it because not just the cost, its being pestered about "why do u think that". i just wanna keep it between me and a professional to understand, i dont want to be disregarded for thinking thst way.

im getting pissed and sad because i know what my parents will say. it hurts, why do i get rejected for how i feel. whats even the point of opening I p when ur feelings are used against u.

 

[ScaredCutter]

need an answer

 

[Nightfoot]

You're dealing with some tough challenges, but you're also self aware enough to recognize and articulate them. That's a positive, even if you're not able to fully control them, yet. If therapy is an option, it can often be helpful in learning ways to cope, if not overcome those emotions.

 

[ScaredCutter]

omg, maybe i am overreacting and just an asshole. i cant tell anymore. i dont know how to feel right now or anything, nothing bad happened but all i can think now is that im probably faking everything and in reality, im just an asshole by heart, born to be one. maybe im just making things up to make it feel like i may have something, omg what if i am. i cant stop comparing my own experiences to others, i feel like im upset over minor things, that my struggles are just shit ud get over with in an instant. maybe everything up til know is all fake. i cant tell anymore, i feel cold on the inside, im nervous and dont know how to feel.

what is it, what the fuck am i.

im human but im not, i dont understand my own struggles to the fullest. im useless and weak, maybe ive been faking it my life, what am i doing????????????????????????

i always have this odd out of body experience, its shrot but it makes me feel like im not me, im not who i am. everything will feel strange around me and i start seeing everything in other peoples eyes, i imagine how fucking annoying i must be, how hideious i look, how embarassing it is knowing im around. idk, am i lying??? is what im expereicing just normal? what is wrong with me.

then i start feeling better, like this didnt happen. why cant i feel the way i feel, my emotions are so shrot, maybe it can last days but then i act like i never felt that way. is this nromal, idk??????????? idk idk idk. my dad called me heartless because i didnt cry at a funeral, is it really because of autism? whats wrong with me??????????????????????????????????????????

what the FUCK IS ANY OF THIS. what am i doing.

no, i cant muster up asking to see a therapist, psychologist or ANYTHING, im terrified of asking, i hate being questioned. i hate it when im asked CONSTANTLY as to WHY i want something to help me. dude, i asked for help with doing a diet from my mum because i'll just end up eating random stuff again and u know what? NO SUPPORT, WHATS THE POINT. i tried even without getting aided and I FAIL ALL THE TIME.

theres a lump in my throat, i want to cry, im angry and anxious. this is BULLSHIT

oh now im ok, whats this bullshit. all in the span of like 21mins (approx) since posting this?? no, no, i didnt need to vent, i just need to be understood, need an answer. what is even wrong with me. i know i can acknowledge my emotions, its nothing special really.

 

[ScaredCutter]

happening again, feeling angry and jealous. i cant stop doing this habit of finding out whats going on when im not invovled. i dont understand why i keep doiung it knowing it hurts me, it breaks me. it makes me unable to hide how im feeling and changes the whole mood of everything in my relationship. i love my boyfriend but, i keep feeling this way about his friends. i hate his friends. theres so much more trhoughts and feelings that i feel toward those "friends", its all hate and negaitivty. these feelings slowly break me and will cause naother problem to arise.

why am i like this?

i mean, i am tlaking to him and have recently played with him but, i just cant bare seeing him doing any of that with others, i feel like ill be replaced at any moment.

theres no reason to talk to him about this because i have and i usually end up trying to control everything in the end, so i just back away from doing so to prevent that. i want him to have freedom and his own choices in life but, my thoughts and emotions want to take control of it all. im so hrorible :(

 

[ScaredCutter]

i really want to go through the process of knowing if im just purely an asshole by heart or maybe there is something wrong with me thats causing all of this. i have no way of bringing it up or suggesting it again to my mum because i dont want my feelings and suggestion to be disregarded as "thats only passed down genetically" or "but u werent abused" or something very traumatic. yes, ive never been hit but ive been verbally yelled at and had my emotiosn toyed with but i guess it doesnt mean anything.

i dont wantto be pestered about my reasoning, i dont want to be forced to tell my parents. i can only tell my teacher and she can only really give advice and rely information to my mum (as long as i consent to it or if it must be relayed). but, i selective mutism also, this is so unfair man. yeah i could just write things down and hand it but, god i hate being asked so much shit. i dont know what to do.

im just anxious from even thinking about it because i know whats going to happen :(

how would i ask?

 

[Pale_Rider]

Me too.

 

[ScaredCutter]

hah, i got semi mad at my dad today not because he was helping me turn my pc on but, i was scared he was going to joke around about opening up my discord messages, hes always joked about opening them on my pc or ipad and saying shit like "oooo, he sent u dick pics" or other dumb shit. it honestly irritates me. but, when i made it known i didnt want him to touch anything on my monitor, he got mad and said smth like "women these days" or whatever, making fun of me for how i react and feel towards something.

literally whats holding me back from even opening up because he always tlaks like this esp about ME, HIS DAUGHTER.

it feels so unfair, its like im purposely being humilated and embarrased to make him seem bigger than me. if i started crying after what he said, id just be made fun of for it and be told to stop being a bitch or something, something degrading and belittle my feelings. idk why my feelings are always disregarded and seen as nothing.

how can u believe someone who says they love and care about and wants to support u acts like this towards ur feelings, treating it like its a threat, like im trying to control something.

 

[ScaredCutter]

god so hopeless. this jealous feeling and feeling replaceable comes back because i keep seeing my bfs friends online :(. cant help it but feel like im always doing smth wrong. i always blame my apperance because i carry no beauty, what is wrong with me

 

[ScaredCutter]

omg. i believe its happening im being replaced, forgotten. im sad and anxious, i dont deserve to live. he prefers those people.over me. im not good enough, im a loser. im always imperfect and horrible. im nothing, im a husk of a human.

i can feel a lump in my thtoat, i want to cry, i want to tell my bf how i feel but it wont get better. ill cause another problem, its always waiting.

i believe those people are planning to have me replaced, they want him to stop loving me, to stop him from being in a relationship. i dont want those people around, i want them gone. its all happening and i cant do anything. im replaceable, thats all i am. hes all i jave.

someone wants to take him away from me. its happening and i know it.

theres nothing anymore, im not a human, im not desirable, im ugly.

i love him so much, so much that i cant bare seeing him with anybody else except family. i hate it when others talk to him, im too self centeeed and selfish but these feelings get to the besy of me.

i think he sees somwthing in them. im nothing, i have nothing to give. im useless.

im easily forgotten.

why am i even alive, i lost everyone in 2020, naybe im destined to be alone but, i love my bf im attached. i cant be seperated from him but i know hes drifiting from me, im not enough, im useless. i cant stop being an asshole, being imperfext and causing problems. i hate myself, i have no support, need reassurance but, cant find it.

theres nothing i can do, hes not messaging me so maybe its happening.

crying. im so scared, so afraid. i wish to do somwthing to myself but i csnt. im a coward, im weak.

please help :(