Venting i hate how i can't be a better person and be okay at the same time

[shadows_and_silence]

of course i couldn't keep myself relatively sane without my friends, and in that episode i literally lost one of my best friends and its horrible
i have no idea how I'm such a fuckup, this is the 4th friendship I've ruined with mental health issues and now i feel more alone than ever because i can't keep a healthy friendship to save my life
i always let people know that i ruin friendships always at the beginning of them and everyone says it won't happen but if course it always does
i don't know how I'm supposed to keep these friendships while getting better mentally because I'm either an asshole and a bad person because I'm not working on self improvement or I'm horrible with my mental health and it affects everyone around me. and i think I've obviously proven that i can't be alone without getting into an even worse position so at this point I'm basically doomed to be alone

 

[timf]

If you do things to sabotage friendships, you might look into why. Some who do this find that as a friendship grows closer or deeper it triggers a sort of panic reaction. It might be useful to reflect on if anything is being triggered and if it could be modified.

 

[Persik]

Any relationship is always a matter of two people, including friendship. It often happens that when we are rejected, it does not mean that there is something wrong with us... or rather, that the other person is not ready to accept us as we are at this moment, now. So be it, they will leave, new ones will come to replace them, in the end you will find (yes, I write this affirmatively) that person with whom you will share this life path, just live and do not worry about the fact that someone left you - this is exclusively his choice, not yours. It's just that here someone will be luckier or less lucky: someone finds a friend almost from childhood, and someone will have to endure the burden of loneliness before he meets a person. Everyone has their own path, everyone has their own struggle in this life. Do not close yourself off from further connections, because how do you know that in a week, for example, you will not meet a true friend? I will also support the answer from above a little: you should also think about it, analyze the situations of your relationships in order to understand and try to understand what led these relationships to such consequences. And those mistakes that you can correct, that you can work on, you need to correct. But do everything to the best of your ability. Be sure to know that love is never deserved, it is given just like that, no matter who we are.