Venting I hate being highly sensitive and being bad at making a good decision: me and my boyfriend

[meowmentous]

Please be warned that this is just a massive rant: a massive rant that is all ramble. I just need to get out my emotions, lol.

Haven't posted in a bit. But woke up today from a message from my boyfriend. Turns out, his family doesn't like me— his mom thinks I'm dead weight and his sister thinks I'm overly sensitive, so that's great.

Why, you may ask? Because I'm currently a cashier and when I went on vacation with them, I called my mom every day and cried at her once or twice. Because I was on a cruise ship, in the middle of the ocean. Going to other countries. I've never left the country before. I felt like I had a right to be a little anxious at that and wanting to check in on my pets and my family. I'm also just saving up money to go to college. He says he doesn't believe what they're saying, but he knows they're feeding it to him.

Speaking of college, then my boyfriend mentions he's going to move out of the state. Which sucks, because he knows that I'm almost about to accept going into a Radiography Tech program, which I've been wanting to do for about two years now. Where we'd be moving to, there'd be no open admissions in the area— and I just want to do the thing I see myself doing. That I believe I will love doing.

He already told me he'd break up with me if I don't move in with me. So I feel like a rock in a hard place.

But maybe I shouldn't really think about that knowing he forgot my birthday (not just that it was my birthday, but the date of it, saying he 'thought it was later'). And sometimes continues to misgender me (because even though I tell him to call me my legal name around my family, it still sometimes slips when we're alone, or even texting. I've been going by they/them pronouns for the entire time around him— and we've known each other for three years. Sometimes I feel like it's more just forgetting that I am not a girl, and less that he's forgetting that he's not around my family anymore).

I just don't know what to do. He knows I suffer from depression and anxiety, hence why I feel like my anxious calls to my mom are reasonable. Especially since I never went on a cruise before. Nor been out of the country. But his sister equated that with saying 'if I move in with him, will I be doing that every day?'. I don't know about you, but being in the middle of the ocean does not equate to being on land in the same country. Maybe I'm being irrational, lol. It does come with anxiety.

Also he's allergic to cats. I have one cat who is a senior. The only thing I ever expressed worry over moving was her, because she's elderly, and I'm her human. I've had her in my life for 10 years and I can't just leave her. And look, I get it: he's allergic. That's not what I'm upset about, you can't control allergies. It was him saying that he believes she'll be fine because his dogs, one of which is elderly, are okay while he's away at college. I get where he's coming from, I do! But I feel this way about my pet and as I said, I am her human. She only jumps on me, kneeds on me, lays on my bed, purr whenever I pet her. We've known each other for 10 years.

I don't know. Those last three paragraphs are too ranty, I know. I just don't know what to do to continue with my life and wanting to be a RadTech, if I don't CBT, lol. He knows about my suicidal ideation as well and has even had to talk me down. And also saying that if I don't get better he'd break up with me— which I get, but that did hurt in the moment when I was opening up to him, but that's besides the point. I just don't know if I take the chance and leave with him, or end this one+ year relationship. We've been to two concerts. He's slept over. I've been on a cruise with him. We've been to Disney and another amusement park. We've done so much together, and I originally planned on moving with him, but knowing this opportunity is in my grasps now, as I've had conversations with the admission advisor and got a tour of the place, and I already have one associates degree so I may not have to take an entrance exam nor will I have to pay as much… I don't know what to do. I just really don't know what to do, haha. Sorry this was so much.

 

[Roseate]

I'm going to be honest, his family not liking you is a major red sign and it's a sign you can't ignore. He says it doesn't matter to him or whatever but even if it doesn't, it will cause conflicts for you guys in the future. Secondly, him forgetting your birthday is another big red flags. It's another one you shouldn't ignore honestly. Then on top of that he wants to move to another state knowing about your plans… doesn't sound like he prioritizes you in his life when it comes to major life changes or even the little things. If it's like that now, imagine how bad it will be later on.. once you move.. you shouldn't give up your dream for a guy. It seems like maybe the relationship is over. Not to mention the misgendering and etc.

 

[meowmentous]

I'm going to be honest, his family not liking you is a major red sign and it's a sign you can't ignore. He says it doesn't matter to him or whatever but even if it doesn't, it will cause conflicts for you guys in the future. Secondly, him forgetting your birthday is another big red flags. It's another one you shouldn't ignore honestly. Then on top of that he wants to move to another state knowing about your plans… doesn't sound like he prioritizes you in his life when it comes to major life changes or even the little things. If it's like that now, imagine how bad it will be later on.. once you move.. you shouldn't give up your dream for a guy. It seems like maybe the relationship is over. Not to mention the misgendering and etc.

I'm late, but… yeah. That red flag definitely set me off. I don't plan to give up my dreams, though. It just hurts us all. But I'm probably staying here (as much as I hate where I live, the college I'm looking at is 5 minutes away from my house— super convenient!), but yeah. I'm worried about moving without being secure in where I'm going. If he wants to break up with me as a result… I understand, but a few days after I posted this, he did say he doesn't want me to move if it ruins my plans. I'm glad he understands that! It's just how I felt pressure made me feel eh.

His family and some of the things he's said towards me makes me ehhhh(?), but… we'll see where it takes me. But I do think my dreams lie where I am right now, with my current plans. ^^ Thank you for the comment, though, genuinely.

 

[Roseate]

I'm late, but… yeah. That red flag definitely set me off. I don't plan to give up my dreams, though. It just hurts us all. But I'm probably staying here (as much as I hate where I live, the college I'm looking at is 5 minutes away from my house— super convenient!), but yeah. I'm worried about moving without being secure in where I'm going. If he wants to break up with me as a result… I understand, but a few days after I posted this, he did say he doesn't want me to move if it ruins my plans. I'm glad he understands that! It's just how I felt pressure made me feel eh.

His family and some of the things he's said towards me makes me ehhhh(?), but… we'll see where it takes me. But I do think my dreams lie where I am right now, with my current plans. ^^ Thank you for the comment, though, genuinely.

Wait so you're still going to stay and see?

 

[SpanishLullaby]

I hate to say it but the writing is on the wall.

On the surface it appears you both are on the same page but from a priorities level you both definitely are not. One of you is ready to move and leave family. The other is not. There are a few other things I can read into but I won't just to keep this post short.

I wont reiterate what @Roseate said but I agree with most of that post.

If you have to decide b/w a cat and a human, the human is not important enough. I've seen this type of "decision" play out multiple times.

If you are not in a place where you are comfortable relying on your boyfriend or your anxiety is not in a place where you can manage it such that you are crying to your family daily on a vacation, I don't see you as being ready to move far away and being able to manage yourself and the relationship. This is not a criticism of you. There could be many reasons you are in that place. However I will focus on the reasons that have to do solely with the relationship. It doesnt seem that you have trust in this relationship or that it is supportive enough for you / of you.

The more each of you each rely on outside parties, and the more influence any outside parties have on this relationship, the least likely it is to survive; Periodt ESPECIALLY at your young ages and early life stages.

 

[Worndown]

As a cashier, you see people buy things. Sometimes they need to weigh the benefits and negatives in making a purchase.
Relationships are the same way.

You are here...but have things you want to do. Is he more important than those things? School, career and cat. Add a negative family and the points are not piling up in his favor.

My advice, go to school and make as much out of your life as possible.
There ARE other guys out there and you WILL meet them when the time is right for you.

 

[meowmentous]

I hate to say it but the writing is on the wall.

On the surface it appears you both are on the same page but from a priorities level you both definitely are not. One of you is ready to move and leave family. The other is not. There are a few other things I can read into but I won't just to keep this post short.

I wont reiterate what @Roseate said but I agree with most of that post.

If you have to decide b/w a cat and a human, the human is not important enough. I've seen this type of "decision" play out multiple times.

If you are not in a place where you are comfortable relying on your boyfriend or your anxiety is not in a place where you can manage it such that you are crying to your family daily on a vacation, I don't see you as being ready to move far away and being able to manage yourself and the relationship. This is not a criticism of you. There could be many reasons you are in that place. However I will focus on the reasons that have to do solely with the relationship. It doesnt seem that you have trust in this relationship or that it is supportive enough for you / of you.

The more each of you each rely on outside parties, and the more influence any outside parties have on this relationship, the least likely it is to survive; Periodt ESPECIALLY at your young ages and early life stages.

Yeah. I get what you're saying.
For most of my family, I AM ready to leave. It just would hurt more to leave my mom— as she's the only one who isn't… well, like everyone else in my family for the most part. I'm ready to leave my dad and brother, but I get where you're coming from. Especially the situation with my cat. I know this can sadly be a common thing that people want others to leave behind.

My anxiety is at a place where it's hard to manage, but it was genuinely over-exaggerated when it was at the point where I was 'crying every day' while on vacation. I definitely did cry once or twice— I get it, I'm anxious— but that exaggeration from his sister just gets under my skin a bit. But I cannot deny the fact that I am anxious: severely so. Social, general, etc.

Thank you for not criticizing me, even though someone definitely could, and I'd understand why. But the words mean a lot. I do definitely have faith in the relationship, but the support structure? Is sometimes hard to feel. He tries though, but it's hard for me to get into. This is already long enough. But I know I'm young in life. And you're right. But there are definitely some real things his family and him himself have said, but exaggerated it a lot more. But that's beside the point.

I'm rambling at this point, haha.
Thank you for comment though, genuinely. Sorry for the late reply, I've been sick.

As a cashier, you see people buy things. Sometimes they need to weigh the benefits and negatives in making a purchase.
Relationships are the same way.

You are here...but have things you want to do. Is he more important than those things? School, career and cat. Add a negative family and the points are not piling up in his favor.

My advice, go to school and make as much out of your life as possible.
There ARE other guys out there and you WILL meet them when the time is right for you.

As mentioned, I have been sick and still am— so sorry for the late reply.

Funnily enough, I'm a cashier too. I don't remember if I mentioned it in my original post? But I'm very sleepy right now, so I just want to type these out before I rest a bit.

But you're right. Most points aren't piling up. Most of my family is— not great. As mentioned above, it's mainly my mom: because she's my only good family member, LOL! So, yeah. Surprised he would kind of agree with his sister at first even though he knows the situation. She doesn't, though, so it's not like I can fault her that much. She doesn't know that my brother nor father have been abusive. I won't get into that here, if that's okay.

But yeah, no, I definitely plan on going to school no matter what. There are other people out there if anything goes awry… we'll just see where this leads me.

Wait so you're still going to stay and see?

Which leads me to this reply:

Yes, I will be staying unless this + all other opportunities dry up. I don't want to leave this opportunity behind if I'm actually able to do it, it's too much to lose and leave.

Being severely depressed and suicidal does put a dent in me thinking this will even be possible— but, I hope to try! Just to see if it's worth it. I want to try.

So yes, I'll be staying. Thank you all.