Venting i get sick thinking about how the people in my life will react to my death

[waqs]

i plan to CTB sometime next year if things go correctly and im able to get SN, but when those thoughts on how i wish to go about it i feel nauseous thinking about how my family will react. i wish these was a way i could warn them before i do it and them not stopping me but i know that would never be true. i know im a burden to them but i know the still care enough about me to do the bare minimum, and my sister loves me. i know it would ruin the family and i feel guilty for wanting to die in the first place. its (mostly) not their fault im like this, why should they have to suffer because im selfish? i dont want them to be sad, like i have been for so long.

 

[itsgone2]

Yes. It's horrific. I'm not sure what to do about it though.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i'm gonna die in december because i get extremely depressed in january. i have no intention to reenroll in college or doing anything with anyone in the new year. i feel guilty that i'm not isolating from my friends more or choosing to lay in bed until the time comes. i just don't want to feel so bored while i wait for my time to come around. i keep on wishing that i'd just die sooner to save people the trouble of caring about me in the present moment. i don't deserve anyone's care if i'm just going to drop dead.

when those thoughts on how i wish to go about it i feel nauseous thinking about how my family will react

i figure that will be very expected by my family, since i'm the most moody one besides my mom, who tweaks out over everything. i guess there's some comfort in it being predictable. in moments of crisis i screamed that i was going to do it and that i planned on doing it, and i felt like an even bigger coward for not being able to hang myself on those nights. they might hear the convulsions in my room anyway, so i need to do it outside.

every morning i think about how i didn't commit suicide last night, even though i could've and i wouldn't have the face the morning sun in my curtain. what i like the most about my days is eventually being able to sleep, even if i feel sad that i have to wake up again. i slept at 3 am last night because i was up too late and stayed on my phone to avoid thinking.

i have an older sister and an older brother. i'm the youngest. i see myself as disposable because i'm the youngest—compared to my sister, who would never kill herself because she has so many friends and goals. she knows that i want to do it, but not how severe it is and that i think about it every day. my older brother doesn't know me. i've never held a conversation with him since we were kids, because he's nonverbal. me and my sister are close but not that close, because she's always away at college and i never hang out with her unless she's at home. i'm probably discounting the importance i have in my family, but i've always just felt like a ghost hovering around and lacking meaning. one of my biggest fantasies is that when i die, i simply cease to exist. it's one of the thoughts that help me sleep at night. i know that everyone's family will mourn them, but i hope mine forgets me quickly.

 

[deadmanwalking1990]

We have the same problem i wish i didnt care but i cant

 

[Pale_Rider]

Yeah. That's probably the hardest part about ctb. Last time I was estranged with my family. Was a lot easier. I was able to cut them out of the equation.