DeeDog
Member
- Oct 13, 2024
- 10
I read my diary from 4 years ago. It was kind of weird. It's got all the hallmarks of an edgy 14-15, everything I thought was poetic or profound comes off as suuuuuper cringy now, but it was a genuinely interesting read. School dramas, genuinely funny stories, and super unimportant things I'd be super worried about. It also sorta reminded me how long I've felt this way. I would talk about suicide or SH like every single entry. I had decided on a method, and even tried to hang myself, failing miserably. I had kind of forgotten about all that. I kinda forgot that this has all been going on for so long. It's hard to pin down when it started.
There was one thing I said that sorta stuck with me. "I'm fine today, but that's not going to be the case in 5 years." Even then, I understood that things were only ever going to get worse. Feel harder. I feel just as alone, just as self-loathing, and just as miserable. If not worse. This was the period of time when I would literally cry into my pillow until I exhausted myself into sleep, even though id "cry for no real reason".
After that one attempt though I never tried anything. I just stayed. I think the most commonly used phrase in that book was "I'm still here". I always expected the strength to ctb to just return one day. 'Tomorrow I'll be ready, tomorrow I'll do this and that' but I never was. I'm still not. I think about it every day, but still don't have the guts to go through with it. I think that makes me a coward, but I'm not sure.
The difference between the first (13/06/21) and last (06/03/23) entries is kind of crazy. By 2023 a lot of the sadness I had had turned to anger. I straight up address the person reading, who I think I expected to be my family or friends, and blame them for my death. I think I sh and then intentionally bleed on the last page. It's weird, I think while I still feel just as bad, a lot of that anger has subsided. I try not to lash out at people anymore, I did that a lot.
As much as I want to put distance between me at that person that was literally like 2.5 years ago lol. I don't feel as actively angry or miserable as I seem to use to, it all just feels more hopeless now. Before, it was as if there was a way out of the way that I felt, just out of reach, and that's where all the frustration came from. These days I'm just way more lethargic in general, like I'm just waiting to be dead. I probably tired myself out with all that emotion haha. I think I feel more consistently terrible, but not as low as my lows used to be. That's something, I guess.
There was one thing I said that sorta stuck with me. "I'm fine today, but that's not going to be the case in 5 years." Even then, I understood that things were only ever going to get worse. Feel harder. I feel just as alone, just as self-loathing, and just as miserable. If not worse. This was the period of time when I would literally cry into my pillow until I exhausted myself into sleep, even though id "cry for no real reason".
After that one attempt though I never tried anything. I just stayed. I think the most commonly used phrase in that book was "I'm still here". I always expected the strength to ctb to just return one day. 'Tomorrow I'll be ready, tomorrow I'll do this and that' but I never was. I'm still not. I think about it every day, but still don't have the guts to go through with it. I think that makes me a coward, but I'm not sure.
The difference between the first (13/06/21) and last (06/03/23) entries is kind of crazy. By 2023 a lot of the sadness I had had turned to anger. I straight up address the person reading, who I think I expected to be my family or friends, and blame them for my death. I think I sh and then intentionally bleed on the last page. It's weird, I think while I still feel just as bad, a lot of that anger has subsided. I try not to lash out at people anymore, I did that a lot.
As much as I want to put distance between me at that person that was literally like 2.5 years ago lol. I don't feel as actively angry or miserable as I seem to use to, it all just feels more hopeless now. Before, it was as if there was a way out of the way that I felt, just out of reach, and that's where all the frustration came from. These days I'm just way more lethargic in general, like I'm just waiting to be dead. I probably tired myself out with all that emotion haha. I think I feel more consistently terrible, but not as low as my lows used to be. That's something, I guess.
