Venting I feel worse and worse about them every day.

[SenelXamano]

I can't stop thinking about them. fuck them honestly. I know it was delusional to like him and its horrible to hate them together but fuck them. I'm genuinley so fucking jealous of her. Shes also my best friend but I'm honestly kind of relieved when shes not in vc with us. I hate them together. I hate the fucking loud mouths that had to tell him that she liked him. I fucking hate her. She was looking at her phone the other night and I saw she had him as her background. She's reposting lovey dovey videos on tiktok that are forced into my fyp. She has a fucking couples playlist with 107 songs and is 5 1/2 hours long. I honestly have almost relapsed into cutting myself everyday the past 3 weeks. I've never wanted to drink or smoke to get rid of the pain until now. It's never going to get better, this feeling. I'm never going to stop feeling this way about him. about them. about her. I feel anger when I talk to her. I feel hate when i see their fucking stupid couply shit. I feel sad when i talk to him. I wish I'd attempted much sooner. I wish I died ages ago. I wish I did push everyone away so I leave without anyone fucking caring. But he's all I fucking think about. Even a day without talking to him upsets me. My life is fucking pointless now. It's not that I only lived with hope that we'd be together its about just being there with him. I noticed now after they started dating he seems to ignore me talking sometimes. Other than that they both havent changed at all which honestly is hurting me even more. I wish no one told me. I wish no one told him. I wish her little brother and his half brother weren't such fucking loud mouths. I'm going to get worse and I'm going to relapse eventually. If it really does go that far I genuinely might go through with my plan. make them all hate me. make them all wish i was dead. make them not care about me at all. I love him. he's perfect, he's the coolest person I know. Part of me wishes I never introduced them again. I never feel okay. every escape from reality I had doesn't work anymore. I'm always thinking about them. always have him on my mind. Fucking delusional. No one will ever be as perfect as he is to me and I know that. It hurts so fucking bad. I hate them I hate them I hate seeing the photos she posts of herself I hate the profiles she has I hate her I hate him i hate them. I hate his half brother I hate her little brother. I hate them all. All I feel thinking about them about everyone is fucking hate. I fucking hate them. I hate them all. I hate how when she told me she said "didn't know if anyone would be upset abt it or sum, and bc he's ur best friend" It was like a fucking knife already stabbed me then she twisted it. Her little brother. "(His brothers gf) dropped the bomb, on his brother telling him, and the thing is they both said He was happy about it" I didn't know what he was talking about. her little brother told me on the 19th. His half brother made a joke about "no gooning! you've got a girlfriend now!" on the 20th and on the 21st she told me. They're all apart of it. and they're all so fucking happy for them. I can't fucking stand it. I almost want to feel worse so I have a reason to leave. And I genuinely wish they'd break up, but i know they won't and even if, it wouldn't be any time soon. im sick of seeing them Im sick of pretending im okay infront of them Im sick of fucking feeling this way. Im so fucking sick of it all. I can't fucking do anything without thinking of him. I couldn't do anything without thinking of him. now all i think about is them. I don't think theres a reason for me to stay here. I'm just bringing them down. and honestly leaving would benifit everyone. My little cousin gets my laptop and phone, he hasnt' had one of his own in over a year, my mother wouldn't have to worry about me not being employed or getting mad at her. my brother would finally get the silence he wants. she wouldn't have to worry about me while i at the same time can't tell her why I'm so upset all the time. I would finally stop annoying him everytime i'm in vc, and his half brother would probably be relieved that he doesn't have to listen to me vent anymore. The friend I don't talk too much would finally stop having to force conversations with me because i'm bad at talking one on one. my mother wouldn't have to waste money on a name change or other id shit or my travel to vancover island for top surgery if that ever even can fucking happen. I'm a fucking burden to them all especially now. I feel like theres nothing fucking left for me. theres nothing left for me to do here. All i fucking lived for was for them and now i can't help but feel upset every time i talk or hang out with them. He waited for her. we were all on call late and he wanted to go to bed, but he waited for her. something he'd never do for me, or his brother. or before they were dating, her. I hate them i hate them ifucking hate them i cant fucking stand them. I hate all the little things I notice. I hate how i can't help myself but to look deeper. I just keep finding more reasons to feel like shit.