Venting i feel so fucking lost

[uboa.rust]

i hate how it's been years and years of feeling this shitty, having terrible luck and constantly ending up in the worst situations possible all to just forget it all. i wish i could remember things that happened in the past because MAYBE then i could have some connection to ANYTHING, but i feel like i wander around without any attachment to the world, to my life. it feels like i'm in purgatory, my brain's just shut off and i'm walking around for no reason at all.

i don't know how to even explain how i feel to anybody anymore because it's become so fucking complicated and overwhelming that i don't know where to start. all i know is that the ONLY way i could have any peace is if i was an entirely different person at all. it feels like i'm fundamentally incompatible with existence, like i'm not supposed to be here and i'm supposed to be dead.

i wish i could feel safe for once and tell someone all of this without being scared. i have something close to this now, but i have crippingly low self esteem to the point where if she's gone for a couple of hours i start feeling like i'm going insane. i wish i had a lifeline that actually came internally instead of having to constantly rely on people, who are always unreliable no matter what they say.

this probably sounds like completely disconnected incoherent ranting but i genuinely can't formulate a way to articulate it all. it's too much. i wish i wasn't sober so fucking bad right now

 

[Hollowman]

It doesn't sound incoherent. I can relate.

 

[Unlucky777]

i can relate also. it is very coherent, i feel utterly lost also. i can't describe the feeling to anyone as no one really understands but the best word to describe everything i feel i "lost", utterly lost in shit hole planet

 

[saltspoon8]

Yeah I'm in the same boat. I've had two, almost three years of just the worst luck and constant shit situations that I've been pulling myself out of. I've been in survival mode and persevered through so much that I'm at my complete breaking point. This past three weeks I've completely shut down in a way I never have before. I feel complete stuck and lost too.