Venting I feel so empty

[borderliner]

I was finally doing so good. And suddenly, in just one day everything changed. Suddenly, I can't eat because my body rejects any type of food, I can barely drink water because I feel like I'm about to throw up everytime. I can't sleep. At all. Everytime I close my eyes the only thing I can see is him when he cheated on me. Everytime I'm not actively distracting myself, the extreme overthinking starts and I feel like breaking down again. I look in the mirror and I cannot recognise myself due to how empty and numb I look. I know that reflection isn't truly me, because the real me is always energetic, full of different emotions, positive or not. Now all I see is a living corpse, that's the only way I can describe it. Fuck having BPD. I do love myself – at least most of the time – and I know that I do not deserve this. However, I cannot keep going through stuff like this. Everytime I get better, everytime I finally think I have a chance in life, something like that happens and I am genuinely tired of it. I can barely get out of bed, and everytime I force myself to eat so I don't worry others my body rejects it because of how truly depressed I feel. I am also currently in the middle of moving out, and I don't think I can do this. I don't even have the motivation to ctb, so I genuinely don't know what to do at the moment. I just feel so lost, I miss my actual self.