I feel safe on these forums

[theuninstallbutton]

I know, the title sounds strange. I'm mentally ill. I used to be forced into therapy from age 12 to 14, I think I was diagnosed with depression but I don't remember much. I blocked it all out from my head. I'm 20, and I feel even more shitty than how I felt as a teenager. I think I'm emotionally stunted to that of a moody 16 year old.

I block people often. I push them away. They of course get pissed off at my immature and annoying behavior. They don't really understand why I feel this way or act this way, I don't either. I will end up alone, and I'd rather ctb than just continue on. I'm failing a class in my college and it's stressing me out. I feel so shitty. The professor isn't even helpful, no matter how many times I reach out to her. My being lgbt ruined my life, my family will never accept me. My birth was an error, I wish my mother got an abortion. I wish she never conceived me. I wish I never have to feel the pain of my eventual suicide. I'm too much of a pussy to do it yet, not only because it'll hurt, but because if I fail then I will be a useless vegetable, stuck in this horrendous body until my actual death. I can't do this. I wish suicide was easy and painless.

I wish conversion therapy was still a thing, that will solve half of my issues. I wish I were a normal and straight person.

Sorry, I'm just rambling.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for all your pain in your life. I hope somehow it gets better for you.

 

[OhItsZemblanity]

There is an odd sense of comfort here, reading through all of these posts and responses on SS. Much of it is calming, in a way. I felt it immediately when I first found this forum almost 24 hour ago.

I can't really begin to imagine your pain as I couldn't be considered a member of the LGBTQ community, but I hope you keep feeling that sensation of safety here. Having one place that you can feel comfortable can definitely be a boon in these fucked up times.