Discussion I feel peaceful and tired

[Hagi_Im]

Hi everyone, I wanted to share my thoughts with someone because I used to only write and talk to myself. I have been living with suicidal thoughts for 5 years now and in that time I have tried to take the bus 3 times and failed. Basically I am one big pile of shit, so many horrible things have happened and I have done so many horrible things. If I go into detail this post will be very long so I will keep it short. Because of me the girl who loved me committed CTB. I was in 8th grade at the time and I was inexperienced, weak and pathetic. I still can't forgive myself for that. I left her alone, didn't realize she wanted me around. Memories of those days bring me sadness and longing. My mother said she wanted to have an abortion. And now I owe everyone because I was born and I am wasting my parents' resources. I was hurt because I thought I was wanted, but it turned out I was just a mistake. Although my mother doesn't remember saying such things and denies it, saying that she loves me, I still can't forget. Now I'm 22, I have a tumor, vision problems, it's hard for me to work every year, everyone hopes for me, and it's bitter. And these are not even half of the mistakes I made. I don't cry or complain to my friends or loved ones, because I see and know that they have their own problems and it's hard for them. All I can do is be sad and remember those days when everything was fine. Now I'm preparing for CTB and finishing what I need to do. Sorry if it suddenly turned out chaotic, I have so many thoughts and memories that it's hard to organize them logically.