I feel like most people on this site blame themselves for things that aren't their fault

[Sadbanana]

So many people here say, that they are a failure and they caused everything bad that happened to them and are a burden.

In many cases this just isn't true. So many people just have bad circumstances that they have no power over.

For example most of my problems were caused by me being autistic with adhd.
But it's not my fault, I didn't sign a consent to be born this way. I could blame myself for every cringe thing I said, that ruined my relationships. Or everytime I got an anxiety attack and had to leave without being able to explain what is wrong to others. Or when I forgot to make a homework, I could just think that I'm simply lazy and hate myself for it.

But after learning more about Autism and ADHD, more I learned that these things are actually common struggles and are very, very difficult to manage and it's a miracle I managed to finish one of the hardest school in my region with all these disadvantages.

Maybe it's because of my neurodivergence, but I never internalized all the insults and complaints others had about me. Becuase even though I felt shame at the moment, something deeper in my just knew that what these people say is just absolute bullshit, crafted by their limited perspective of me.

The shame is there to protect us from being socially ostracized and we would feel shame even if what we did was 100% correct, the feeling of shame would activate if others didn't see it in that way. But that doesn't mean we actually have to believe it.

So many people just internalize the voices of their abusers in their head. And it's not just abusers, but this whole toxic culture we pass onto each other. We celebrate overt humbleness as if it was some platonic ideal we should strive forward.
Children learn that when we look really ashamed after doing something "wrong", then they are less likely to punish us harshly, so we act until we forget we are acting. When we have low status we learn that self depricating humor keeps are safer from bullying. It's just disgusting.

Constantly retrigring this shame over and over. Insulting yourself in your head for every little thing you do wrong. But it just serves no use, it's simply keeping yourself in hell.

 

[R. A.]

It is a victory of our oppressors if we fail to hold them accountable; doubly so if we are convinced that "it had to be this way".

 

[mushi]

this is a very nice post, thank you for sharing. I agree with you. it also makes me sad that so many people feel the same way I feel and blame themselves for everything. Maybe it's just the human condition. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It's hard when you spend every day not liking yourself or feeling like you're not enough. it's hard when you see people living the life you wish you had.

 

[amerie]

I've always believed that the concept of the "victim mentality" is a way to prevent marginalized people from revolting about their circumstances.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I'm one of the rare ones that doesn't blame himself for things that aren't his fault. I try to look at things in the most realistic way possible. It was not my fault that I got chronic pain. My body just started degrading and aging faster than other people my age. It was not my fault that I was born with Asperger's, and because of it I lived my entire life in isolation, with no friends and no love life.

I don't hate myself, because I'm not a bad person. I hate my awful circumstances and bad luck in life.

 

[Sadbanana]

I've always believed that the concept of the "victim mentality" is a way to prevent marginalized people from revolting about their circumstances.

Can't agree more.

 

[grandmotherboxing]

Determinism can be liberating sometimes.

 

[EmptyBottle]

Mmm, this is a quite important post, wish more people realise this.

Also, with careful reading between the lines of a self-loathing vent ... an external cause may reveal itself.

Eg "why can't I be liked" can translate to "A few others were being rude today, and before".

But, while my comprehension is moderate... there are probably comprehension experts who can clue in on every little word and typo... (eg... a raise in typo rates can suggest tiredness, etc)

 

[burdentoeveryone]

it's very true and i think it's an important post. in my case though, on a purely rational level, i realise that i'm not at fault for many things that happened to me. but in reality it doesn't change anything. i feel guilty for everything i do or not do. i feel guilty for leaving the house because people don't deserve to have to look at me. but then people say that i should just get my life together and i feel guilty for not leaving the house. it's like this with everything. i feel like i'm never enough, and like i'm always at fault, sometimes i don't even know what for but i just know that in every moment of my life i'm doing something wrong and i'm a bad person. there's no way out, i've been like this since i can remember. i feel extremely guilty for wanting to ctb, but at least after i do i won't be able to cause anyone any more harm.

 

[Mooncry]

I blame myself for everything because I don't want to be the type of person who blames all of their issues and hardships on others. The downside to that is when it actually is the fault of someone else, or some external factor out of my control—I still blame myself regardless. Despite how destructive it is to me, I'd honestly rather it be that way than to be someone who never takes accountability. I'll tear myself down until the day I die before I blame someone else for my failures.

And this doesn't have anything to do with anything, but hello fellow AuDHD person! Sorry you have to deal with this too.