Venting I feel like I'm spiraling down again, and I can't warn anyone.

[shinitai_sh0jo]

Stuff have been difficult recently. I haven't been taking the best decisions and it seems like they stain even more on the few relationships that I have left.

My medication is running out, but I feel like whether I buy/take it or not makes no difference. I just feel it's easier to hide the horrible feeling I have in my chest, like something is pulling and tearing from the inside.

I'm scared of breaking down like I did last year and doing something irreversible. But at the same time, I know I've already got to the point of burdening my family with my problems—Since I've been struggling with depression and thoughts about unaliving myself it has been six or five years.

It's visible that they don't have as much patience anymore. Plus, I'm not a child anymore, so...

I'm afraid I've become a chipped cog, one that doesn't do its job properly and ends up scratching the others while trying to turn.

And at the same time I still have things I want to do, like getting into college and stuff, I.. feel like I'm just trying to find stuff to distract myself. Like I'm just delaying the inevitable.

 

[I Me & Myself]

That does sound scary. Voicing it, even here, is probably a very good step. Better than just keeping it locked up.

Finding something to distract yourself is nothing bad, especially if you are ambivalent about committing suicide. No one knows if it is inevitable. But you probably are closer to the answer than anyone else.

I'm sure you know starting college is not a fix all I'll be super happy solution. But I can tell you from experience that it could very well positively surprise you. I don't want to make you false hope either tho.

I respect that you don't want to hurt anyone, look out for others and their "patience for you" while hurting. The chipped cog metaphor stuck with me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

From what you've said, I wonder if it would be better to warn them before you break down. It may be hard for them but ultimately- they are your family. It is their responsibility to be there for you. And, if they truly feel they can't be- maybe they could assist in getting some outside support. You mentioned meds. Are you attending therapy or anything?

I think stuff like- noticing you have made some unwise decisions lately actually shows you are self aware and at least conscious of your behaviour. I'd say that was the first step in taking responsibility for it- noticing that when you get in certain moods, you make unwise choices. If at that stage- you could ask someone for help- maybe that would help overall?

I kind of get the whole desire to suffer in silence and not trouble anyone but if it eventually leads to an entire meltdown- I just think prior warning is actually necessary in the longer run. And, probably better for them. Isn't it kind of better to say: Things feel like they are about to go wrong- rather than- Everything has already gone wrong?