I feel like I dug a pretty deep hole and was wondering if anyone can relate (forgiveness)

[RoadtoFreedomTwo]

Hey all,

First time positing in the "Recovery" section - my excuse is being intoxicated and allowing myself to entertain theoreticals/options, ya know? Explains the poor title too lol.

Anyways, here's part of circumstances that began at the start of this year through now in which I find myself after being 100% certain I was going to CTB:
- Withdrew 401((k), wanna say $32K for context
- Quit my job on the spot after being in corporate America for a decade
- Been vibe traveling basically, doing whatever I want whenever. There's been a lot of depression in there, don't get me wrong. But just allowing myself to DoorDash or try mutiple things on a menu, for example. There's been some luxury AirBnB stays and whatnot. As a result —>
- Maxed out all my credit cards, one of which I opened with the purpose and intent of spending and not paying back. In total it's probably $60K+
- Medical debt after an ER visit (no insurance, could be an easy waive) around $20K

But I think the reason for the post, most importantly, was me ghosting and being a total asshole to everyone in my life for years, but definitely extra so especially for the last year being of wanting to CTB. It's so much easier to cut people off than try to fake you're fine. So I'm wondering -

TL;DR: For those of you that dug a deep hole and hurt basically every person in your life, did they forgive you after you came clean about wanting to CTB? Or how did it go?

I've had a privileged life and am curious if, after sleeping on it, I decide to continue onward for the time being, what's going to happen next? I'd want to come completely clean about being suicidal and then be instantly forgiven for any and all actions against everyone and everytihing… but how is it actually going to go? Like I just want help and for it to be easy to reintegrate into society basically, but America's a fucking joke.

Thanks, y'all
R2F2

 

[Dejected 55]

I didn't try taking out credit cards... but when I lost my job last year and started heading towards the bottom mentally, I just didn't care. I made my money last as long as I could... got about a year and a half out of my savings... but then my suicide failed back in October and I've been really lost and unsure how to proceed. So I get you.

 

[RoadtoFreedomTwo]

It's not like Capital One would just forgive my debt because I was going to CTB lol. I wish it worked like that, like I was just being reckless, aren't you just happy I'm alive?

I had a 750-800 credit score for so long, not that I care about it or it has value, but certainly matters to a degree. So funny to think of the total metal time spent on that, every decision I made, etc

 

[I Me & Myself]

In my experience you won't be instantly forgiven, but I think you know that. Being suicidal is a symptom of many other hardships, which are a *reason* for your behaviour, but not an *excuse*.

You had your reasons for cutting them off. And that's okay. But what you need to do when coming clean is admit fault and responsibility. Then you will be forgiven.

When I recontacted someone I cut off (and severely hurt with that) it took a while to rebuild trust. He was coincedentally also struggling with similar thoughts, so he could relate a bit and I think that made it easier for him to forgive me. But he did forgive me.

Try reaching out again and coming clean, I am very supportive of that plan. It'll be harsh at first but people will forgive you, even if it comes with labor on your and their side to rebuild trust. Even if it may not be 100% of people.

 

[RoadtoFreedomTwo]

Thank you

 

[OliverGarden]

Seconding what the other guy said! Don't make forgiveness a destination. Just do your best to remind that person why they liked you to begin with. It'll be really hard to see the person you love be so distant at first, so don't be hard on yourself and take breaks when it feels like too much to handle. You're a beautiful person that deserves so much love and care. Every embrace, and caress, and warmth... you deserve to feel like there's a way forward to true happiness. I hope you can feel like that as if it were second nature to you, eventually.

Be well. <3