i feel like a piece of shit for wanting to do a half assed attempt instead of a real one

[monetpompo]

laid in bed all afternoon. went out onto my patio for a little bit, then went back inside once the sun came out too much. i feel like a loser, bummer, and a slob. living with my parents and having no life of my own really drains me. i don't feel like eating when i'm at home because i don't know how to cook and i don't want my mom to bother me in the living room. i feel ashamed of myself when i think of how other people i know were able to pick up jobs or are still attending their college. i keep wanting to cut everyone off because i just feel like no one should want to care about me, and then i want to be reassured that the people around me do care about me even though i'm the one pushing people away. it's hard to stay on good terms with people because i'm always self destructing.

i've been thinking about what i can do in my situation. non methods like running into the road or downing a bunch of otc medicine sound easy and that's why they don't work. i'll just have my organs messed up by otc medicine and i could become paralyzed or disabled after being hit by a car. all the lakes in houston are have duck poop and algae in them, so drowning outside would suck. i keep trying to map out a method in my head so i can feel a sense of comfort, the way i used to when i thought hanging would be easy. now all i do is complain about how hard hanging is to do.

sometimes it feels nice to cover my eyes with my hands and pretend i'm actually dead. it helps me fall asleep from time to time. hanging or jumping are the only methods that seem like they won't inconvenience people around me. it's tiring to think about suicide so often only to be met with the notion that i need the resources to be able to do it. living after a half assed suicide attempt doesn't make you feel any stronger or braver. all it really makes you want to do is succeed and not have to try to do it a second time. it would all make sense if i was just dead already. i don't know why i'm still here. i feel like i'm bothering everyone in my life by not succeeding with my last fsh attempt.

i don't want anyone to believe in me and i don't want to be told that all my problems can be fixed. i just want people to expect me to be dead at this point. i feel guilty that i'm still seen as a good person when i feel like depressed loser garbage. i hate the days where i roll around in bed feeling sorry for myself but never want to get up to do anything else. i'd rather keep sleeping.

 

[Cauliflour]

damn...i want to say something but i don't know what but it would feel wrong to just leave you in your thoughts alone considering i see you post here quite a bit.

living after a half assed suicide attempt doesn't make you feel any stronger or braver. all it really makes you want to do is succeed and not have to try to do it a second time

In my case it just made my self hatred worse, i wish i had an increase in determination like you.

 

[monetpompo]

damn...i want to say something but i don't know what but it would feel wrong to just leave you in your thoughts alone considering i see you post here quite a bit.

there's no need to leave a comment if you don't know what to say to me. there's plenty of posts i read that i don't leave comments on because i don't have anything to say to them, even if i empathize with them. in some ways, i feel guilty that i post so often since people are seeing me write the same things with no resolution to any of my problems. that's basically how the people in my life feel watching me spiral and ignore them. it's no big deal if you have nothing to say. no one should leave a comment just because they feel bad for me.

In my case it just made my self hatred worse, i wish i had an increase in determination like you.

my self hatred has increased after failing since i realized it doesn't matter whether i attempt or not, it only matters once i'm dead. my determination is going nowhere since i still don't have access to a ctb location without my license.