Venting I don’t want to have to deal with it…

[Mooncry]

Why did I have to be born? Now I'm forced against my will to have to deal with death. Whether I like it or not, if I don't want to spend the next 50+ years trapped living a life I hate, I'll have to muster up the courage to end it. There's no way around it. There's no avoiding it. Death will come for me either way—the only difference is when. And I'm a firm believer in quality > quantity, and I'll never enjoy nor be grateful for my life. I've "stuck it out" long enough to be absolutely sure of that.

I just don't want to deal with it… I don't want to face it. It's why I procrastinate so damn hard on taking my SN. Why can't someone just grab me and force it down my throat so that I don't have to do it myself? Why can't I just fall asleep tonight and not wake up, completely unaware?

This has to be Hell… If I somehow did something to deserve this, I've learned my lesson. I just want it to end, but I can't make myself do it. I guess I must love to suffer. There's no other explanation. Fuck being a conscious creature on this stupid ball in the middle of an infinite, empty void. Why couldn't I have been born as a bird or a mouse or something? Anything but this…

 

[quietwoods]

My favorite thing would be to have a dispenser with 30-180 pills (however long you want). One of those pills, if taken, would mean you wouldn't wake up the next morning, just slip away in your sleep.

You wouldn't know which night, all the other pills would be placebos. Just keep living your life until the real pill happens to be dispensed one night.

Alas, it's not to be.

 

[sambrosia]

I related to this post a lot, as I've wanted to CTB since I was a child, but paradoxically I'm still terrified of death. Sigh. Yeah, the human condition, being born just to deal with death.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I deeply relate, and you might relate to this blog post that talks about this same subject too: https://kefkaponders.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/thoughts-on-suicide-fear-and-life/

My favourite excerpt:

I think what I hate most of all is having to deal with all of this in the first place. I don't want to have to deal with suicide. I don't want to have to deal with death. But I must because I have something else I have to deal with, something I never wanted to deal with, something I wish I never had: life.

But, oh, how I so do not want to deal with any of this! I want to be spared from life, but in order to do that I must face suicide. However, I also want to be spared from suicide. But if I turn from suicide, I'm back to facing life!

Suicide seems like the better deal. It's certainly shorter in duration. And that aspect makes this debate seem so simple. However, every ounce of my instinct cries out, "Don't do it! Stay alive! Stay alive at all costs!" To which, internally, I reply, "Why?" But these cries supply no reasons for they cannot. They stem from a mindless drive to persist. I can push them aside through further questioning, yet still they shout. Is it fear that halts me and makes me listen? I honestly don't know. All I know is that they're not easy to ignore.

But neither are my own anguished pleas. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. I simply do not want to be. And I don't have to be. This can all stop. Go. Just get this over with.

 

[kitkat9234]

I feel the same. Hugs to you.