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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,965
The longer attend my classes, the worse does my depression and suicidality get. I might could do one semester but certainly not the 6 semester I would need for my degree.

I have bipolar, psychosis and autism with very high neuroticism and perfectionism.
I feel like an imposter all the time. Like a total failure and loser. I cannot take this much longer.

I felt so much better without college. I already forgot how it feels to be at peace.

College is not a human condition with my Issues. And I am pretty sure barely anyone would do this (at least in the West) I did 5 semesters. It is not like I have low self-discipline. I lost 35 kg within 1 year, did not eat sweets for a decade, I am hungry almost all the time. My GPA at school Was almost perfect. And in college too. But this... I rather kill myself than to endure this.

I met my friends today. It was good. It should distract me from worrying and all the overwhelming sorrows. But I am not at peace. My heart rate is insanely high. When I am particpating in class my whole body shakes and my heart rate goes through the roof. Even when I am only considering to say something. I wonder whether others might notice me shaking. I got one cheeky comment once but Idgf tbh.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. All the therapists only pressured me to keep going.

I have done 3 weeks. And I feel so much worse. I need to take addictive medication again. It is all a house of cards. The semester is I think 15 weeks. I am not sure whether I will quit. A part of me says suicide is better than being a quitter. But I am a nursing case and get money for that. It might be enough to survive. It is a gamble but college brings me nothing except deep psychological torment and suicide.

I have the feeling something huge had to happen so that I quit. Getting called out for using AI. I think this would make me cry. And would fuel my suicidality. But it might be enough to give me the courage to quit.

It is interesting I am in panic all the time to get caught. Which is irrational because it seems unlikely. And I worried so much that I came to the conclusion that maybe the thing I feared the most might be a good thing.

I once started a training in Germany you can get easily get fired within the first 3 months. The mental agony Was insane. I had major depression and working made everything so much worse. I Was fired after 3 months because I could not hide what a wreck I am. It was like a world ended for me. Now retrospectively I think it was clearly the right thing. It would have been better to get fired earlier. It is like killing an animal out of mercy.
 
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kitia973

kitia973

Student
Dec 24, 2024
101
I'm sorry to hear that you're in so much stress. School can definitely worsen your mental health, especially with the academic pressure and being isolated socially. It gets really dangerous when you start to tie your self-worth down to things like grades or diplomas, and school definitely indoctrines that mindset into students.
 
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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,965
Woke up at 3 a.m. could not sleep anymore. I think the new seminar paper is too stressfull. I feel like I might collapse. I am really scared the sleep deprivation will cause paranoia. If I become really paranoid I gonna quit college I think. Tonight I will take an addictive sleep medication the only thing that works.

In my seminar for tomorrow I am the GOAT politically. I think I impressed my lecturer. But it is insane which torment is going on inside of me. It is insane fear. I am scared as fuck to participate. At the same time I am scared as fuck when I am not participating. The pathologies are so strong. Literally a game I cannot win.

My das tries to "help me" by whining how horrible it is that I cannot get my degree. I think it is cognitive dissonance because He agitates against unemployed people.

I might go to my self-help group tomorrow. There is a new woman that seems to be interesting. But with my paranoia holy shit this gonna make feel really bad.

I hope so much that I manage to get more sleep. In prior semesters I woke up at 3 a.m. regularly. This caused strong paranoia and made my life a living hell.
 

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